3 Biggest Myths About Confidence That Are Making You More Insecure
#1: “Confidence comes within”
I don’t know about you, but I bet you’ve ever met someone in your life and been amazed at how much confidence that person projected.
Then, you tried to find a rational reason for their perceived social advantage. You probably told yourself, “he’s probably born confident,” or “she’s an extrovert, so of course she has that confidence.”
Yeah, no.
As much as confidence is something many of us endeavor to get, there are also a lot of misconceptions or myths surrounding confidence. If you believe these myths, you may feel that confidence is unattainable — or just not for you.
Here are three confidence myths that actually play a part in making you more insecure instead of being more confident.
Myth #1: Confidence comes within
It was the year 2018 when my ex, whom I had been dating for about 3 years, cheated on me and dumped me like a total bag of trash. The same year when my business plummeted, and I lost a total value of $6000.
I was alone, barely had any friends, and had unhealthy relationships with my family. All led me to be a walking insecurity machine.
Luckily, it was also the same year when I read an article written by Tony Robbins about how to gain self-confidence from within.
His very first words struck me.
“Being confident is nothing more than a belief in yourself. It’s the feeling of certainty that you can accomplish whatever you set your mind to.” — Tony Robbins
I felt a powerful sense of relief. Because along with the other 85% of people who struggle with low self-esteem, I was feeling dreadfully inadequate and unloved.
Reading the tips from Tony Robbins, I believed I could change my state of being. I could get that intrinsic motivation from within and increase my confidence levels. I thought to myself that I’d never place my self-worth on external factors anymore.
But I forgot one important thing, the universal rule of the universe: nothing is as easy as it seems.
Call it Murphy’s Law or just life, both are indeed true.
After dealing with many failures and rejections, only later I knew that confidence is a LOT more than a belief in yourself, but it is ultimately shaped by relationships and experience.
Tony Robbins was not completely wrong, though.
To some extent, our belief about ourselves is indeed what determines our levels of confidence. And even though Tony is not 100% correct (no one is), his strategies do work for some people in some situations.
However, our past and current relationships with people are highly important for our levels of confidence.
Your confidence and anxiety levels largely depend on the support and encouragement you receive from the people around you, or the lack of it that helps shape your inner feelings about yourself.
Depending on our upbringing, we may have had wonderful or traumatic childhood — or anything in between.
Growing up in a nurturing environment that provides positive feedback plays a huge role in increasing your self-confidence level.
On the other hand, if you grew up in an abusive home, were a victim of bullying, are in a toxic relationship, or have a hyper-critical manager (or “friends”) — your relationship with yourself is probably less-than-ideal.
Confidence doesn’t come within, it is ultimately shaped by relationships and experience.
I know, it feels unfair as it’s not something you can fully control.
But it is also not your fault.
What you can do right now is to learn about the condition of your relationships in a thoughtful way. Consider which relationships are serving you and which aren’t. Set boundaries with people who keep on bringing you down, and amp up time with the people who lift you up.
It’s also important to know when to seek professional help — such as a therapist or coach — to help you re-evaluate your relationships and determine the severity of your condition.
Another reason why the idea of “confidence starts within” is flawed is that confidence and experience are positively correlated.
In other words, it’s through experience with something that we gain confidence.
Think about it. It doesn’t matter how many books you read about how to present in front of a large group of people, you’re still going to feel anxious about presenting in front of a big audience until you’ve done it 5, 10, 30 times.
In fact, you’re still going to feel some anxiety every time — just not as anxious as you felt the first time you did it.
Confidence comes with familiarity. Familiarity comes with experience. And guess what? Experience doesn’t come from within.
Myth #2: If you feel insecure or anxious about yourself, you have low self-esteem
First of all, self-esteem is not just about a simple set of perceptions of yourself. The concept of self-esteem itself is a lot more nuanced than what most people think.
No matter how confident you are in yourself, there will always be instances and situations in which you feel under-confident or anxious about yourself.
When you’re in new or potentially difficult situations — like preparing for a job interview, having a medical test, or caring about what other people think of you — it’s totally normal to feel anxious.
Now, of course, if you have chronic feelings of worry, fear, or dread day-in, day-out, that’s something you probably want to change. I’m not saying you should change, but speaking from experience — and I’m confident about this — it is an exhausting way of life.
I’m proud of myself that I amazingly have lived for about 2,4 decades so far despite being a walking insecurity machine for years.
There are days when I feel very happy and there are days when I feel absolutely miserable. And that’s okay — because the idea that confidence is a permanent, achievable state is a myth that perpetuates shame and frustration.
Just like self-esteem, confidence is situational and fluctuates a lot throughout our lifetime.
It’s important to know that while low self-esteem is a negative thing, very high self-esteem isn’t good either. Healthy self-esteem exists in the middle of a continuum between high and low self-esteem.
As Megan Bruneau once said:
“You are not broken, weak, or underdeveloped because you feel anxious and insecure at times. It only means you’re human and you care.”
Myth #3: Confidence is about believing “I’m perfect!” or “I’m going to nail this!”
“I say never be complete. I say stop being perfect. I say let’s evolve. Let the chips fall where they may.” — Tyler Durden (Fight Club)
When I first watched Fight Club, I initially thought it was an ordinary film with a twist in the end. But Tyler’s words stuck in my mind.
After re-watching it for the 14th time, I realized that if there’s one thing we can all learn from the movie, is that tomorrow is not promised to anyone. We only have one life, one chance to make it right.
In reality, we can’t predict the future. We have influence over the outcome, but not control.
And that’s where confidence comes in.
True self-confidence is not about knowing you can do it, but knowing you’ll be just fine if you can’t do it.
See the difference?
Confidence is about expecting the unexpected. It’s about knowing how to realistically manage your expectations toward a situation, permitting yourself to be an imperfect human being, and understanding that even if you mess up, everything is going to turn out all right — because you already did your best.
You can never do something perfectly. When you expect perfection, you set yourself up for disappointment. A myriad of studies has also found that perfectionists have higher levels of stress, burnout, and anxiety (hope I’m not talking to a mirror).
However, when you give yourself a little room for inevitable err, you lower your anxiety and feel more capable of achieving your realistic expectations.
And from that, we can feel secure in our universally shared imperfection.
The Big Takeaway
Confidence is not something you have, and it’s definitely not inherited. To sum up, here are the truths about self-confidence:
- Confidence does not start within. It is ultimately shaped by relationships and experiences throughout your lifetime.
- It’s natural to feel under-confident, particularly in unfamiliar situations or performing new tasks.
- Confidence is about believing “I’m imperfect, like everyone else — and that’s okay.” and embracing it to realistically manage your expectations for every situation.
It’s time to step over these misconceptions and allow yourself to move forward and achieve the goals you’ve set for your life.
So the next time you hear someone (or even yourself) said the antipodes of the three truths above — you can set the record straight. Confidently.
