7 Simple Strategies for Wrangling and Replenishing Your Connections in the Wake of COVID

This is Part 2. Also read Part 1: Why relationships are central to identity, direction in life, even how long we live.

The bottom line: We are social beings. All relationships matter. They shape us and nurture us, no matter how casual the connection. — Part 1

The people we bring into our lives are range from soul mate — your so called significant other — to a variety of “other significants.”

The bottom line: We are social beings. All relationships matter. They shape us and nurture us, no matter how casual the connection.

It simply makes sense to take care of all of them.

7 Strategies to Reap the Rewards of All Relationships

All your relationships — the close and less close — require consideration, care, and ongoing maintenance. They change as you change. Some deepen; others disappear.

As you get older, one of my old ladies, Zelda — who almost made it to 105 — often reminded me, friends and acquaintances die. Then you need to “replenish.”

Admittedly, some of us find it easier than others to engage and make acquaintances. But everyone can — and all of us should try. It’s that important.

1. Open your eyes.

Pay attention during your daily comings and goings: walking in your neighborhood or commuting, at the office or gym or a house of worship, waiting for your child with other parents in the parking lot, attending a once-weekly meeting of a group or club. You’re bound to spot someone interesting.

Simply reach out and just be you — no agenda other than connecting in that moment. The new acquaintance might eventually become one of your other significants. Or not — and that’s okay, too. Even a momentary connection can matter.

2. Allow context to spark conversation.

No surprise that when Rocky and I encounter an affable dog owner in the Champ de Mars, our first questions and comments are about our canine companions. I’ve mastered a few essential sentences in French. Quel âge a ton chien. Quelle race? We broaden from there. This is Paris, so it’s also safe to venture into food, art, and the upcoming French presidential election.

The conversation might never go deeper than these comfortable, obvious launching points, but when I sense the potential for a more lasting connection, I might reveal more.

3. Get outside yourself and your concerns.

Developing a relationship is like the kids’ game: You show me yours and I’ll show you mine. I know we’re in the Instagram Age, but to make the best impression, don’t show yours first. It’s fine to answer questions about about yourself, but don’t offer too much too soon.

Be someone who seems interesting but, more important, is interested. Lead with questions. Ask about the other person. Compliment (if you mean it). Offer assistance. Share something you know that the other person might find helpful or relevant. Be generous.

4. Keep up the connection virtually.

Using technology to “talk” is second nature to the many Millennials I’ve met since moving to Paris. They often document our moments together as we’re having them. But virtual visiting is not just a younger-generation thing. I recently met an interesting 60-something expat, with a cute pup and a pleasant way about her. It felt natural to suggest we trade cell phone numbers.

Sometimes, I might follow up by sending a link to an article about something that came up in conversation. Texting tells the other person, I liked meeting you. Relationships span a continuum from stranger to soulmate. Some consequential strangers eventually become friends. Others never make it into your phone.

5. Pay it Forward.

Be someone who shares your connections. Especially if a friend or acquaintance is isolated, and seems to be “stuck” there, try help them see beyond and appreciate new social vistas.

Make introductions where there’s common ground. Or do it just because they might enjoy each other. I used to make dinner parties for Zelda in Miami whenever friends visited from New York. I loved showing her off!

Caveat: You can’t force anyone to be “more sociable,” but you can be a power of example. Take a walk with your too-isolated friend, smile at passersby, perhaps strike up a conversation with one. Show them how you do it. Let them see that even a fleeting relationship — a toll-taker, a doorman, a passerby — can feel good in the moment.

6. Treat your loved ones like consequential strangers.

You have to cultivate all your relationships, not just your consequential strangers, although they’re easier to maintain. In my book, I call them “wash-and-wear relationships.” No history. Few assumptions. With someone you know less well, you’re more likely to listen, respond respectfully — and to accept advice.

Why not bring that openness, authenticity, and acceptance home? When you’re with your loved ones, be who you are. Just as important, really tune into them, just as you would a new person.

Of course, this is challenging. Our intimates can finish our sentences. They’re supposed to accept us no matter what. And it’s harder for them to accept change in us, because we’re familiar and often frozen at an earlier time in the relationship. Still, being a little more polite, kind, respectful, and attentive to the people closest to you will pay off. Start by stating your intention: I realize I’m sometimes preoccupied at home. I more attentive to my coworkers. So, I’m going to try to be as present with you as as I am with them. Show them you can do it. Give them a chance to reciprocate.

7. Make them laugh.

Perhaps because I am drawn to people who make me laugh, I try to bring joy and humor into every conversation. As it turns out, a lot in my itinerant life is funny — sometimes at my own expense. I’ve written about my crash landing in Paris and how my toddler French gets me in trouble.

Recently, I reached a new plateau which makes me a really fun person to have around:

I made a joke… in French — and on purpose. Not like the time I identified our local yoga studio as being located on “the passage of the penis.” My French friend Françoise is still laughing at that one.

My joke happened spontaneously when I was asked again, “So…how’s your French?” My response:

Je parle un peu français. Je ne comprends rien!

I speak a little French. I understand nothing.

I’ve since repeated the 2-part one-liner to Françoise and a handful of bilingual Americans. They loved it. I even got a few smiles from Parisian merchants. I dare not try it on Monsieur Grimal, though. One must know one’s audience when it comes to humor.

Link to Part 1: “Why ALL Relationships Are Key to Survival: A Timely and Urgent Truth”

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