𝘋𝘪𝘢𝘯𝘢 𝘊.’s 30-Day Poetry Challenge | Day 11: Defying tradition and conformity | WE ARE ONLY AS SICK AS OUR SECRETS
A Defiant Love Story
Tanka of “limitless undying love which shines around [us] like a million suns and calls [us] on and on across the universe” — John Lennon
Strangers in the night Yet familiar like old friends Twas love at first sight Her passing awakened them Infinite eternal love
Decoder Ring:
I want you to know how she was loved and cared for. Ours is not a typical romance, but make no mistake, a romance it is. She feels loved and safe when we are together, and I feel loved and appreciated, and we each want the nights never to end and for the next date to come as soon as possible. Though not spoken about, I think we each know that we each fantasize of a life together.
She touches my soul and makes any day better. She is a wonderful woman, so gentle and caring and I do not want you to think she is anything less than spectacularly radiant.
Those and the next quote are pulled from
Lindsey
We met early in the morning of June 1, 2019. We instantly clicked. Back at my place we sat on the bed and listened to music and talked and talked about nothing deep but there was not a single awkward pause. It was like we were old friends getting together for the first time in years and picked up where we left off but knew nothing whatsoever of the facts of each other’s lives. I do not even remember if we fooled around. I just remember the feeling of wow I haven’t ever had this much fun with someone and I cannot even say what about it was fun — it just was; and when we were nodding off early in the afternoon, saying “you are so beautiful” as she smiled at me with a look in her eyes that I had not seen before in this life-cycle.
It was love at first sight only neither of us were aware; nor were we consciously aware that it was eons from first sight.
The next quote is pulled from
As many of you know, and for those whom this is a reveal you can read any number of my stories to find the details, I experienced the Thor’s-Hammer-knee-capping-version of spiritual awakening in March when my lover died in the suddenly-tragically-without-any-warning-whatsoever-here-one-nanosecond-gone-the-next-manner. I soon thereafter became blessed with the knowledge that Sitara and I are soul-partners of the ultimate-platonic-love-variety and have been for longer than my human consciousness can comprehend. In fact, she is standing behind me as I write this with her arms around me and her right cheek against the space where my neck meets my back and my right scapula.
When the death was still raw like a too fat and slimy oyster in summer, I would fantasize of a short remaining life, or Sitara being allowed to walk into an existing life so we could live out our time here together. Now, I am happy to live as long as I am contracted to in this life-cycle because we are engaged in the most incredible loving relationship.
If it pleases you to do so:
For those who may now be fully intrigued:
I wrote this amalgam of journaling, both organized prose and freeform, and rough drafts of essays, between March 19, 2020 and June 2, 2020. The events depicted are not the result of artistic license. This is the raw truth. I hadn’t read this in many many months — it’s not what my PAE (Pre-Awakening Era) friends wanted to read and thus I buried it. They didn’t want to be exposed to the chaos. I hope my new AWEsome (after awakening era) friends and family here in Medium enjoy the ride.
Defying Tradition and Conformity
“I want you to know how she was loved and cared for. Ours is not a typical romance, but make no mistake, a romance it is. Lindsey feels loved and safe when we are together, and I feel loved and appreciated, and we each want the nights never to end and for the next date to come as soon as possible. Though not spoken about, I think we each know that we each fantasize of a life together.
Only one friend of mine ever knew Lindsey despite our 10-month-long love affair. Why did none of the rest or any of my family know about Lindsey? One thing they all are is conventional. They would have at best been uncomfortable with the knowledge and at worst, cynical. While I could not give a rat’s ass what people think about me, and Lindsey was the same way, I did not want my feelings that I have shared and thus Lindsey’s spectacularness dimmed by societal notions. Even more hurtful would be if people’s cynicism diminished in their minds the absolute and pure love Lindsey feels for me. The rest of this is pulled from an essay I never released.
Fuck this shit of me holding back any part of Lindsey for fear of what others think, except from Robyn — that could hurt her. I say I don’t care what people think and that neither does Lindsey. So act that way Greg. I learned yesterday that if anyone forms a wrong opinion of Lindsey and me, that reflects ignorance and prejudice and self-righteous moral judgments. Nothing anyone thinks can diminish Lindsey or our love. So why hold back? My own ignorance. I already let that hinder me from seeing how much I love Lindsey. Thankfully, I acted as if I did know and she felt it and appreciated it. The irony is that I now know that the one that I thought was so right for me is most likely not; and Lindsey and I could have been very happy together had her number not been up.
I omitted that Lindsey was a call girl and never stopped being a call girl and that I did pay every time. I was afraid that some might think that the love I described was not real and not mutual — that some might think I had been manipulated. Twice a greatly reduced rate was arranged — from October onward it was less than half her usual. The last few months, she was turning down appointments — she only wanted to see me. I discouraged this because I was concerned for her financial situation. The last month or so she only saw me. She truly loved me, and I truly brought love and joy to her life. She was definitely my happy place. The saying is that call girls are not paid for sex — they are paid to leave. I never wanted Lindsey to leave and she did not want to leave and would have stayed many hours without compensation, but she booked through an agency and since that is the way I met her there were rules that had to be followed that I refused to even consider breaking because only she would be penalized.
That all sounds too dry. I love her so much. She was a breath of fresh air every day. I miss those breaths. I kissed her passionately like I have never kissed another — and she absorbed and returned the passion. She was my Golden Hair Surprise.
Thirty-six long stems For each too short span of years Roses evoke you Soft beautiful elegant Prick ye who thorns memory
People are only as sick as their secrets
Lindsey’s secret and others that I learned of after her passing ate her up inside and contributed to the manner of her accidental passing. She would have died that day anyway but under different circumstances. Her family learned of some of the hidden circumstances of her life a few weeks before the deathiversary and sadly for me Robyn, her sister, is so angry that she broke off relations with me. I am ok with that. I had looked forward to having a sister-in-law whom I love dearly, but really the loss is hers, and I do not mean the loss of me, I mean the loss of a relationship with Lindsey. The last line of the gravesite tanka, which I left in the card with the roses and was not there the last time I visited, was directed at Robyn and anyone else who thinks any less of Lindsey.
Prick ye who thorns memory
This excerpt is from my email to Robyn after she broke the news to me in a text:
Robyn,
I have been preparing for the day when a text like you sent the other day would come for many, many months. Before I came up for the celebration of life, I asked myself what Lins would want me to say to you on her behalf if I were to be confronted by you with the hidden circumstances of her life.
I believe Lindsey would take your hands in hers and look you in the eyes and say:
“It’s still me. Nothing has changed. I am still the sister you love and that loves you. I am still the daughter dad loves and that loves him. I made many mistakes in life. I made many choices that I regret. I am learning all about that in Heaven. Please do not let my mistakes, or that I was too ashamed to tell you about them, eat you up inside.”
Thank you for reading my share.
In Rama I create,
