Practical Coping Strategies On How To Deal With The Fact That You’re Not A Hot Orphaned Chess Prodigy
My favorite, the French fries variation of the French defense
I wouldn’t want you to think I’m just another wanker writing about something I don’t know after doing an 8-minute search on google. Here are my credentials:
I’m not an orphan, I’m not hot, and I’m not a chess prodigy.
If you’re reading this, I guess you’re in a similar situation. The time has come to share my top 6 practical coping strategies on how to deal with the fact that you’re not a hot orphaned chess prodigy.
The first three are purely defensive ones but can be used at all levels. The last three are very technical and should be used only by professionals like you and me.
#1 Sicilian Defense
It’s one of the oldest coping strategies.
It appeared in the late 16th century as the first non-hot, non-orphaned, non-chess prodigy Sicilians started complaining they were getting ripped-off by mainlanders (Sicilia is an Italian island located some 350 miles from the coast).
As most of the coping strategies, the Sicilian Defense has several variations. My favorite one is the Dragon variation.
Anger and frustration at not being a hot orphaned chess prodigy combine to produce a magma that would make the Etna Volcano itself proud. The magma is then breathed out dragon-like (to avoid reducing the emitting body to ashes).
#2 French Defense
My personal favorite. It has two variations.
The French fries will lead you to the world of Cooking Prodigies. The downside, it’s no less competitive than chess. But the upside is worth it. Contrary to chess, you can put ketchup on all of your pieces. You can even (and it’s recommended) replace the pieces with sculptures made of French fries and eat the whole thing.
The French kiss is the most romantic coping strategy ever. Instead of making war on your opponent on the chessboard, you make love to them. Start slowly by languidly kissing the pawns and make your way up to the Queen or King. Depending on your preferences.
#3 Indian Defense
It’s non-violent, but it’s very efficient.
It comes from the belief that chess pieces don’t want to fight for chessboard domination. They would prefer to live the good life with the men and women from the checkers’ board.
By refusing altogether to use the pieces, the adepts of the Indian defense show that each life, even of pawns, has its importance.
It has a greater reach. Adepts of the Indian defense use it as guidance for every decision in their lives. It’s not to be mistaken with passivity, however. The Indian Defense is a choice and a hard one to make.
#4 The Italian Game
Comparable to the French fries variation of the French defense, but much more difficult.
In the Italian Game, you’ll need to make use of all the existing stereotypes regarding Italian Americans.
Your chess pieces (materials) will need new names.
- The King becomes the Boss
- The Queen is the Consigliere
- Bishops are Capos
- Knights are Soldiers
- Rooks are Underbosses
- (However, these three are always fighting for power, and names can be re-attributed)
- Pawns are Associates.
You’ll have to learn how to make pizza, spaghetti, and your own tomato sauce. A jury composed of old Italian grandmas will deliberate on your case.
Finally, you can’t properly use the Italian Game as a coping strategy without making a yearly pilgrimage to Jersey Shore. Definitely an important point to take into consideration if you’re thinking of using this strategy.
Before you make a final decision, ask yourself this question, “where’s the beach?”
#5 English Opening
It’s not a bad one. My British cousins would suggest using it. We discussed other strategies in our mega-popular Clubhouse chatroom last week (it’s called ‘Wankers Assemble,’ maybe you would like to join?).
The British were quite open to the idea. “Very interesting,” they said. “We almost agree with you and only have a few minor comments. You must come for dinner; we want to hear what you have to say.”
#6 Queen’s Gambit
Accepted or declined, it doesn’t matter.
The fact is you’ll have to learn a Slavic language.
It’s hard as kurwa. And you wouldn’t believe the number of potatoes you’ll have to ingest.
Endgame: I stole the title from Rulis Jei. Thanks to Julis Rei for the inspiration and her funny piece.
