BREAKUP IS LOVE
Now Hiring: Break-Up Specialists
We kill relationships to save lives
Greetings, disruptors! Terminate Now Agency (TNA) is delighted to announce we’re now hiring skilled break-up professionals to expand our business globally. With the abundance of relationships growing every day worldwide, TNA is pumped up to hire people who would literally kill for an opportunity like this.
Kidding. We mean figuratively kill. However, a literal kill does happen, maybe more than you’d think.
Mission: We kill relationships to save lives.
TNA may not be the number one break-up agency in the world — yet — but we vow to be at the top before our planet becomes extinct in 20 to 25 years, thanks to global warming.
Vision: The more the carbon footprint, the more we push ourselves to be the very best.
Job Description:
Ghosting romantic partners is not a noble thing to do. Or easy. When things go awry, doing the noble thing can cost peace and even lives.
Some partners may want to do the decent thing and break up with their partner themselves, only to find themselves manipulated back into the relationship again.
TNA will not let that happen. Not if you join us!
By hiring us, clients don’t have to be cowards anymore, afraid to spill the breakup news. They’ll never have to confront. You’ll do it for them.
We understand that breaking up with someone you love is hard. Breaking up with someone you barely know is even harder.
As a TNA Break-up Specialist, you’ll have to argue the client’s case with their partner, who may not always play ball. Your arguments will have to be convincing. Some people may even be following George Costanza's philosophy from Seinfeld:
“If she can’t find me, she can’t break up with me.”
You, Break-up Specialist, are going to find them at all costs.
So, are you the right person for the job?
Requirements:
- Specialists should have a long history of breakups in their own romantic life, a minimum of 150, none lasting strictly longer than two months. Clingy is never a good look.
- A Ph.D. degree or higher in Criminology.
- You must have watched the movie 500 Days of Summer 500 times in winter alone — alone.
- Approximately fifty percent of couples get back together again after breaking up. You should have a less than zero percent record. We have no room for ambivalence.
- You should have no contact whatsoever with any of your exes— unless you want to jeopardize this peerless career opportunity.
- Send us a list of the 1000 best worst breakup movies which you’ll have to show our client’s heartbroken partner during each successful breakup. We’re not barbarians.
Compensation:
We believe in rewarding the right candidate. We’ll personally send our top agents to effortlessly break up with your partner while we send you on holiday to Lut Desert for all your own breakups. This saves you from all that unnecessary drama because we care about our employees.
In case you didn’t know, Iran’s Lut Desert is the toughest place to survive on Earth. If you can survive the hottest temperature ever recorded on this planet, you can survive anything. Because TNA cares about the mental health of our employees — more, even, than their physical health.
Needless to say, refusing to break up with your partner in a relationship lasting longer than two months will be grounds for dismissal with no prior warning.
If this job sounds like a match made in heaven for you, please send your CV and motivation letter to [email protected].
Deadline for the application: Day before yesterday. Send it already.
Letting go of someone people love may be hard. But letting go of someone they hate doesn’t have to be.
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A special thanks to the mastermind T. Kent Jones for his top-notch editing skills and his additional jokes.
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