avatarAshley Broadwater

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Taking Control of Your Life | Illumination | Personal Essay

I Learned to Stand Up for Myself and Have Self-Respect — Join Me

Handle your problems before they handle you.

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Iknwothoyfeel! Istrggelto.

These are a few examples of times when I expected spell check to fix my typing errors so I kept typing, but my typos became worse, causing me to have to retype the entire sentence.

What a metaphor for life.

I’ve been in countless unhealthy relationships that I wanted to work out. I’ve taken classes and not put in adequate effort. I’ve made too many excuses for people and situations, putting up with less than I deserve and losing more self-respect each time.

I expect change without changing anything.

I think I struggle with this for a lot of reasons: my strong avoidance of conflict, my busyness, my need to fill my resume or my bank account, my internalized and unhelpful judgment of quitting.

But the thing is, those reasons mean nothing if I’m being mistreated or not taking full advantage of good opportunities. Those reasons mean nothing if I’m not implementing the change needed for my situation to improve.

And the thing is, I’m not quitting— I’m just not settling. I’m respecting my boundaries.

I say this with intentional conviction, but believe me, it is a process. It is a staircase in which I am still learning how to crawl.

After dealing with unhealthy relationships, experiences in which my boundaries were broken, struggles with invalidation, and desperate hopes that had no foundation, I found it hard to believe I was worthy of good things.

I felt like I was doomed to living in a world where I wouldn’t be respected, where I wouldn’t feel good enough, where I wouldn’t be able to fix the problems at hand.

I felt like I was doomed to being someone who’s “too nice” and gets taken advantage of, and who puts other people and harmony before her own wellbeing. I knew the saying about not being able to pour from an empty cup, but I either thought I somehow could or that I had no other option but to try.

I said “It’s totally fine!” when it wasn’t fine at all. I said “yes” when I knew I needed to say “no.” I invalidated my feelings and perceptions. I got lesser grades.

The consequences of me not standing up for myself fell right at my feet time and time again, but instead of feeling empowered to fix them, I felt powerless.

Looking back on those memories in a much better place now, I feel sad for my younger self. I feel for her, knowing how lonely she felt when she told everyone but herself that we are inherently worthy and that we deserve the best.

But then I remember the Sunday I sat on a bench outside of the Undergraduate Library when I was in college at UNC-Chapel Hill when I realized I am worth more than last-minute plans and being someone’s second choice. I remember realizing that all that I put up with was a sign of low self-respect and self-worth. I remember realizing the relationships and problems that had brought me to that point.

I felt overwhelmed and sad and alone, but I also felt empowered. Taking control and power back when people have taken them from you for so long simply feels different. I knew that I had a lot of hard work in front of me, but I also knew that I was much closer to where I wanted to be.

I want to encourage myself and others struggling to do this: be the person your younger self needed. Forget the past negative memories and self-image struggles, unless you’re thinking about how far you’ve come and how you want to move forward. Know you are inherently worthy of good things. Understand that it’s okay to not give people 100 percent of the benefit of the doubt all the time and that taking care of ourselves isn’t an option.

Ultimately, live by the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

If you mess up, don’t give up. Push away thoughts of powerlessness and believe in your strength. If you don’t fix the problem where it’s at when it comes up, it will only get worse.

I know how you feel! I struggle too.

Mental Health
Lifestyle
Self
Relationships
Personal Development
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