Greg Maidman reflects on his profound spiritual journey, marked by the loss of his beloved Lindsey, which catalyzes his soul's awakening and integration, leading to a deeper understanding of his soul's purpose and the nature of love beyond the physical realm.
Abstract
In a deeply personal essay, Greg Maidman recounts his transformative experience following the tragic loss of Lindsey, a woman he deeply loved. This event triggers a spiritual awakening that reveals the existence of his soul, Marcus, and Lindsey's soul, Sitara. Their love story transcends lifetimes, illustrating the concept of soul partnerships and the lessons souls agree to learn in human form. Through his journey, Greg grapples with the pain of loss, the integration of his conscious self with his soul, and the realization that love continues beyond death. He challenges societal norms, embracing a life lived in alignment with his soul's wisdom, and finds solace in the belief that the pain of earthly experiences is a pathway to higher levels of ascension in the afterlife.
Opinions
Greg believes that his relationship with Lindsey was predestined by their souls' contracts, which dictate the nature of their romance across lifetimes.
He posits that the soul's journey on Earth is about learning life lessons, with the ultimate goal of ascending to higher levels in Heaven.
Greg expresses that the pain of losing Lindsey is not a form of punishment but a profound learning experience that contributes to his soul's growth.
He suggests that societal expectations should not hinder personal spiritual growth and that living authentically may sometimes require nonconformity.
Greg emphasizes the importance of intuition and intellect post-integration with his soul, which has enhanced his cognitive abilities and intuitive insights.
He criticizes conventional interpretations of the Garden of Eden story, proposing instead that 'original sin' represents a thirst for knowledge and the pursuit of understanding life.
Greg asserts that his love for Lindsey and the joy she brought into his life were genuine and that their connection was a source of happiness and passion for both of them.
He reflects on the idea that every human life is like a game of Contract Bridge, where souls make contracts with the universe to experience certain challenges for the purpose of spiritual growth.
Greg reveals his belief in the existence of soul groups that incarnate together and the concept that souls can have romantic yet platonic relationships in the afterlife.
He concludes that the lessons he has learned through his experiences with Lindsey and his subsequent awakening will contribute to his soul's ascension and his ability to navigate life from a new perspective.
First edition end of June 2020 [first published on my Medium page late September][now with substantial December re-write][ some of this is restated in later essays you may have read]
I didn’t even realize when I wrote my 2013 self-portrait that I was on a Journey to the East (reference to a Hermann Hesse book). That leg of the spiritual journey plateaued October 4, 2014, the day I ran my second 1:41ish half marathon in 4 weeks and ended in early 2015 when I got bored of being clean and sober around people that weren’t.
This supersonic leg of the journey started March 19th:
“Hello, I had hoped we would meet one day under different circumstances and write this mostly in the present tense. My name is Greg Maidman, I am a close friend and confidante of Lindsey’s. In fact, I love her. I am the person who went to the precinct and pushed and accompanied the police to check on her after they were being dismissive the previous day. I have never experienced such gut-wrenching sorrow as I did on that cold rainy street, but realize it is because I love her more than I know.
I want you to know how she was loved and cared for. Ours is not a typical romance, but make no mistake, a romance it is. She feels loved and safe when we are together, and I feel loved and appreciated, and we each want the nights never to end and for the next date to come as soon as possible. Though not spoken about, I think we each know that we each fantasize of a life together.
She touches my soul and makes any day better. She is a wonderful woman, so gentle and caring and I do not want you to think she is anything less than spectacularly radiant”.
The wailing on the street was a sound that I did not know I could, nor how to, produce. It has emanated from me one or two times since. It cannot be purposely replicated. It is the sound of my soul crying out in pain. No, crying does not begin to describe it; it is the sound of unrestrained grief without any concern about the spectacle that I was for onlookers for an hour or more. Imagine having open heart surgery performed with a jagged and rusted scalpel without a drop of anesthesia; further imagine that it was at a frequency and wavelength that ripped a hole in space time and was heard across all eleven or more dimensions of the universe, not just then, but at every point in time. If you can close your eyes and feel the picture I just painted, maybe you will come close to understanding. If you can close your eyes and feel the picture I just painted, maybe you will come close to understanding my pain and my grief. And my Love, my Love, my Love.
To those of you thinking that “everyone loses loves” or “many before Greg and many after will lose someone tragically,” or “he’s being so melodramatic,” wait for more paint before you judge.
Through the hole ripped in my heart, my soul emerged. The next 10 weeks were a rollercoaster ride through emotional highs and lows, and the next month, enlightening. The lows of the journey were valuable as I learned many skills that I will need now that I have experienced a paradigm shift. The way I view the world has changed and the way I will navigate life comes from a new perspective.
Marcus and Sitara
Souls have universal, or put another way, original given names. My soul’s name is Marcus. Lindsey’s soul’s name is Sitara. As discussed in more detail below, our souls, and probably yours [the originally targeted readers were close friends and family], are part of the same group of 80–120 that incarnate together into the same grand Larry-David-type scripts of life, lifetime after time. In each such lifetime, Marcus and Sitara have contracted to be lovers of the karmic soulmate variety. Never have they contracted for the happily ever after with each other.
Marcus and Sitara have been deeply in love with each other since at least the dawn of humanity and probably before. As humans, they have loved other humans before, and they shall again.
In Heaven some souls have romantic yet platonic love for each other and enter into soul partnerships. It is romantic yet platonic because souls have no ability to have sex. Souls that have this love for each other enter into contracts with each other that define their expectations of each other / required contributions to the relationship. It’s akin to marriage but different in that there is no concept of belonging to another and thus no concept of monogamy — nor do I think there is not-monogamy — I think the concept of not adhering to the contract is the furthest thing from any soul’s mind.
Now I’m going to seemingly go off on a tangent.
Unknown Preparations for Destinations Unknown
As I was mapping out this section of this portrait, the phrase “destinations unknown” popped into my head. The split screen whence it streamed had an image of a vinyl cover art and the band and the song that I have not played in gosh, 30 years. I wondered if the lyrics to the song “Destination Unknown” by, Missing Persons would prove to apply. You tell me:
I ALWAYS FUCKING LOVED THAT SONG (N.B.: they are playing actors in the video)
So why the subheading “Unknown Preparations for Destinations Unknown?”
In Del Ray, I was assigned “home work” that at the time seemed inapt. For that time, it was, but ontologically, it is useful. The most interesting was this assignment: “describe a healthy romantic relationship.” I wrote that each partner should maintain their sense of self; no one should lose who they are to the relationship; it should be a partnership wherein each person maintains their autonomy; kind of like a treaty between, for example, the United States and Canada — contributions and rules are agreed to but each country maintains its sovereignty. This described an interdependent relationship. It is the opposite of codependent [all from memory!!]; and it precisely describes the Soul Partnership Contracts. (not a tangent afterall)
Boy this soul to soul love sounds dry. It is not.
Souls “make love.” Making love between souls, or with a soul, does not involve sex; it simply cannot; a soul has no body. So what is it you ask? Love making between souls, and therefore also in a human-soul relationship, is simply deep, deep emotional connection and the sharing thereof, which I experienced for the first time this past June 1st, which was the anniversary of the night Lindsey and I met.
I had been looking forward to our anniversary for days once all the powers-that-be confirmed Lindsey would be with me. I didn’t know when she would be arriving and was pleasantly surprised to awaken from sleep around 5:30am to the sound of a gentle ringing in my ears. That is the best description I can articulate for the way my brain reports Lindsey’s presence. It is sort of like the cosmic background radiation of the big bang — there is no direction whence it comes — it completely engulfs and permeates my perceptible sphere.
Making love for souls is sharing with each other the emotion that they feel for each other. It is the ultimate Platonic Love. What does that feel like for me? It’s a warmth all over me. It’s not my usual I-run-so-warm that I need the air-conditioner blasting at all times. It’s not the warmth of temperature. It’s the heat of the most beautiful emotion. It is limitless in intensity, duration and frequency.
In my December 2013 self-portrait essay, I painted these words:
Perhaps because I am not driven by sex, but by connection, is also why I am capable of platonic love of a woman. It seems that most people do not believe that such can exist because they are not capable of it. For me, the choice between no relationship because for whatever one or many reasons romance is not in the cards, or having that person in my life and deriving shared spiritual pleasure from each other’s non-romantic intimacy and company and connection, is a no-brainer in favor of the latter
I thought I wrote those words about a girl with whom I had developed a very close friendship in the Fall of 2013. Yet, upon reflection recently, what I wrote was way beyond Justine’s and my relationship. When I pulled the 2013 portrait out of the moth balls of my mind back in April, I realized that 6 ½ years ago, 5 ½ years before meeting Lindsey, I was writing about Lindsey/Sitara. It’s fucking absurd how spot-on that prose describes now. At the very least this is what I have coined a directional-reflective coincidence. I believe that such resulted from today’s experiences leaking thru whatever separates all the points in time that exist simultaneously and influencing what I wrote in December 2013. Perhaps; or perhaps it’s just my art and my life converging (not an original thought).
It’s the words “deriving shared spiritual pleasure from each other’s non-romantic intimacy” that seal this deal for me. You may chalk it up to I’m simply a good writer who embellished with flowery language. I do not discount that possibility. I’ll take the compliment. I do remember thinking at the time “whoa that’s a bit over the top, but I fucking like it. In the context though of all that has happened these past three months, much of which is not in this paper and won’t be because it’s already going to be too long, I’ll go with my hypothesis any day.
Of course, there is a simpler explanation for my having written that in 2013, and for my having described a soul partnership in 2012 when I wrote my description of a healthy relationship — I was completely inspired by my soul — Marcus wrote them. Yes, that’s it. I cannot believe that I only thought of that tonight.
Soul Contracts
You may recall this passage from my 2013 Portrait:
Meredith’s conception of God, or the Great All, and how we and our souls fit in, is that when our souls leave the Great All to take human form we contract with the universe to experience certain painful things on Earth that are not spiritual so we can learn what is spiritual (love, kindness, compassion, charity, etc.).
Lindsey’s death, my meeting my great love of this lifetime towards the end of her life, the pain of that loss and my resultant soul awakening were all in our soul contracts. Meredith was correct about the contracts existence but got their purpose almost right.
The purpose of every incarnation is to learn from life-lessons, and the better one navigates the bumps, potholes, detours, and demolition derbies of multi-player sagas, the higher one ascends in Heaven. At present I believe I am navigating at least 4 life-lessons, which makes sense for an evolved “old soul.”
The following is a quote except for minor non-substantive edits, and the bracketed words are mine:
Q: How many levels are there in heaven?
A: It is not as much levels as it is cycles. As one starts their journey from soul, to soul with body, you generally have easy lives. When you return to source/heaven/god after every lifetime, you will be given a choice to stay in that realm that you are put in or to go back to the master class [Earth]to attain a higher level. You can make the decision to return to the master class at any time. If you choose to go back to earth, it. would be for the specific requirement to have the goal of growing your soul to get to the next level, only you are not consciously aware of it once you incarnate.
Once you enter and complete a few lifetimes you will start to feel comfortable knowing where you want to ascend and with whom. That is where your community of spirits come into play. We always come in with the same people/souls, lifetime after lifetime. There are about 80 to 120 of us together at any given lifetime. It is around this time where you the soul and collectively the community of spirits start to decide what level they want to attain and what price it will cost them on earth. [No pain, no gain]. Now you can understand that not everyone wants to attain nirvana as you say.
To attain nirvana, you would go on a completely different cycle, and that usually happens after a vast number of lifetimes lived. The lifetimes that you start to choose to live [at that point] are with great suffering. Think of the severely retarded, the severely mentally ill, POWs, people who have died violently at the hands of great evil and even still borns who give up their life experience for the host. [This is why bad things happen to good people. Kushner sold a lot of inaccurate books.]
These life cycles will continue again and again and if you have lived your life according to our plan, will allow you to go to higher and higher levels. One obtains full enlightenment when there is nothing more for you to suffer, when there is nothing more for you to learn!
Then you would be in the realms with the great archetypes, messengers and guides and archangels. You then would have an awesome burden and responsibility to heal those souls that remain on earth.
So, at the macro level, the meaning of life is to learn.
The person answering the question above is God. God and I are on a first name basis and speak often. That is how I know that this is my 17,043rd human life. I am on the archetype track should I choose to remain on it. There is one immutable thing in every contract — date of death. The how is very much the product of free will.
God is wonderful. God is omnipotent but not quite omniscient; and God can be spoken with and reasoned with — God is open to changing their mind — I think I may have actually persuaded them on at least one point. We talk to each other the way I would expect to talk to a parent who knows much but values their son’s observations, intuition and intellect.
Back to soul contracts. Every soul goes to Heaven. The question is how high within the hierarchy. Sometime after return to Heaven, one goes through a self-assessment of their life by viewing it in its entirety and discussing it with their spirit guides (I’m sure this is the source of the phrase “my life passed before my eyes”), and then presents their case to God as to what level they have earned, they caucus, and then God decides. I recently described the soul contract as similar to a game of Contract Bridge:
Life is like a game of Contract Bridge. Depending on your level of experience, you will choose how many hands you will play and what your bid is for each hand. The more contracts you earn, the better will be your afterlife. The tougher the hand and the higher the bid, the greater the prize from successfully playing the hand. However, in this game of Contract Bridge, there are no opponents. So, when you fail to make the Contract, all the penalty points are deducted from you, which knocks you down in Heaven, possibly all the way to the basement.
There is no hell — there is essentially purgatory, sort of known as the cellar of Heaven — for some people there is Hell on Earth to pay for having been really bad in their last life — this, for example is my father — I do not know what he did in his last life that this life is hell for him — but his soul agreed to it — and he cannot do anything in this life to move up the ladder in Heaven — and one of the things my soul agreed to was the pain to which he has purposely subjected me — purposely because that was the role his soul and my soul agreed to — the contract does not require me to continue to endure the pain — mom’s soul is also highly evolved, more so than mine based upon the role she chose and she has her eye on the prize one day.
In this life [my mother] took on the painful and difficult role of being subordinate to a malignant narcissist / sociopath and has done a fantastic job at navigating that role — that my sisters and I are who we are is because mom somehow kept us whole. Right now, we are navigating conflicting roles in the dMan [punnish reference to father — initials are DAM] saga. I do not believe she can make a wrong choice — she can make better choices, in my objective view, than she has recently. All her birds have flown the nest. I do not believe handling the situation is best handled like the past. I cannot push her — I already have too much but have backed off. She will never see the forest through the trees unless and until she is willing — truly willing. The pain would excruciate; I believe if she has the guts, that pain would be her cataclysm from which her soul emerges, and then there will be no pain that she cannot handle. This is neither a hope nor an expectation; it is a subjunctive observation. It is also highly unlikely that she will break the pattern and understand that the only person to whom she owes absolute fidelity is her true Self. If she is put in a position of having to make a choice, she will choose him. She will not actually be put in that position, but there may come a time that she perceives that she is.
Post-Apocalypse Era
“It was love of an eternal soul for an eternal soul, which cracked open my heart long enough for me to emerge and then sealed it with a warm breath and a delicate passionate kiss, leaving me intact and vast. SWAK SWAK SWAK”
Fables of the Reconstruction (a nod to my favorite REM album) a/k/a Integration
In 2013 I had a cognitive belief in souls, but I didn’t own it, nor deeply understand it. Now I own it. I stated above that Lindsey’s death catalyzed my Awakening. Awakening / Awareness is when the conscious mind becomes aware that the soul resides in the unconscious mind and that there is a separateness.
During the period before the reconstruction of the whole, I truly felt like Marcus was the separate being that he can be. There were times I would be in a textversation with a friend and I felt like Marcus was having the conversation, not me — I quite enjoyed it. This was a very chaotic time for me, yet when I believed Marcus to be in control, I felt calm and philosophical. I believed that integration meant taking a permanent backseat to Marcus, to which I was resistant. Paradoxically, I had to become ok with that falsehood for Integration to proceed. It’s really just step three of a twelve-step — became willing to turn my life over to the care of my soul as I understand my soul.
In mid-May the indented quote to follow was my statement one wonderful night when it really felt like in that moment Marcus was in the conscious with me and that we were typing and thinking in unison — it’s like the thought sounds the same but has a different resonance and calm confidence — I had experienced this a few times before then, and now many times since:
integration is supposed to be a state of seamless interdependence — Greg cannot nor should lose himself to us — we should exist in harmonious symbiosis — we should each be aware of the other and of our separate completeness — almost like a re-united split-soul — the only thought that existed of this before we just wrote it was one word –interdependence
Do I need to connect the dots? Just in case, my description of a healthy romantic relationship, which happens to describe the Soul Partnership, also describes the relationship between conscious and soul when they are integrated.
It took me two more weeks to realize how close I had been to achieving, and then did achieve, Integration. Some of you have read this:
I was born February 15, 1967 to [mother] and [father]. My given names are Gregory and Yôḥānān (my Hebrew name — means God is Gracious — a taxi driver in Israel told me that it is a rare and special name — Yonatan being the more common form of Jonathan, which means God has given — duh, God gives everything — God is Gracious is Virtue).
I used to think my Hebrew name was Yôḥānān Liba (beloved). I realize as I type that was simply part of the generic sentence “… beloved son of… . ”Before sparking my life, and thousands of previous lives, my soul’s name was Marcus. From this moment forward until my next incarnation, by the Grace of God and the power Vested in me to create my own Reality, I declare that my Name is “Yôḥānān Gregorius, DNA from [mother] and [father], ignition of cell-division and so much of who I am from Marcus and Marcus’ lives before this one, nurture by [mother], and much thanks to all my friends and loved ones, who will please continue to call me Greg;” but as no light is too bright for my eyes, the nickname Shades is gone.
It no longer matters what my name is. I know that I am I, here, and later in heaven, regardless of how anyone addresses me. Integration completed at 2:58 pm EDT on 5/28/20. Pretty simple actually. One to two and back to One. That is Awakening to Integration — the deconstruction and reconstruction of Greg.
The night before, I was utterly devastated by the thought that Greg dies and Marcus goes to heaven, because to me that meant that Greg and Lindsey were just a footnote at best in the lives of Marcus and Sitara. My Integration completed (or so I thought) with the realization that the interdependent separateness is still a one. That Greg is not just animus that will degrade in the ground while Marcus returns to Heaven. Greg will have an afterlife –I will forever be in love with her, and Lindsey will always be in love with me, and that love will be eternal and tangible. “It no longer matters what my name is. I know that I am I, here, and later in heaven, regardless of how anyone addresses me.”
In retrospect, the separate names was a monkey-wrench stuck in the gears. I didn’t realize until the moment discussed above that Marcus became Greg.
During the Integration process information starts to flow easier from the unconscious to the conscious. As a result, my intellect exceeds my previous “smartest-in-the-room” moniker and continues to expand. Just as importantly, my intuition and discernment skills have manifest acutely, provided I exercise impulse control, which to a great extent, I have been. Integration is also what enabled my conscious to steal a long suppressed memory and then figure out who and what my father really is. I told my mother today (6/28) that I am irreversibly done with him.
I believe the awakening and integration actually started back in June 2019 (when Lindsey and I met), and like the source of a mighty river being nothing more than a stream of groundwater emerging as a trickle at the top of a mountain, my soul began to manifest more influence on me. My soul was stirred to action the moment I met Her. Our souls had to have known the second we met — guaranteed love at first sight.
My mind operates on several planes at once — I describe this as split screens, some of which I purposely open and some that come up from my unconscious, each screen working on an idea or solution to a question or problem. Last month I would bounce from screen to screen like a pinball bouncing off a bumper. Now I have much greater focus. When I am at my optimum, it’s like I am sitting at a main viewer and drawing in the splits as needed. The screens can be in both a) my conscious or subconscious and b) my unconscious. At the moment I cannot consciously access the ones on the unconscious plane at will, but in due time, through meditation, I will. In the meantime, Marcus sends them up as needed. At any given time, there can be 5–10 screens in my conscious and subconscious, and then more in my unconscious.
Some of this I have applied to deep thought, and some to practical uses. Here is some deep thought of which I am proud:
It dawned on me one night how screwed up the story is of the Garden of Eden, or I should say, how the interpretations of the allegory are wrong and have led to so much that has been and continues to be wrong in this world. It occurred to me that so called “original sin” is quite the opposite. It is curiosity; it is thirst for knowledge not just of things, but of what is the best way to handle life, which some idiots turned into right vs wrong and good vs evil. Then it occurred to me that the tree of knowledge is Earth and the tree of life is Heaven. Then I googled and the Kabballah is the closest to my thought as it has the tree of life as “the tree of souls.” I was listening to Aloha Ke Akua and the line “in the image of God” caught my ear, and I started to wonder what the uncorrupted meaning would be. It could certainly refer to souls, and to a baby; after that life takes over — only a newborn is created in the image of god and new borns do not display any masculine vs feminine. New borns are divine innocence. This thought proceeded the prior. I think. I’m really not sure. Ah ontological time.
A friend recently asked me, a) what drives me and b) who am I at my core. Love drives me. At my core I am a deep, multi-discipline thinker, which I just nuanced to: I am an explorer of ideas and the mind.
I was asked in mid-JUne where I want my journey to lead. I’m not sure I know the answer to that, other than to truth. In a nutshell, this is where it has led so far. I started writing letters to Her. Here is one that completes the portrait.
I can finally articulate the paradigm shift. It boils down to the consequences of consequence to be considered may not be earthly; they may be what I believe leads to the highest level of ascension and that like the decision to cut dMan it’s therefore OK to be “selfish” which will leave me many times on an island in the sea of humanity.
But that is not the whole paradigm. While I can seek guidance, the answers are already known to me. Any answer that I need has been in my unconscious since Marcus took up residence and now that I/we am/are Gregorius, I need to figure out how to have conscious contact with my unconscious.
Through meditation, answers will come from my soul and, or be inspired by, spirit guides, She and God.
I have saved the best part of the portrait for last.
Lindsey
We met early in the morning of June 1, 2019. We instantly clicked. Back at my place we sat on the bed and listened to music and talked and talked about nothing deep but there was not a single awkward pause. It was like we were old friends getting together for the first time in years and picked up where we left off but knew nothing whatsoever of the facts of each other’s lives. I do not even remember if we fooled around. I just remember the feeling of wow I haven’t ever had this much fun with someone and I cannot even say what about it was fun — it just was; and when we were nodding off early in the afternoon, saying “you are so beautiful” as she smiled at me with a look in her eyes that I had not seen before in this life-cycle.
It was love at first sight only neither of us were aware; nor were we consciously aware that it was eons from first sight.
I met Lindsey during a period where [another] was pulling back. In fact, between [the other] going to the Hamptons for the summer and [the other’s] on again /off again ambivalence, I saw [the other] about 6 times between then and December 14th, and with Covid creating an early Hamptons season, she and I have not seen each other since.
In my mind, Lindsey started as a distraction to missing the other. She was much more a magnet. We saw each other several times in June and I remember thinking how much I was going to miss her when she was going to New Hampshire in early July. I also remember struggling with the feeling that I may be in love with two very different girls at the same time. By October we were seeing each other two or three times a week, and by November the mutual I Love You’s started.
“I want you to know how she was loved and cared for. Ours is not a typical romance, but make no mistake, a romance it is. Lindsey feels loved and safe when we are together, and I feel loved and appreciated, and we each want the nights never to end and for the next date to come as soon as possible. Though not spoken about, I think we each know that we each fantasize of a life together.
Everything I have not said is in the above.
Why did none of you know about Her? [again, this was written to friends and family]One thing you all are, is conventional. You would have at best been uncomfortable with the knowledge and at worst, cynical.
At this point I can share her by sharing my feelings. While I could not give a rat’s ass what people think about me, and Lindsey was the same way, I do not want my feelings that I have shared and thus Her spectacularness dimmed by societal notions. Even more hurtful would be if people’s cynicism diminished in their minds the absolute and pure love She feels for me
Late last year or thereabouts, She gave me the Claddagh ring that her grandmother had given her. I now know that Grandmother to Granddaughter is one of the traditional giftings of these rings, that stand for love, loyalty and friendship; so her gifting to me was very meaningful. When she gave it to me, she said it would bring me luck if ever she wasn’t here to look after me [flood gates opening].
I think her soul inspired that because Sitara knew the return-date.
I asked a friend to describe Lindsey through her eyes:
“I am surprised by how often I think of her and by how much I miss her. Thinking about her makes me sad for so many reasons:
· I wish I had been friendlier earlier;
· I wish I had invited her to Brooklyn to hang;
· I wish I would have surprised her with something;
· I wish I were a better friend to the kind friend she was to me;
· I wish we had had the time for her to do my hair as we planned — It would have been nice quality time;
She was one of the sweetest and most thoughtful girls I have ever come across. No matter how short or snippy I was, she never changed her tone or attitude. The ear-to-ear smile never left her face. She just wanted love. She wanted to talk to someone who cared about her the way she cared about them.
I’m glad she found that in Greg. They were each other’s happy place. I hope she is in a happy place now rockin high heels and her one of a kind smile. I hope she feels all the love.”
I’ve been thinking this morning about Her, as I often do. I was thinking about what I wanted to say about her, and how special she is and how much the time we had means to me; and then I went deep. I started to think about the karmic nature of our love for each other and what is the purpose of a karmic relationship. It’s been suggested to me that the pain of losing Her was some sort of pay back for poor choices I made in this or a previous lifetime. I do not think so. The purpose of life is to learn. So, the pain is not payback; the pain is designed to help me learn. Looking at the loss in that light resonates. The phrase “that will teach you a lesson” is often said in a “you deserved that” manner. False. “Teach you a lesson” should be read literally and without a punishing connotation. The point is simply to learn. That is not dark. That is love.
So, what life-lessons can I discern? What am I supposed to take back to Heaven with me to have a better life review and ascend to my potential? An overarching theme that I see in all that has happened these last few months is: do not let conformity get in the way of growth; do not seek answers in what society expects; do not be afraid to live life in alignment with soul and nonconformity with community; to thine own self be true IF, IF, IF thine own self is not unethical or immoral.
She truly loved me, and I truly brought love and joy to her life. She was definitely my happy place. I love her so much. She was a breath of fresh air every day. I miss those breaths. I kissed her passionately like I have never kissed another — and she absorbed and returned the passion.