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2030

Abstract

ree-year-old dog <i>Dan Brown</i> peed on your book. <i>(Ask them if they want to see it. The book, not the dog.)</i></li><li>I’m <i>obsessed</i> with your <i>first page</i> of chapter one, so much so that I’ve read it more than 9600 times. I can’t turn that page yet. Ask me <i>anything </i>from it. <i>Spoiler Alert: </i>Literally nothing happens.</li><li>I read that<i> solitary </i>Amazon review of your book, which was written by your teenage daughter. It said — <i>“Stop writing about my pathetic dating life in your dumb book. Minus Ten Stars.” </i>It wasn’t exactly a turn-on. <i>(Show them your best sad face.)</i></li><li>Change your name to Agatha Christie and reprint the entire book. I read books <i>only </i>written by my darling Agatha. <i>(Point them your Agatha tattoo on your forehead.)</i></li><li>I hate your stupid face and I loathe your pretentious writing. I’ll never read your book. <i>(Burn the book in front of them and genuinely cry until they leave.)</i></li><li>I’ll be blunt — I’m <i>not </i>sorry I haven’t read your book yet, but it’s on my <i>Kindle</i> for the trip to Mars, which isn’t light years away from now. <i>(Show them your booked ticket to Mars to give them assurance.)</i></li><li>Why don’t you try to write a sequel and send it to me? I’ll read both books altogether. <i>(See, it’s all about assurance.)</i></li><li>My house caught on fire last night. Didn’t you see the news? Your book turned into ashes. Poof! <i>(Go home right now and burn your house down. Make sure there are no humans or pets inside it. Of course, you, too.)</i></li><li>Have you read <i>my </i>book yet??</li></ol><p id="83b4">Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow <a href="https://medium.com/muddyum">MuddyUm</a> and <a href="https://medium.com/@srini-here">Srini</a></p><p id="03bf">A special thanks to the crackerjack <a href="undefined">Stephanie Wilson</a> for her astute editing.</p><p id="b618"><b><i>Falling in love with Srini? Read these to forget him for good:</i></b></p><div id="c6f1" class="link-b

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MINUS TEN STARS

16 Things to Say Instead of “Sorry, I Haven’t Read Your Book Yet”

George Raymond Richard Martin Who?

Photo by SHVETS production from Pexels

Everyone writes books these days, more than they write text messages. You should always be weaponized with your sincerest excuses when your friend/author asks, "Have you read my book yet?”

I'm here to save you from all the inevitable awkwardness. You know you can always count on me.

  1. I accidentally broke my Kindle as soon as I didn’t see my name in your Acknowledgments.
  2. Page 1039 in your book shattered my heart into a billion pieces but page 2397 mended my heart — only to get heartbroken again on page 65319. George Raymond Richard Martin Who?
  3. You’re not going to believe this but you should. Last night, a burglar broke into my house and stole — nothing — except your book. Can I get another free copy — burglar-proof?
  4. I’ve completely forgotten how to read. That’s why I haven’t answered any of your texts either. How is it even possible? You should write a book about that. I promise I’ll read it.
  5. This is the best book I’ve ever read. GET OUTTA HERE!!! The Pulitzer Prize deserves this book.
  6. As soon as I saw my name on your Dedication page, I teared up. I can’t seem to move past that page. Will you please read it again to me now while I sob?
  7. Your book titled “Sorry, I Haven’t Read Your Book Yet” cracked me up so much that I’ve yet to move past the Copyright page. It still does. (Laugh genuinely now. Fake it!)
  8. My three-year-old dog Dan Brown peed on your book. (Ask them if they want to see it. The book, not the dog.)
  9. I’m obsessed with your first page of chapter one, so much so that I’ve read it more than 9600 times. I can’t turn that page yet. Ask me anything from it. Spoiler Alert: Literally nothing happens.
  10. I read that solitary Amazon review of your book, which was written by your teenage daughter. It said — “Stop writing about my pathetic dating life in your dumb book. Minus Ten Stars.” It wasn’t exactly a turn-on. (Show them your best sad face.)
  11. Change your name to Agatha Christie and reprint the entire book. I read books only written by my darling Agatha. (Point them your Agatha tattoo on your forehead.)
  12. I hate your stupid face and I loathe your pretentious writing. I’ll never read your book. (Burn the book in front of them and genuinely cry until they leave.)
  13. I’ll be blunt — I’m not sorry I haven’t read your book yet, but it’s on my Kindle for the trip to Mars, which isn’t light years away from now. (Show them your booked ticket to Mars to give them assurance.)
  14. Why don’t you try to write a sequel and send it to me? I’ll read both books altogether. (See, it’s all about assurance.)
  15. My house caught on fire last night. Didn’t you see the news? Your book turned into ashes. Poof! (Go home right now and burn your house down. Make sure there are no humans or pets inside it. Of course, you, too.)
  16. Have you read my book yet??

Wouldn’t you rather be laughing? Follow MuddyUm and Srini

A special thanks to the crackerjack Stephanie Wilson for her astute editing.

Falling in love with Srini? Read these to forget him for good:

Brand art courtesy of David Todd McCarty
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