ROCK BOTTOM | TRANSITION

I Found a More Powerful Me at the Bottom of Rock Bottom

“The further you fall into the hole, the higher you have to climb to get out.” ― Brittany Burgunde

Liberty Forrest, Author via Navigating Challenging Inner Shifts and Turning Points, invited submissions of stories about working through frightening transitions. Here is one of those.

CW: Suicide

“2020 was like, ‘I know a place’ and took us to Hell.” — Unknown

I was excited and optimistic. It was a brand-new decade, and after a difficult previous decade, although most had been for me, I was eager and positive about the brand-spanking new ‘20s.

From January 1st, I had been eating clean and training at the gym, my senses were filled with fabulous energy right up until the first unexpected lockdown. I had read reports of aircraft being grounded from around February, however, I had no idea — none of us did — what would happen next.

During that first night on March 23rd, I was filled with anxiety and panic looking for alternative paid work. My self-employed massage business is close contact so I had no idea how I would survive.

Looking back on those next few months, I miraculously got by. A beautiful and kind friend started to regularly gift money into my bank account for food and fortunately, our government, after a bunch of months, helped the self-employed with grants.

I also decided to use the time wisely and purchased an affordable online Life Coaching course; something I had always wanted to do since the beginning of my spiritual awakening in 2013.

Just after my birthday at the near end of June, the first lockdown came to an end and we were free to roam out from our hibernation, although we had regulations to abide by. This for me, was when the true shit hit the fan, even though we had ALL painfully endured a frightening few months.

My twin had believed the Pandemic was a conspiracy theory of sorts until we almost lost him in the ICU to Covid, a year later. But that is another story.

And so being blessed with a beautiful summer in the South of England — we spent much of our time walking, and picnicking in our local parks and beaches.

At the beginning of July — the fourth— I opened up my Facebook and was shocked to come across a ‘Missing’ post of my gorgeous and talented 21-year-old nephew. He had always been a bit of a joker, and so for just a nanosecond, I hoped it was a prank. I messaged my sister — after I looked at the post in more detail — sending my love, and prayed he would turn up soon. I nonchalantly thought he would!

Sadly, he didn’t. We found out a day later he had jumped into a river as soon as he ended a call to his father — the cold temperature and current taking him immediately. It felt surreal, and I didn’t know how to grieve, being that it seemed too impossible and horrendous — to be real.

My boyfriend shut down on me just a few days before Finn’s funeral — and when I needed him most. He had lost two siblings in traumatic ways, and so he wasn’t emotionally strong enough. It felt cold and unthinkable, and I was numb.

We have both since, had therapy together, nonetheless, 2020 was for me — a year I went so far down to rock bottom, that it seemed I couldn’t and didn’t want to get back up. I had lost any sense of hope and found myself clothed in hopelessness.

My daughter struggled too. She had loved and adored her cousin — we still miss his beautiful face and colourful personality. She had been studying an Art Foundation course, which should have opened up her world, yet there weren’t enough resources to successfully learn at home, only the basics.

I drowned myself in wine, my nemesis, like most people in that year — yet I felt myself spiral deeper and deeper into an abyss. All my childhood abandonment and abuse — triggered.

The huge grieving hole of Finn’s suicide perforated the already difficult dynamics of our family. My boyfriend shutting down on me, and to boot — ongoing chronic painful health issues— took me to a place of pure darkness.

Thoughts of suicide filled my mind some of those months, as I downed painkillers with a lot of wine. I feel terrible when I write about it now — how could I ever do something so traumatic to my beautiful daughter? And yet at the time, my thoughts were thick with blackness and death, and for a short time, felt the only way out.

I had attempted suicide when I was eighteen, yet somehow pulled through after a friend found me — yet this was different — a soul tiredness, a loss, and hitting an invisible monumental wall.

I gained so much weight, and the suppressive effects of alcohol clouded my perception for far too long. As I came to the end of that year, a new inner strength and an innate knowledge emerged. A spiritual hand came through and showed me that I was able to rise above my then-thinking. That my thoughts are more than powerful, and that nothing in life is what it seems.

We have the durability to believe in ourselves with far greater abilities. We can reach inside and trust we are more than what we’ve been led to believe. That old negative messages about ourselves aren’t set in stone. We can change, and I also learned about the power of Neuroplasticity.

From the first day of January 2021, I took part in my gym’s Zoom online classes and got involved in Myzone competitions for fun and prizes. Later that year, I won a global competition, one of only twelve people from around the world! My prize was a £500 Virgin Experience voucher.

I also stopped drinking wine for seven months and, took up my Life Coaching course that I couldn’t even face in 2020, and passed. I wasn’t sure what I was doing, yet I pushed myself because I knew that it was only my thoughts that told me I couldn’t pass. I had a beautiful review from my tutor. I became friendly with an online coach, after taking up her free Facebook coaching webinar, and she gifted me Shirzad Chamine’s six-week Positive Intelligence course, which tackles our self-sabotages.

I also committed to pro bono coaching sessions and the following year, couple and individual therapy. Nevertheless, I can still find it tough to see my talents, yet I do accept that they are here within me, and I can and will grow and learn with consistency, and self-compassion.

Without those dark six months in 2020, I wouldn’t have reached the depths of the following three years of transition, to where I am now in January 2024. Without the darkness, we cannot always grow.

“It is often in the darkest skies that we see the brightest stars.” — Richard Evans

I wanted to add the fantastic writer Grace Delphia, with her wonderful piece for the Hope * Healing * Humour’s January writing competition.

Thank you for being you

© Chantal Weiss 2024. All Rights Reserved