EVERYONE DIES!!
22 Super Nice Things to Say at a Funeral
Fun fact: Hong Kong has the world’s longest life expectancy
Finding the ideal words to say to a friend or family member who has lost a loved one is never easy, especially if you’re inherently a horrible person. I’ve got your back. Here are 22 super nice things to say at a funeral without waking the dead:
- I sincerely hope your husband has gone to hell. I know you’ll go to hell. (So they’ll be together in the afterlife.)
- You and your family are in our thoughts and prayers. (Save the sarcastic tone for the comments section.)
- If you ever want to talk, here’s my Snapchat username — everyonediesdimwit. I’m always active there. Send me a snap of you crying with makeup on. We’ll take it from there. Or you can find me on LinkedIn where I’m equally active. DM me a picture of you crying with a black suit on.
- STOP CRYING!! Be brave or stay strong. (This will give them a good chuckle.)
- I hope your husband rots in hell. (She may have poisoned him. You badly need her to be on your side.)
- They’re literally in a better place. (It’s a fact. Nobody can argue with you about a fact. Fun fact: People love fun facts.)
- I will be thinking about you all night. (Try not to use your super creepy tone.)
- I hope your therapist doesn’t suck like mine does. (Let them know you’re being thoughtful.)
- This is so very sad. I am so very devastated. (Saying “so” and “very” together is so very important.)
- I know exactly how you’re feeling. A rat passed away in my home last week. I suspect my rat poison is the reason. I’m still so very devastated. (If you’re lucky, they’re super into rats, too.)
- I think I know exactly how you’re feeling. (Shift the focus of attention from their feelings to yours. It will make them hate you, which distracts them from their grief.)
- Everything happens for a reason. (Use your best philosophical tone. Consider rubbing your chin thoughtfully.)
- For what it’s worth, this is only the third funeral in my life. I genuinely don’t know what to tell you. (Let them pity you. Honesty can go a long way — and facts.)
- Fun fact: Hong Kong has the world's longest life expectancy — 85.29 years. (Use your most sincere tone. Sincerity at a time like this is the most important thing.)
- I have a dog named Maria. I'm willing to rent her to you for a week with a 5% grieving discount! Because we're friends. (Providing emotional support can save their lives.)
- I’m shocked, saddened, and shattered by your husband’s demise. (Using a minimum of 3 strong verbs in a sentence ensures YOU are sadder than the grieving widow. All verbs should start with “S”.)
- You know I usually prefer to send condolences via a handwritten sympathy card. But here I am. (Let them know how lucky they are.)
- Do you think your husband hanged himself because of you? (Fun fact: Giving people food for thought instantly stops them from grieving.)
- Fun fact: Central African Republic has the world's shortest life expectancy — 54.36 years.
- (Start crying. Don’t stop until they stop crying.)
- R.I.P.!!! (Sometimes an acronym will do.)
- I have a fun fact to tell you and it’s so very — soothing, solacing, and softening!! (If you forget your fun fact, shove several handfuls of chips into your mouth.)
With these awfully helpful tips, I know you’ll be super excited about your next funeral. If you feel tempted to kill someone right now just to attend that funeral, you have my thoughts and prayers.
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A special thanks to the super nice T. Kent Jones for making sure nobody dies from reading this article.
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