8 Movies about Queens You Don’t Want To Watch

Seriously, don’t watch them.

Like many of us right now, you might feel the urge to watch a movie about the late Queen Elizabeth II.

In this article, I won’t help you choose the right royal movie. But I will help you avoid making the same mistakes I did.

Not all movies with the word queen in the title are about THE Queen.

Far from it.

#1 Barbarian Queen (1985)

Why is this on the list?

Sword fighting in a bikini looked like an interesting Pacific-coast tradition worthy of further investigation.

Tell me more

To be honest, I already told you everything you need to know about this movie. There’s a reason why knights wear plate armor.

To my genuine surprise, this movie featured totally unrealistic sword fights. The barbarian queen and her equally breasted companions shouldn’t have survived the first of them. I will go as far as saying that the sole purpose of the bikini-sword-fighting technique is to show beautiful women scantily dressed. Watch the trailer if you don’t believe me.

I was disappointed to see the producers trade historical accuracy for hopes of box office success.

#2 Warrior Queen (2003)

Why is this on the list?

It’s Emily Blunt’s first movie.

Tell me more

I fell in love with Emily Blunt several times. The first time was when she was hiding in the toilet of the Adjustment Bureau in 2011. EIGHT YEARS after Warrior Queen was released. Let’s take a moment and imagine how different my life would be if I had discovered her in 2003.

For reference, the second time I fell in love with Emily Blunt was in 2015 during a country line dance in Sicario.

I highly recommend The Adjustment Bureau and Sicario. I don’t recommend Warrior Queen because I couldn’t go past the trailer. Even for Emily’s sake.

Fun fact: Emily Blunt played the young Victoria in the 2009 movie titled The Young Victoria.

#3 Queen of the Damned (2002)

Why is this on the list?

It features the most handsome Vincent Perez.

Tell me more

All you need to know not to watch this movie is that Lestat (from Interview with the Vampire) is now a rock star.

Ridiculous.

Vincent Perez, whom you might remember from The Crow, plays Marius, the vampire who took away Lestat from his human brothers and sisters. Marius/Vincent made me watch this movie longer than I would like to admit for two reasons: the beauty of Vincent Perez and the fact Marius agrees with me about the opportunity of making a vampire like Lestat a rock star.

He tells him, and I quote, “cancel the concert.”

#4 Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen (2004)

Why is this on the list?

I could relate to the title. (Let him who is without drama write the first comment)

Tell me more

I wrote extensively about my early life here on Medium. I thought this movie would be a metaphorical mirror and help me get a deeper understanding of my choices and aspirations. Something like a cinematotherapy.

It was NOT.

Please, don’t copy my mistake as a random teenager would. Follow my parental guidance (the movie is rated PG in the US) and learn from my experience. => Avoid this movie.

#5 Queenpins (2021)

Why is this on the list?

I hoped to learn from this coupon scam.

Tell me more

Spending too much time online can alter your vision of reality. You start seeing side hustles and opportunities everywhere. To quote Tim Timbo Denning, you search for the “clues that reveal why you are underperforming in life (unnecessarily).”

Watching the trailer, I thought this movie would reveal many of these clues.

In fact, it was a clue in itself.

I want the best for you, and that includes not underperforming in life. Don’t watch this movie.

(Also, the coupon scam isn’t reproducible. Better invest your time in coaching.)

#6 Queen of Spades (2021)

Why is this on the list?

I recently started playing poker online.

Tell me more

Contrary to the clickbait title, this movie has nothing to do with poker.

It’s all about medical procedures for demonic possession, which sounds too niche for my taste. Medicine is a great career choice, but I can recommend many medical specialties before the demonic possession one.

I wish the director (Patrick White) had watched Barbarian Queen (see above) before filming the Queen of Spades. He might have focused on more lucrative specializations like plastic surgery.

#7 Reality Queen! (2020)

Why is this on the list?

Mike Tyson is playing Mike Tyson in it.

Tell me more

As much as I aim to be professional in my movie critiques, I simply couldn’t watch a minute of this one. I couldn’t even watch the trailer in full. And it’s like one minute twenty-five seconds long. The only good thing I can say about this movie is that it’s appropriately trash since it centers on the life of a reality TV star.

The fact that 70 users gave it a 10 out of 10 on IMDb makes me doubt my and their sanity. (Mostly theirs). But there’s still wisdom in the crowds as the final rating is a well-deserved 3.1/10.

#8 Crab Queen (2015)

Why is this on the list?

I find crab cakes very tasty.

Tell me more

I shouldn’t have said that. Pretty sure I’m on the (giant) crab queen kill list now. She will come back for me in the sequel!!

Thankfully, there will be no sequel to this horror/sci-fi/cuisine (?) movie.

The fact that 37 users gave it a 10 out of 10 makes me think there might be people paid to leave good ratings on the internet. That’s the only rational explanation.

But there’s a positive thing about this movie. It’s a review I found on IMDb: “The film poster should be sticked next to ‘trash’ in the dictionary.” Funny stuff.

BONUS — The Queen’s Gambit (2020)

Why is this on the list?

It’s a good movie.

Tell me more

Technically, it’s not a movie. It’s a TV series so you can watch it. I didn’t lie in the title of the article.

But there’s a catch.

After watching it, you’ll need practical coping strategies on how to deal with the fact that you’re not a hot orphaned chess prodigy. It’s a tough realization to face, and there aren’t many coping strategies out there. The only one I found mentioned the French Fries variation of the French defense. It doesn’t seem serious.

Watch at your own risk.

Farewell, Queens and Kings

I will leave you with an inspiring quote from Queenpins (see above): “You know who gets rewarded? People who don’t follow the rules.”

More “movie critique” by me