Grouch Chronicles Part 6

A Grumpy Old Guy Contemplates Pride Month

Would it kill us to just let everybody do their own thing?

Another June has arrived, and I still don’t understand LGBTQ+ people.

Relax and untwist your goddamn undies. My “don’t get it” list in this arena is long, and straight women are on it too.

I mean, how the hell would I know? One day I was a kid doing stupid kid stuff. Then puberty threw a Gland Opening Celebration, and suddenly I’m a fucking boner transport unit in a glorious garden of girls. In time I would come to realize the female form is the one true art and the sounds of her pleasure the one true music, compared to which the works of human imagination are but pale shadows.

Let’s just say I’m a fan.

Thing is, it was clear from the drop that the wiring in my north end matched the plumbing in the south — I just can’t tell you why.

But what if I’d had the hots for Adam or felt like an Eve? It sounds fan-fucking-tastic to wake up every morning, look in the mirror, and say, “All right! Here’s to another big day of hate, ridicule, and second-class citizenship!”

How much courage does it take to face that? And if the righties are right for once and it’s a choice, going through it on purpose? Jesus, that would take a big brass set.

He, she, or they, you’re a better man than I.

Of course, the easiest of the LGBTQ+ to understand is L. We have plenty in common. Not so much the G and B, but sure, why not? In the flat-pack project of sex, you get pieces with tabs and slots to assemble however you like. You want a little something for the front entrance, go for it. Prefer it by the back door? Hey, it’s no skin off my nose.

As for the T, Q, and +, sometimes I even get confused about the difference between them. But if you tell me you are one, I’m not going to argue. I didn’t get a choice. As far as I know, that’s how it works.

All the dopes claiming there are only boys and girls apparently haven’t heard of Androgen Insensitivity Syndrome. A baby is born with XY chromosomes, except their body doesn’t respond typically to testosterone. The result lands in a broad spectrum, from kinda-looks-like-a-boy to definitely-looks-like-a-girl.

They never start menstruating, so maybe mom and dad take them in for a genetic test. Then the doctor has to explain why the kid has a dilemma in trying out for the school basketball team. Do they take their man juice and chromosomes into the girls’ locker room? Or their tits and pussy into the boys’?

“Billy, you remember that chick Alexandra you did the nasty with? Well, meet Alex, our new point guard. Hope it won’t be too awkward.”

Of course, once the male/female binary has exceptions, it kinda throws all the cards in the air. You wonder what else is going on out there. Bet you’re scared shitless all of these folks struggling to sort themselves out are onto something.

Meanwhile, the red-staters are competing to see who can take the biggest dump on them as they try. Utah just passed a bill aimed at trans students in school sports to stem the tide of one such student — literally one in the entire state — competing as a girl. Yay team.

I may be a misanthrope, but not a heartless douchebag. You people suck at being people.

Hey, don’t look at me, Sparky. It’s not my fault your Lord is cranking out people you claim don’t exist. This business of loving Him so much even He can’t change your mind is just one more thing I don’t get.

I do have some lovely Christian friends who aren’t adherents of the Invisible Asshole In The Sky theory. But I’m still so sick of the word “faith” I don’t even like using it in conversation.

So if you lose your shit over these “evil” LGBTQ+ types, I can’t stop it. You can call everybody you don’t like a “groomer,” even if you can’t scratch up enough IQ points to know what that means. But what if — what if — people really just are who they are?

You can drag out your 2000-year-old Big Book of WTF, and we can argue all day whether this stuff is a choice. But you know what definitely is? Choosing a bigoted fai — . I can’t even say it. You fill it in.

Sometimes I wonder if all these conservatives had to choose to be straight. ’Cause if they grew up in that festering swamp of homophobia and still thought about it, there may be a whole lot more gay Republicans than you know. Come to think of it, it seems like a lot of you guys get caught ending One Holy Night in the #2 hole. Get thee behind me, Satan!

John Werth is a Medium Top Writer in Humor and Satire, who describes his writing style as “You’d read this if I were famous.” His hobbies include referring to himself in the third person.

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