Mastering the Art of “Letting Go”

The fastest route to inner peace and happiness

“Love isn’t always about hanging on. Sometimes it’s about letting go.” — Reham Khan

Hello, beloved Pub Family and everyone else! Welcome to Hope, Healing and Humour’s “newsletterish”.

What’s been cookin’ in your world over the past week? Got any highlights you’d like to share? Happiness? Bumpy bits? Downright misery? Do you need some TLC and cuddles from your loving editor or your HHH community? Let me/us know in the comments and we’ll love you up so you feel better, okay? 💜💜💜

As you can see from the above image, our theme this week is “letting go.” Recently, a couple of Medium writers were talking to me about this subject. I said I’d write about it last week but something else came up so I promised I’d do it today. Better late than never??

In my experience of working with people to help them get unstuck and moving forward over the past few decades, this topic has proven to be one of the toughest challenges they’ve faced. It’s also been one of the biggest stumbling blocks to their happiness.

It’s been the same for me in my own life. I’ve wrestled with this one more times than I can remember. So I really do understand how hard it can be.

Whether it’s a person, a relationship, a home, a job, a situation, a memory that hurts, an argument, beloved inanimate objects or anything else, it can be incredibly difficult to let go and move on.

So what’s that about anyway?

Well, in my personal and professional experience, it comes down to a few basics of human nature. When we dig into the underlying thoughts and feelings, they’re usually about some sort of fear. It might be a fear of change, such as, “Who will I be without this person/job/marriage or other circumstance?” Or “I’ll never find another house I love as much as this one!”

Perhaps you keep chewing on an argument or a decision that didn’t turn out as you’d hoped and now you’re drowning in regret, replaying it over and over and over in your mind, as though somehow, this is going to magically create a better ending.

Kind of like what I do every single time I watch the incredible classic, Gone With the Wind and I get to the end … I’ve probably seen it 20 times and still, I wish, wish, wish! for a different ending. But it never happens.

Go figure. 🧐🤓

One of the most challenging issues I’ve seen regarding “letting go” is when it comes to accepting difficult people as they are. Recently, AJ shared a story about an all-too-common situation — knowing full well what another person is like (in this case, his mother) but in a time of need, hoping against hope that perhaps this time, he would get the response he desired. Maybe this time, she could be somewhat motherly, or at least show a little care and compassion.

But, um … nope.

This sort of situation can often leave us feeling like we did something wrong, like we were stupid for having dared believe maybe this time it could be different.

Can I just say … this only makes matters worse. There’s nothing wrong with hoping. There’s nothing wrong with giving people another chance. There’s nothing wrong with trusting someone we love, and daring to try one more time. Their lack of a positive response speaks volumes about them. All it says about us is that we’re doing our best to be kind and to give someone the benefit of the doubt because it’s true, people can change. Heaven knows I certainly behaved dreadfully in my extremely messed up, much younger adult life. I’m not that person anymore. So I know others can change, too.

Whether they do it is another story. But you’re not defective because you hope it might happen.

When you’re dealing with difficult people or situations that do your head in over and over again, the best course of action is to accept them as they are.

Sure. How the hell do you do that?

By letting go of the angst. By not allowing yourself to engage in frustrating thoughts and replaying upsetting conversations over and over in your mind. By minding your boundaries, and leaving those people to carry on as they are. By not giving them even a tiny portion of your happiness (which you do every time you let their behaviour upset you).

I’m not saying it’s easy, especially if you live in the same house with difficult people or if you’re in a close relationship with them. But the more you choose not to engage in these unhealthy thoughts and interactions, the easier it gets.

So what about when it’s a relationship you don’t want to lose? What about when you’re freaking out because your spouse or “significant other” wants to end the relationship while you’re desperate not to let go? Or you have to sell the house you’ve worked so hard to turn into your home and you’re coming apart at the seams trying to hang onto it when it’s a financial impossibility?

I understand about loss. I understand about having to walk away from people, from homes, from “stuff” I’ve loved and that I thought would be part of my life forever. I moved last spring and it was my 50th house move. Only a handful of these were happy moves. Almost all of them happened in distressing, chaotic, traumatic and/or turbulent circumstances.

One of them in particular was terribly painful — my supposed “forever home” that clearly was not. I wasn’t just holding on to that beautiful old stone cottage as if my life depended on it, I was clinging to the dream that went with it. A dream I would then move heaven and earth to try to keep alive or resuscitate in one form or another for many more years. To say this did me no favours would be an understatement.

While I was deep into hanging onto my cottage for dear life, I came to understand a painful truth that has stuck with me ever since.

Sometimes the holding on is harder than the letting go.

While you’re busy holding on, you’re immersed in fear, even if you don’t recognise it as such. You’re so afraid that the relationship or job or whatever it is will be taken from you or will disappear, you can’t stand it. What on earth will you do if you let it go? If it’s gone? How will you function? What will happen? Who will you be without it/him/her?

So you cling a little more, you grab on a little tighter, thinking if you just squeeze harder, you won’t have to let go of whatever it is.

But it’s exhausting to hold on. Fear sucks the life out of you. Worrying and gnawing on it and obsessing about all the “what ifs” will drive you nuts. It saps your energy. Depletes your creativity. Fills you up with negative energy that causes stress and inflammation. This can bring about a variety of ailments from mild ones to some pretty big nasty miseries and health issues that you really do not want.

Fear will eat you alive. I remember a terrible period of years during which I was struggling financially and fearing bankruptcy. The more I focused on the fear, the more of it I got. And the worse my financial situation became.

When I couldn’t cope with the terrifying knot in my gut anymore and I finally let go of the angst and embraced the inevitable, everything changed.

So How Do You Actually “Let Go”?

You do it by first realising that it’s time to move on. By allowing yourself to believe that whatever it is, it is not — or was not — meant for you. And then with every rebellious, “But…!” thought that rolls through your mind, you let it go and insert a more helpful one.

“But I loved that job!” There’s a better one waiting for you.

“But I love him/her!” If he/she had been meant for you, it would have worked out.

“But she said such terrible, hurtful things to me!” Stop choosing to remember them, ’cause now you’re just hurting yourself.

“But I can’t stop thinking about that mistake I made!” Yes. You can.

For everything in the past that you wish you had done differently, every time you hear yourself start to go there, bring yourself back to the present moment. Remind yourself that unless you’ve got a time machine, you can’t go back and make another decision.

I mean, at the time of this writing, Margaret Mitchell’s been dead for nearly 75 years. Even if she were still breathing, I’m pretty sure she wouldn’t rewrite her Pulitzer-Prize-winning novel and change the ending for me. (Side note: Gone With the Wind was the only novel she wrote. Talk about hitting it out of the park on your first swing of the bat!)

And if you think you need an apology from someone in order to move on or if you’re having a hard time with forgiveness, here’s some info on what it is — and what it isn’t:

At the end of the day, letting go is simply about repeatedly making the choice to leave the past where it lies and refocusing your attention on what is. What IS in this moment. Right here, right now. Not what was. Not what you wish it had been. Not what you want it to be. Not what it could have been or might have been or should have been.

The Rolling Stones summed it up quite nicely when they told us we can’t always get what we want. They were right.

Some things are meant for you. Others are Not. Torturing yourself by clinging to The Ones That Are Not because you fear a life without them will only make that life a living hell.

Why would you choose that?

Say goodbye to the past. Say goodbye to the job, the love, the home, the “stuff.” Whatever it is that isn’t or wasn’t meant for you.

Accept what is. And be willing to dismiss all thoughts to the contrary, one at a time as they pop into your mind, and insert a positive, helpful, forward-looking one instead.

The more often you do this, the sooner you will have let go of your attachment — the true source of suffering, as the Buddha taught.

That Buddha. He was one smart cookie.

The Invitation: I would love to see your stories and poems about your challenges as well as your triumphs with letting go. What have been your toughest experiences? How did you overcome them? What are you doing toward learning to let go of what isn’t meant for you?

January Contest — Prize is $50 USD

For some time, Witchy has wondered…

…How do you think it feels to be a tube of lipstick?

Now … contemplate all the ways in which you could create a story out of this.

Use your imagination. Let it run wild! Keep in mind the fun and playful, sweet spirit of Witchy as you write a minimum of 300 words for this story.

Here are the details:

• You’ve gotta be one of HHH’s writers
• Stories must be at least 300 words in length
• Submitted to Hope, Healing and Humour (draft only, as usual, please)
• The writer who submits the funniest or most imaginative, creative story will win $50 USD (you must have a valid Paypal or Ko-fi account to receive this prize)
• Deadline: 30 January, 2024, midnight MST
• Winner announced on Saturday, 3 February, 2024

Jolka has written a clear and straightforward view of how important it is to detach from negative people and influences:

During my time on Medium, I’ve heard a lot of talk about the necessity of having a niche. I’ve always had the same answer to that and finally decided to write about it in hopes of relieving some stress in those who have been worrying:

Cristina Cattai gives us her thoughts and changing habits that focus on self-care, and I especially love the simplicity in her choices:

Rick Allen asks some excellent questions and makes an important distinction between accomplishing a goal, and what happens to us during that process:

Chantal Christie Weiss relates an incredibly painful, yet powerful story of loss and suffering, as well as hope and healing:

Daniel Ng has faced numerous challenges in dealing with his lovely bride’s health issues. Gabrielle has been in hospital for a very long time and has had numerous setbacks but still, even when she can barely communicate their love endures. And he has discovered a new definition of Love, the kind that comes in many forms and from many others …

Lisa Precious / Smiley Blue discusses a topic that isn’t talked about much — if at all, yet it’s extremely common — family scapegoat abuse. Can you relate to this painful role?

Grace Delphia shares a shocking story with a humorous look at a terribly painful situation — and with a brilliant twist about the body’s wisdom:

Sara Fellers shares a beautiful story of the deep need for peace and healing, and an important first step to get there:

And a couple more entries for Witchy’s contest:

TzeLin Sam’s lipstick story was so sweet — lots of sad moments and cute ones and plenty of chuckles — and then the completely unexpected last line cracked me up and made me laugh so hard I nearly choked on my apple slices:

And another lipstick story by Sharon Johnson — poor Coral, she’s stuck way in the back of a drawer … will she ever see the light of day again?

Tagging our beloved Pub Family, with deep gratitude to all of you for sharing in this journey and being part of our beautiful community!

Kris Bedenian Rodney Brazier Patti Murray Voncannon Carrie Kolar Croix Sather Deb Fiore Dina Alexander DL Nemeril Donnette Anglin Loren Lieberthal Jimmy Misner Jr. Judy Millar Julie Gaeta Pene Hodge Karen Schwartz James Knight Dr. Preeti Singh Radhika Iyer Sam Branstner Umme Salma Tamil T Mann Vidya Sury, Collecting Smiles Lion~ Wendy S. Bradfield Yana Bostongirl Jo An Fox-Wright Maddox Suma Narayan Penny Walsh Shameem Anwar Irene Fassler Sandy Peckinpah Trista Signe Ainsworth Slow train Ashley Nicole B.R. Shenoy Carolyn Hastings Christina Christine Vann, MSc. Ellie Jacobson Isabel Young Kaz Rochford Nia Simone McLeod Nicole Hilbig Patricia Wright Pam Winter Jodian Marie Thomas, MS, Bsc, Asc L Burton Danielle Hestand Sahil Patel Malky McEwan Barbara Cook Tyra Jaide Eko BP Drashti Shroff Evergreen Eden Bernie Pullen Rhea Anglesey CARMEN F MICSA Robin Oakman Mary Vraa Libby Shively McAvoy Kristina God Niall Leah Debbra Lupien, Voice of the Akashic Records Toya Qualls-Barnette Vashni Stories Dawn :) Divya Goswami BichoDoMato Evon Carole Olsen Sharon Sayler, Author Jennifer Dunne Kylie van Gelder Neha Sonney, Author Christina Sponias Ian Hanson JF Danskin Patrick OConnell Mary V Elvie Lins❤️ Carmellita Gauri Sirur Kristie Leong M.D. IJaveria Ansari Asim Nori Dipo Adebayo Andreia Damian Jenine Bsharah Baines Jodi Marie Mahein Kazi Mario López-Goicoechea Raine Lore Vishal Mehta Aarti Tailor A Rustic Mind (Manali Desai) Mona S Gable Anne Emerick Andra Forbes Anaya Nosso Kasturi Patra Mary B Mel Janecka Rebecca Romanelli Life not abrupt (L.n.a.) Rebecka Rose Hollie Petit, Ph.D. Michael Mallen Gauri Sirur Raine Lore Penny Walsh CARMEN F MICSA, MA in English, podcaster Mary V Marilyn Flower Srini James Beaufait Joe Merkle Rupa Mahanti Binky Ink Writing Trisha Faye John Antony Mario López-Goicoechea Sherry Atkinson Seda Anbarcı Ella de Jong Katherine Myrestad HAPPINESS + WEALTH ⭐ Nathan Chen Zeenat Merchant Syal, M.A, M.Sc Ben Ulansey Brandon Kam Victoria Kjos J Oliver Dempsey Binky Ink Writing Karen Schwartz AJ Carrie Kolar TzeLin Sam Sally Prag Jenine “Jeni” Baines Vera-Marie Landi Alan (AJ) Autistic Widower Rebecca A Emrich Grace Delphia Simply Sophia Sheri Jacobs Ella de Jong Tamara Embrey Trisha Faye Carolina Smith Janet Meisel Elena dL Daniel Ng JonesPJ Nathan Chen Amir Bibi Rick Allen Helen Gilmore Marcus aka Gregory Maidman OCTAVIA EVER AFTER Qaiser Khan Benighted Sharon Johnson Julie KingGood Nina Sklansky Debbie Soderberg Kirchner Jolka Maria Rattray Shereen Bingham Kyle Wells Cristina Cattai Charisse Tyson Sam Letterwood Sara Fellers Mehak Adlakha Lisa Precious / Smiley Blue Kumar Devesh Chantal Christie Weiss Hisho Sam David Parker🌸 Robyne Sautner Intellectual Addict Mike Sansone Darlene López Kimberley Abraham Tamara Low