A Forever-After Valentine’s Gift

Keep asking Questions and Gathering Intel

Bah, humbug to Valentine’s Day. Forget candy and chocolates, even champagne. Well, maybe that’s too harsh. Buy a nice card, bring home a bouquet of red roses, but know this:

Valentine’s Day is a Hallmark holiday. We are expected to show how much we care by buying. To be fair, Hallmark alone doesn’t count for the $21.8 billion in total spending. We also buy expensive jewelry. We dine on menus that feature oysters and cost 30% more than on an ordinary night at the same restaurant — because February 14 is the New Year’s Eve of romantic love.

In truth, the best gift you can give your beloved is your curiosity and attention —and not just on Valentine’s Day. As my dear Aunt Ruth said to my daughter on the eve of her wedding: “Tonight doesn’t matter; it’s what comes after that counts.”

When you first meet and barely know your “valentine,” everything about him or her is fascinating. It’s the same when you meet anyone new — through work, the gym, a charity project — you’re all ears.

We’re naturally eager to explore new-people territory. This is the exciting land of consequential strangers — the assorted others on the periphery of your social life, neither family nor close friends. They’re often from a different background. You make no assumptions; you have no expectations.

Your “valentine” was once a consequential stranger. And in the beginning of your relationship, you probably asked lots of questions and listened intently to the answers. Learning about each other deepens a relationship.

The trick — if you stay together— is to keep finding out more. It’s tricky because familiarity dampens curiosity. You have to work a little harder to be as open and non-judgmental as you would with a consequential stranger.

Here’s why it’s important: nothing stays the same. We change, our loved ones change, the world around us changes. Thus, our relationships are constantly in flux. Each one is unique, an entity born “of” the two of us. We can’t rely on old news. We have to keep gathering “intel” about our partners.

Curiosity keeps you current. Asking questions also gets an important message across: “I’m interested in you and in who you’re becoming.”

Mandy Len Catron’s 2015 Modern Love essay, “To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This” — as well as a companion piece by editor Daniel Jones — popularized Arthur Aron’s study, in which the researcher “generated closeness” between random lab partners by instructing them to ask and answer the now-popular “36 questions” that Aron conceived. Later research shows that “self-disclosure” can also rekindle romance in long-term couples.

The theory is, when you’re first in a romantic relationship, there’s an intense excitement, but then you grow used to each other,” Aron told the Berkley News. “If you do something new and challenging, that reminds you of how exciting it can be with your partner, it makes your relationship better.”

Knowing the little stuff about your valentine is vital. Marriage counselors often remind partners to not only share their big dreams, triumphs and disappointments, but also the minutiae of their day.

And let’s not forget the old Newlywed Game, a game show in which contestants scored points for knowing their spouse. The “winners” could tick off details that only a true intimate would know — or remember.

We can never know everything about anyone. This might be hard to believe during a pandemic when so many of us are suddenly in captivity 24/7 with those closest to us. Some couples made the decision to live together because of COVID.

It might be hard to imagine there’s anything you don’t know about your significant other. But in reality, there’s an endless range of topics you still haven’t covered. And if you’re at a loss, consult this Index of Possibilities from my book about family relationships. You never have to run out of questions.

Have you ever asked your valentine…

• what’s the most important thing he learned from his sister?
• what part of the newspaper she reads first — and why?
• whether he prefers crisp or flannel bed sheets?
• whether she played outside a lot as a kid?
• who would he miss most if you decided to move?
• what she would like to do if money were no object?

Asking questions is not merely an endless fact-finding mission. It’s also a way of saying, “I accept you as you are now. I applaud our differences and want to learn from you.”

It is certainly easier to buy a dozen roses or splurge on an expensive gift. But in the hubbub of everyday life, we need to “show up” for the people we love. What good is a bottle of bubbly if — on most days — if you rarely eke out a hello when your partner comes home from work? Or if you don’t know about or understand an important project because it has nothing to do with you?

To be sure, the world we live in makes it harder to connect. A Stanford University study found:

…people who are regularly bombarded with several streams of electronic information do not pay attention, control their memory or switch from one job to another as well as those who prefer to complete one task at a time.

And that was in 2009. Our attention span has been utterly ravaged since then. In 2021, with so many forces vying for our ears and eyes, we are more likely than ever to engage in “turning away,” as renowned researcher John Gottman calls it. This doesn’t bode well for the health of our closest relationships.

So when your valentine makes a “bid” for your attention — on February 14 or any day — turn your head towards him or her. I would add: And think of a good question to ask.

The payoff is huge. That momentary connection in which you listen and respond — and, ideally, ask more about it — takes very little time but can make a big difference: Four out of five couples who are still married six years after their wedding have an 86% “turning toward” rate–that is, most of the time when their partner asks for a moment of their attention, they look up, make eye contact, and listen.

And if you weigh the two options–watching that Tik-Tok video vs. letting your valentine know that he or she matters–it’s no contest.