SHOOT FOR THE MOON
An Honest Job Rejection Letter
Life is unfair, so get used to that
Dear Srini,
Although we let you know we ruthlessly rejected your job application in our last email, we thought we should explain why exhaustively. We know you specifically opted not to receive any more explanation regarding your rejection. But you’re not getting away that easily.
We’re kidding. I say we but it’s just one person writing this letter. Did you think three HR people were typing this letter together on a single keyboard? We have better things to do. Although, that would be hilarious. We should try that someday. We hope you understand why I have to write we.
The truth is we’re writing to you again because we care about giving you closure. We know seeking closure can actually make grief worse. We deeply care about hurting you in case you’re numb due to your constant failures. Hurting lives is literally our mission statement. You should be thanking us for this letter. You can’t reply to this email, though. Don’t bother.
You mentioned working for Yale & Harvard Gun Manufacturers has been your dream job. We bet you say that to everyone, considering you’ve been unemployed for the last 9 years. You’re clearly incompetent, having zero criminal records. It’s honestly embarrassing. What made you think you’re cut out to work for the largest gun brand in the Universe? We do love the fact that you shoot for the moon.
You indicated in your motivation letter that novelist Dick Wimmer was turned down by publishers 162 times over more than 25 years before finally his first novel was published. We loved that cool fact. But who do you think you are? You are likely no Dick. Maybe you should apply to us for 25 years to get to be anything close to the famous Dick. At least, you can make the Guinness Book of World Records — for being the biggest loser.
However, we’re afraid we don’t have 25 years in this dying gun business. They’re banning guns left, right, and center, even in the military as we speak. We’re kidding. Guns are soon going to be the future currency for every human being in the world. You can quote us on that.
Life is unfair, so get used to that. Commit some crimes ASAP, preferably with guns. We might reconsider you. Do not quote us on that.
For now, after careful consideration, we’re moving forward with other candidates whose backgrounds are criminally outstanding. We hope we’ve hurt you enough. Or else we couldn’t sleep at night.
We thank you for your interest in the position of Vice President and for the time you’ve invested to apply to Yale & Harvard Gun Manufacturers. If you seek more clarity regarding your rejection, shoot our President — an email.
We look forward to receiving applications from you in the future. In the meantime, we wish you all the very best with your unemployment career.
Sincerely,
Katie Gunnett,
Rachel Gunther,
Boris Gundee
Human Resources Department.
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Thanks to the crackerjack Stephanie Wilson for her top-notch editing skills and her thoughtfulness.
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