7 Unmistakable Ways You Self-Sabotage Your Relationships
When people become annoyed or yell or slam drawers, I recoil in fear. I shut down. My body shakes and I don’t speak. I wait for the storm to pass.
What if my words or actions exacerbate their anger? What if their reason for being angry turns into something I’ve done?
I rarely know how to handle conflict healthily. I’m terrified of it. I want it to pass, but I also feel tired after all of that waiting and hoping.
Likely for similar reasons, I struggle to feel good enough. People have hurt me so much in life and in relationships that I don’t feel worthy of goodness sometimes. I’m quick to blame myself when I perceive someone’s upset, whether that perception is accurate. I’m quick to think others don’t like me when in reality, they’re just not talking in their peppiest voice because they’ve had a long day.
I’m learning that some of these issues I struggle with have become ways I self-sabotage my relationships, and I’m working on fixing that. Let’s talk some of those ways and how we can address them.
You don’t tackle your relationship’s challenges head-on.
What That Looks Like
Instead of handling the challenges you and your partner come across, you push them away. You react in passive, passive-aggressive or aggressive ways. While the problem then seems fixed at the moment, you may grow increasingly resentful. You aren’t honest about how you feel and what you need for the relationship to be the healthiest and happiest for you. You don’t compromise on disagreements.
Why You May Self-Sabotage This Way
If you’re like me, addressing problems or dislikes scares you a bit. You don’t want to hurt your partner’s feelings and conflict makes you nervous. You hate fighting and you worry you’ll argue. You hope the problem will fix itself over time so you don’t have to spend emotional energy tackling it.
How to Fix It
Be honest about how you feel using “I statements.” Don’t attack your partner, but gently share what you’re upset about or would like to fix. Talk about ways you can compromise on disagreements.
You don’t tackle your own triggers and struggles head-on.
What That Looks Like
Your partner says something or acts in a way that triggers a previous problem you’ve had or mental illness you struggle with, but you don’t tell them that. You struggle with aspects of relationships, such as your attachment style or your love language, but don’t ask for help. You push your needs and pain away, which exacerbates your pain.
Why You May Self-Sabotage This Way
Diving into your triggers may scare you because you don’t want to feel worse or remember the past event that’s causing you to feel triggered now. You worry that you’ll burden your partner or make your partner look bad if you talk about problems you’re having. You don’t want to be honest and vulnerable about what you’re dealing with because that feels scary and emotional. You feel guilty about your struggles and want those negative energies to just go away.
How to Fix It
Be mindful of situations, words and actions that upset you or trigger memories of traumatic experiences you’ve had. Take some deep breaths and open up to someone you trust. Afterwards, engage in relaxation or distractions as self-care. Remind yourself that you’re not a burden and that we all struggle; remind yourself that you can get through hard situations and that nothing is wrong with you.
You aren’t honest about how you feel.
What That Looks Like
When your partner upsets you, you don’t tell them that. When you see red flags in how your partner treats you, you ignore them and how they make you feel. And on the flip side, when you appreciate something your partner does, you don’t let them know or thank them. When your partner asks you a question, you don’t tell them what you really think.
Why You May Self-Sabotage This Way
You may fear how your partner will react if you’re honest, or you may feel ashamed about how you feel. You may fear you’re falling into an unhealthy relationship, but don’t want to admit that because once you say it, it feels more real. You’re scared to be genuine with your partner because it feels awkward or requires some vulnerability from you.
How to Fix It
Take a deep breath and know you have a right to feel the way you feel. Your feelings are valid, and in a healthy relationship you’ll feel safe sharing what you need to share. Push yourself, taking baby steps if you need to, to say or act in ways you know you need to, even if it’s hard.
You assume the worst.
What That Looks Like
You assume your partner is trying to hurt you with their words or actions. You assume that you did something wrong whenever your partner seems upset. You assume that you’re the root of your relationship’s problems and that you burden your partner. You assume your partner is out to hurt you.
Why You May Self-Sabotage This Way
People in previous relationships may have hurt you, so you’re trying to save yourself from that pain by calling it out now. You may struggle with self-worth and excessive guilt. You may have trust issues or trauma that affect you and your perceptions.
How to Fix It
Speak up about your feelings so your partner can clarify their intentions and love. Remind yourself that we all make mistakes and that you aren’t the root of all evil. Watch out for red flags, but trust and enjoy green flags too. Communicate openly with your partner and ask for support from people you love and trust.
You don’t give yourself the credit you deserve.
What That Looks Like
You believe you’re an awful partner all of the time. You feel guilty and burdensome, even after the smallest mistake or upset. You feel inadequate and wonder why your partner is with you and loves you. You remember only your mistakes or accidents, rather than the good you’ve done for your partner and your relationship.
Why You May Self-Sabotage This Way
You may struggle with depression or anxiety. You get caught up in black-and-white thinking in which you see yourself as the best or the worst. You may want your partner to affirm you, but don’t know how to say that. You may struggle with self-worth and self-love. Abusive people in your life may have said you have those negative qualities even though you don’t.
How to Fix It
Make a list of the helpful words and actions you’ve said and done to your partner. Think about who said those negative words to you and what their intentions were. Remember that feelings aren’t facts. Reach out to people who love you and be honest when you need attention or affirmation. Repeat mantras in your head that remind you you’re good, worthy and loved.
You don’t spend time away from each other doing your own thing or spending time with others.
What That Looks Like
You’re with your partner constantly. You don’t engage in activities you enjoy; you don’t engage with friends or family. You never spend time alone, and you don’t know who you are outside of your relationship. You feel you need your partner to be next to you for you to feel okay emotionally.
Why You May Self-Sabotage This Way
You may be enamored of your partner and enjoy spending time with them. You may fear you don’t know what you like outside of time with your partner because you haven’t engaged in a hobby for a while. You worry your friends are mad at you for not giving them as much attention, so you continue to pull away from them. You may fear your partner will leave if you don’t hang out with them constantly.
How to Fix It
Taking baby steps if you need to with time and space, separate yourself from your partner for a bit. Go to a dance class you enjoy by yourself or with a friend. Call a family member you’ve missed. Think about what you loved doing before you met your partner. Go enjoy a warm bath or shower.
You don’t stand up for your needs.
What That Looks Like
You don’t tell your partner when you need a little extra attention, love or affirmation. You don’t tell your partner when they hurt you. You don’t tell your partner when or how you need them to support you. You don’t compromise on disagreements, especially when your need is extra important to you.
Why You May Self-Sabotage This Way
You may fear hurting or losing your partner. You may fear you’ll seem needy or have to be vulnerable. You don’t want to cause conflict or upset. Maybe others hurt you in the past and didn’t respect your needs, so you’re dealing with trauma or struggle to respect and love yourself well.
How to Fix It
Using “I statements,” open up to your partner as best you can. Write or text them at first if that’s easier. Remind yourself that nothing is wrong with you and that you’re allowed to have and ask for what you need. Reach out for support from others.
By knowing you’re self-sabotaging and how, you’ll become better equipped to help your relationship grow. You both will feel happier and healthier, and your relationship will become more stable. By acknowledging and tackling these challenges, you can help them go away sooner, longer and more effectively.
Giving your partner that clarity will also help them feel better. They don’t want to hurt you, and they’ll be grateful for your honesty and how you’re trying to make your relationship better.
Remember that feelings aren’t facts, and that communication is key to a good relationship. Be kind but firm in your discussions and listen to your partner’s responses. Know that you deserve goodness, that you will find it, and that you’re helping yourself get it.
You’ll realize that communicating isn’t as scary as you thought it would be, and you’ll be grateful you did once you’re feeling more at ease. You are strong, worthy and loved.