2020 Virtual Commencement

Just Because Your Not Here, Doesn’t Mean We Can’t Bore You There

[Note From the Editors: Each year it is our custom to publish a transcript of the Tribune of Medium’s commencement address. We do so with the knowledge that every year his remarks get worse. We’ll admit that we have become perversely interested in how bad things can get. Though often reminded that “there is no bottom” when it comes to the Tribune, we are, nonetheless, repeatedly surprised. This year his honor addressed the graduates of the Mushamaguntic Beauty School and Salon for Tonsorial Sciences. His remarks were as follow.]

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for letting me into the meeting, though if you wanted to keep me in the waiting room with Fiona Apple for fifteen minutes, I’d be OK with that.

[The Tribune looked into his camera for a while, apparently expecting someone to laugh. — Eds.]

Dear beauticians and barbers, it is my supreme honor to stand before you on this, your day of graduation. Each year I address some group of fresh-faced students and tell them, “You will make the world a better place.” It’s generally a lie, but the honorarium they give me for these things isn’t enough to buy the truth. This year, however, I can say with candor and confidence, “You will make the world a better looking place.”

Before the pandemic I would have said that barber and undertaker were the two most recession-proof jobs. We all know how wrong I was. Still, hair isn’t going to stop growing. My guess is that your employment opportunities will wax significantly sometime after the failure to repay your student loans has permanently destroyed your credit. I’d apologize for that, but I would prefer to blame the bankers.

As graduates of the Mushamaguntic School of Beauty and Tonsorial Sciences, I’m sure you’re aware that the real money in the salon business is made by upselling hair-care products towards the end of your engagement with the client. With that in mind, I would like to introduce you to a “tonic” I invented called “Gutbloom’s Witch Hazel and Rum Rejuvenation Ointment”. While the posted ingredients list turmeric, CBD oil, and hydroxychloroquine, the main ingredient is really “rose water.” I get the Rose water from the tap in an apartment owned by a woman named “Rose.” That’s how I can give you 40% cut of the money collected from each sale. See me after the Commencement if you would like me to sign you up for a gross or a double gross. If you want a triple gross, I’ll have to take my clothes off.

Before I start to dole out advice, I want to address the elephant in the room. Some of you may be wondering why there are no people of color on the stage. The answer is simple. After this year’s State of Medium Address neither of the Obama’s are coming to anything I do ever again, even in the fanfic distopian backwater of my metafictional blog-hole. It’s OK, I understand. Plus, no people of color wanted to be on stage with Gandalf because Gandalf is a racist. Why do you think they call him “Gandalf the White?”

[At this point, Gandalf got up, displayed his “Black Lives Matter” cloak, and left the meeting -Eds]

And, for the record… in case any of you were wondering if I was a responsible ally or not… I’m trying to do my part. I want you to know that I was the person who bought the six-foot Italian combo sub that was served at refreshments after the protest down at the Mushamaguntic Free Library. That was me. I paid for that.

I’m not a racist.

[The Tribune starred into his camera for a while, as if he expected people to clap for him. — Eds.]

Here is the advice I’ll share. In the past, I always hoped that I could turn these “tidbits” into one of those little books that they sell at the point of sale spots in Borders and Barnes & Noble.

[One of the graduates typed “what are those” into the public chat. — Ed]

What were those? We called them “book stores,” but really you have to imagine a warehouse of books with underpaid English majors wandering around like fruit bats in the daytime periodically reshuffling tables of hardcovers adorned with beautiful portraits of talk-show hosts. What can I say? It was a more civilized age.

Here are my hard-won words of advice. Take them for what they are worth. Remember, the honorarium is meager. If they wanted me to to give you stock tips they would have paid a little more.

• Don’t vote for celebrities. I know it seems like a good idea because you think they might entertain you, but when the novelty wears off you will lament the fact that you cannot change the channel.
• Bet a boxed 1–2–8 trifecta at the dog track. If you can find a dog track. If you can find a dog track, please let me know where you found it. I have a double sawbuck in my pocket just burning to back some dog flesh.
• During a gold rush, you want to be the guy selling the shovels. During a pandemic, you want to be a really big corporation with lots and lots of lobbyists so you can get a fat straw to suck up all the government checks.
• Take a lot of scantily clad pictures of yourself while you still have good skin.
• Eat good food while you can still taste it.
• Bend and jump off things while your back and knees are still your friends.
• If you want to eat bad food, drink cheap whiskey, or chew tobacco, wait until you are my age. I plan to start smoking opium at 80.
• There are a lot of books you should read, but don’t bother with Paradise Lost, Finnegan’s Wake, The Decameron, Chaucer’s Canterbury Tales, or all the Dune books after the first one unless you are reading them for a class. Life is too short.
• In case you don’t know this, when people say “a triple-decker sandwich” they usually mean only two “deckers” and three pieces of bread. A club sandwich is a “triple-decker”, but there aren’t three layers of bacon and turkey in it. It might seem like this is a strange thing to tell you during a graduation speech, but I hate to think that you’re going to go out in the word and be disappointed in a diner just because you weren’t properly educated.
• Building inspectors aren’t foolproof. If you are buying a house, they will find the obvious faults, but if they miss something, you’d be surprised at what they are “not responsible for.”
• Insurance adjusters are people too. People trained to say, “That’s not covered.”
• What am I saying? You kids will never own houses.
• Sitting in Zoom meetings is counter-intuitively more mentally taxing than sitting in a real meeting. The best strategy I have found is to have snarky private chats with whatever nihilistically cynical co-workers you are lucky enough to find.
• When you were in middle school, your friends who said, “We totally love your [insert weird, often mentioned, shortcoming here]” were not your friends.
• Call cops “Bulls”. I’m not sure why. That’s what we did in the 60s, it seems like it should come around again.
• When someone says to you, “Just download the app” reply by saying, “Fuck off.”
• I think we’ve reached the end.

Once again, thank you for having me. I’m sorry that your final semester was done remotely. I hope you had a good time cutting the hair of “Virtual Ann and Andy.” I’m told by the lawyers that it was “a commensurate experience to hands-on barbering” and that your law suits seeking tuition refunds won’t work. We are not as sure about the “equipment fees” but the school’s lobbyists tell me that we are close to cock blocking you on that, too. Sorry you had to find out this way.

I wish you the very best. Go out, Make America Kempt Again (MAKA), and, if you are interested in my tonic or a triple gross, I will be at the Knickerbocker Bar after the ceremony. I’ll bring what was left of the six foot sub, and we can turn their “patio” into a beer garden and pop-up moral autonomous zone.

May the Flying Spaghetti Monster bless you and keep you, and may all your tips be more than 15%.

[The Tribune stared into his camera for a long time. Apparently expecting applause. He was greeted with silence. He said, “I hope the honorarium is in cash” and then turned off his video feed. — Eds]

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