The 2019 Commencement Address

Tradition Is Error Handed Down From the Past

[Note From the Editors: Each year it is our custom to publish a transcript of the Tribune of Medium’s commencement address. We will continue to do so, because we have discovered that the “clap backs” and links that result from the post being “ratioed” on Twitter result in “beaucoup” clicks. This year his honor, Tribune Gutbloom, spoke to the graduates of the Medium Community College. His remarks were as follow.]

Thank you. Thank you. Please. [Gutbloom held up his hands to quiet the crowd as if they were applauding for him. It was clear to all in attendance that the crowd was not cheering for him but just talking.] Thank you… no really… enough. You are too kind. [At this point the Tribune took a flask from his pocket, drank deeply, cleared his throat, and glared at the crowd. When they continued to talk he began shouting into the microphone.]

Dear almost graduates, it is my supreme honor to stand before you today in order to offer what little advice I may at the moment that you are about to step through the portal into what we called, in my day, the “real world”. Understand that the diplomas you receive today [A member of the college administration stepped forward, put her hand over the microphone, and said something in Gutbloom’s ear. He nodded vigorously and, when she had removed her hand, began again to address the crowd.] … I meant “certificates”. My understanding is that most of you are being awarded certificates in cyber-security, bio statistics, and E-sports. Is that right? [Many of the students cheered in response]. Is that all the robots have left to us? Cyber-security, bio statistics, and E-sports? [more cheers]. Well, at least you got to walk around in sweatpants and eat from the gluten-free pasta bar for two years, amirite? [more cheers] At least you’re not $150,000 dollars in debt right now. [some cheers]. And, you can wear MCC teeshirts and trinkets from the online store for the rest of your life. [more cheers.]

[The Tribune took a piece of paper out of his pocket and read it.] The Administration has asked me to put in a “plug” for the Certificates of Advanced Graduate Study. Since we’re pretty certain that many of you didn’t “follow your passion” and instead went and got the certificate that will land you a job, we are now offering a “Certificate in Blogging” program. What you are supposed to do is go out, get that job, work for about five years until you have paid off your student loans and come to the certain conviction that the assholes in your office aren’t going anywhere, then 86 the whole program, quit that job, and enroll in the Blogging Certificate Program so you can “find your voice.”

I want to assure you that the same selling points of MCC will still be in effect…. the two climbing walls… the gluten free pasta bars… the rape boxes every fifteen feet… and the free printing and laundry machines. You’ll be a student again. Get out the sweatshirt and stop shaving anything! Sounds good, doesn’t it?

As for the program itself, our promotional strategy is just like the Iowa Writer’s Workshop MFA. Did you know that Bret Easton Ellis, Jon Krakauer, Wil Wheaton are members of the Medium Blogging Program? [A woman in a business suit stepped forward and talked into Gutbloom’s ear, again he nodded vigorously and continued] The lawyers want me to make clear that “Members of the Medium Blogging Program” and the “Medium Certificate Program” are only the “same thing” in terms of homoousios, and not legally, the same things at all. Not even close. Is that clear? In other words, if you want to be like those men… I should mention that Lisa Renee, Lauren Modery, and Devon Henry are all members of the program… if you want to be like them, you should get with us, just don’t expect them to teach any of your classes or show up, unless we are giving out wine and awards.

This has gone on too long. Even I want to shoot me. [cheers].

OK, without further ado, by the power vested in Google, I say, “Alexa, grant the kids their certificates!” [cheers]

And now some advice.

Gutbloom’s Blogging Advice to Recent Graduates

• Don’t go behind the paywall. When I was a kid there was a porn shop near Times’ Square (the old Times’ Square, not the Disney Times’ Square) on Tenth Avenue where you could pay $20 and go “Behind the Green Door”. Well, what do you want? It was a mistake. It was a mistake to go behind the paywall then, and it’s a mistake to do it today.
• Only send the “friend’s link” to one person, that way you can see if they read your “story”. When they lie to you and say it was great you will have the satisfaction of KNOWING they are lying instead of just suspecting it.
• Don’t get rid of the LiveJournal account. Never ditch the LiveJournal account. That’s the rally point when we go to ground after the Publishing Apocalypse.
• Remember, the steps are: 1. Hit publish. 2. Reread Story for First Time 3: Notice numerous errors 4: “Fix” the piece by adding more errors.
• Readers love errors. It makes them feel like a copy editor, which means it makes them feel like they love their cats and drink too much herbal tea. Everyone likes to think they love their cats and drink enough herbal tea.
• If you think about hiring a copy editor to proofread your dreck, don’t. Instead, take that money you would have given to the cat person and box the 1,2, 8 trifecta at the dog track, or bet on the Celtics to win the whole ball of wax. You’ll be glad you listened to me.
• You should apply to the Iowa Writer’s Workshop MFA program because your rejection will make the people who get in feel even better about their acceptance. Bitter? No, why would I be bitter about the Iowa program? I never even applied, man.
• People say that if you want to write you should read a lot. That’s not true for blogging. For blogging you should just watch cartoons and read the back of candy bar wrappers.
• Blogging is coming back, like winter on Game of Thrones. It would be nice if I could extend that metaphor and somehow tie it to the idea that winter was defeated out of nowhere in four seconds of totally “outside the plot” TV crazy making, but really, the point was just to say “Game of Thrones”.
• I read the books. I did. That was one thing I read.
• What’s going on? This is the worst “advice” listicle ever. If you want to read a good one, go look at the older entries. All my best blogging is behind me.
• That’s why they call this “Blogging”, man.
• I’m not stopping.
• OK, I’ll stop.
• Have you seen this?

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