7 Surprising Valentine’s Tips That Spread the Love and Make it Last

Whether you’re single or hitched, it’s the cheesy Hallmark holiday that won’t quit. How to make the day more meaningful.

If New Year’s Eve is forced frolic, Valentine’s Day is forced romance. The reminders start in early January. Images of throbbing hearts. Ads for bargain baubles. Emails remind us to buy! buy! buy! And this year, according to Forbes, will be “one of the highest spending years on record.”

February 14 is a great holiday if you own a restaurant and charge 30% more for the same dinner served the night before. You also have reason to celebrate if you sell champagne, chocolates, roses, or other overpriced gifts of the heart that promise buyers love or at least a little action.

But for the rest of us, the day itself is fraught with anxiety. Seriously, folks, is this madness any better than getting drunk and watching the ball drop?

Rethinking the Day of Love

The answer is NO. In fact, it’s worse. Couples feel the pressure, and singles feel left out.

As someone who’s spent the better part of my career studying and writing about relationships, I feel obliged to cover Valentine’s Day, even though I disdain the commercialism and, though happily partnered myself, dislike the emphasis on coupledom. Love shouldn’t have limits.

So how about a different kind of Valentine’s Day this year — one that spreads the love and maximizes the surprises.

Here are some things you can try at home!

1. Make believe you’re in 4th grade when it was okay to have more than one valentine (note small “v”).

Whether you’re happily partnered or single by choice, why not use Valentine’s Day to reach out and reconnect? By definition, a valentine is “an expression of affection.” While a particular person might be your significant other, you undoubtedly have other “significants” for whom you have affection. What about them? Surely, there’s a teacher or former coworker, an old friend you haven’t spoken to lately, or someone who quietly makes your life easier, like that sweet receptionist in your doctor’s office. Wish them a happy day. Do something nice or surprising.

2. Appreciate the little things.

According to psychologists John and Julie Gotman, who have surveyed 40,000 couples, the most important phrase in a relationship is “thank you.” Especially with long-term relationships we tend to take the Other for granted. We’re quick to point out the dishes he didn’t do or the dry cleaning she forgot to pick up and less likely to remark about the unexpected kindnesses or the fact that they make you feel safe. So if you haven’t said out loud how much a partner, friend or casual acquaintance means to you, why not start on a day officially devoted to love?

3. Substitute gestures for gifts.

You don’t have to spend money to let someone know they matter. Listening, really seeing the other person, being kind — these gestures require time, thought, and good intention, which are harder to “spend” than money. They’re also more appreciated. A homemade card, a copy of a photograph that means something to the two of you, or just a few minutes of conversation lets the other person know you care.

4. Don’t guess; ask.

He buys red roses, and she’s allergic. She buys tickets, and he falls asleep during the show. Passionate sex is on one partner’s agenda, and the other wants only to cuddle and feel close. Such misses can be avoided by asking your valentine(s), “What do you want to do? What will make you happy?” Even those of us who are super tuned-in cannot know what goes on in another person’s mind. And, please, accept the answer even if doesn’t fit your idea of a celebration!

5. Reveal something new.

It’s a bit scary to “peel the onion” — one of my favorite relationship metaphors for the slow process of sharing bits of one another. The closer we get to our own core, the more we worry (often, unconsciously) about being judged, hurt, or abandoned. However, true intimacy is built on vulnerability and trust. The trick is to reveal your authentic self, warts and all! If he or she runs, the relationship is not meant to be. “An Index of Possibilities,” designed to help you learn more about the Other can also help you think about what to reveal about yourself.

6. Celebrate yourself.

If you’re unpartnered, why should you hide on February 14? Get out there. Do something wonderful for yourself. As Yael Wolfe writes, “My disinterest in traditional marriage has done absolutely nothing to dampen my excitement about marrying myself.” If you’re single-by-choice or by circumstances beyond your control, take heart in Yael’s approach:

7. Keep the day going for the next 364!

Although we tend to mark our personal histories by recalling events, it’s people who propel the narrative of our lives, through their influence and support. Relationships are everything. If you have good relationships, you have a good life. It doesn’t make sense to devote only one day a year to nurturing them. So take stock all year round. Consider the best of your relationships “valentines,” include yourself in the mix — and let the others go.

More Valentine’s Day stories…

2022: Whether a relationship is romantic or platonic, independence, paradoxically, makes you a better partner.

2021: Never stop being curious about the people you love.

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