How to Stop Your Love Language From Ruining Your Relationship
With both yourself and others.
I believe in a dialectical, in which two seemingly opposing things can be true at the same time.
I believe that we can be proud of ourselves and want to work harder, simultaneously. I believe that we can be strong people and have weak moments. I believe that we don’t need a partner to be happy, and having one can certainly help.
I also believe in the dialectical of my love language, words of affirmation: Words of affirmation from a loved one can be so meaningful, and we should know that we are enough without them.
I’m starting to have some insight into my love language, from where it came from to how I can keep it from messing up my relationships.
I’m someone who thrives off of constant affirmation. I feel like I need it more than I’m comfortable with or like. I constantly ask “Do you love me?” or “Tell me what you love about me.” Sometimes I imagine I’m Trixie Tang, when she yells “Tell me I’m pretty!”
I thrive when people tell me they appreciate me, possibly because I’ve often felt underappreciated. I thrive when people tell me I’ve helped them, because I want my loved ones to feel happy and I want to see myself as helpful. I thrive when people affirm my intelligence and humor, likely because I don’t always give myself enough credit and need a reminder. I’m also a type three, meaning I thrive when others admire me and my success.
I think this partially has to do with my insecure attachment style, and partially what I need to feel loved. Sometimes I don’t understand why words of affirmation do the trick — words are emptier than actions — but it is what it is. Affirmations give me a sense of security in myself and in my relationship with that person.
My love language isn’t just my love language; it isn’t just something cute to joke about with friends. My love language represents a much larger part of my life, who I am and how I measure my self-worth.
I realize this isn’t the healthiest, that I shouldn’t depend on others’ approval for my own self-image. It’s okay to let affirmation build your self-image, and not needing it for your self-image is best.
Below are some reminders I give myself as I try to wean myself off of the need for affirmation:
People’s opinions will change for a multitude of reasons, and they don’t necessarily pertain to me or anything I’ve done.
Sometimes people are dealing with their own stressors in which they take their stress out on me. That doesn’t mean I’ve done anything wrong, and they may even realize that. Just because someone seems upset with me doesn’t mean that I’ve done something I shouldn’t, especially if they snap at me for seemingly no reason.
I am inherently worthy; God created me and said I’m enough.
My worth doesn’t come from others’ approval, and what a good thing that is since others’ opinions can change so often. God made me intentionally and purposefully, and believes I’m great the way I am. My worth doesn’t change depending on my self-image, others’ opinions or anything I do.
Sometimes people aren’t the best at affirming others, and that doesn’t mean they don’t feel those ways about me. We have different love languages and abilities.
I know that gift-giving is a love language, yet I don’t consistently give gifts to people I love. This isn’t because I don’t love them, it’s just because that’s not the way I give love and, frankly, I’m trying to save money. My loved ones may not affirm me super often for similar reasons; they may show love in a different way. Sometimes random compliments can feel awkward for people too, or they don’t know how to word something, which is another potential reason why someone isn’t showing me love in that way as much.
Maybe one friend is upset with me, but I have plenty of friends who are happy with me. I’m a good person and friend, even if I make mistakes sometimes.
One fight with one friend doesn’t change my worth. I know people love me and that I’m a good person. No one is perfect, and I can ask for forgiveness. I know know relationships can be repaired and that sometimes, people just need a second to cool off.
I have many good qualities and have helped a lot of people.
While my worth is inherent, it does make me feel better to think of characteristics of myself I appreciate and people I’ve helped. I’m funny, smarter than I give myself credit for and empathetic. I’ve talked people through tough situations, written cards and more.
With these reminders, I’m able to maintain a more stable relationship with my loved ones and with myself. If I constantly need affirmation to be okay, I may get upset with loved ones who don’t deserve it. I may act in insecure ways that don’t benefit my relationships. I may get down on myself and self-isolate. I may expect too much from others.
However, I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world to still ask for affirmation sometimes. While depending on it isn’t super healthy or helpful, it can help, and that’s okay. Communication is key in a relationship, so being honest about my needs is beneficial and can also save me and my loved one from an unnecessary upset.
The difference, however, is this: I can’t depend on others’ affirmation, and I must remember the value of affirming myself, while also knowing my worth is inherent and not dependent on opinions or actions.
I encourage you to apply similar logic to your own relationships and love languages. Know you are loved, regardless.