The 2018 Commencement Address
Just as Boring As Last Year
[Here is the text of the commencement address delivered to the graduating class of Mushamaguntic School of Economics by his honor, Tribune Gutbloom, on May 12th, 2018. Most in attendance agreed that it seemed as though the Tribune had been drinking prior to his remarks. One graduate described him as “mush-mouthed”. Another simply said, “Yea, grandpa was trashed.” Descriptions of some of the Tribune’s actions have been added in order to preserve the memory of the day’s embarrassing events. — The Editors]
Good afternoon. Thank you, Dean Teuer, for that informative introduction. I’m not sure why you had to mention the indictments, but you got a big laugh and that, we can all agree, is reason enough. I hope I get as big a laugh when I bring up the enrollment numbers for next year. [crickets]
Ladies, Gentleman, and other folks dispersed along the gender continuum of civilized behavior and good manners, you should be gratified to know that I promise to keep my remarks short. I know almost nothing of finance, but since ignorance of a topic has never stopped me from lecturing on it, I’ll confess that my intended brevity has more to do with wanting to get to the Knick at the start of happy hour than anything else. [Editor’s note: The “Knick” is a local bar that caters to college kids. Its ‘Happy Hour’ begins at noon, during which patrons can purchase a knockwurst and a pint of Narragansett beer for $2. This remark was met with hoots and applause from the graduates.]
My understanding is that the current economic expansion is in its late phase and the hyperventilating Trump economy is, at best, one or two years away from another recession. Given the recent deregulation, you are graduating into a financial landscape where bubbles abound and poorly understood complex financial instruments are in vogue. There has never been a better time to separate the retiring baby boomers from the cash they amassed when they “sold out” to the man. While subordinated debentures, credit default swaps, and payday lending schemes seem very 90s, so are Doritos and Adidas… and people still eat that crap up.
They say that triple entry accounting will revolutionize this century’s capitalism. I, of course, don’t understand what that means, but I’ve always kept three sets of books, so I, for one, welcome our new database overlords. I also understand that blockchains are made with hash. I like hash, both the kind you eat with eggs and the kind you smoke, and if any of you have some smoking blockchains you want to share, meet me at the Knick right after the ceremony here.
As for crypto currencies, and what kind of economic commencement address would this be if I didn’t mention crypto currencies? I am a big supporter of Devon Henry’s Brocoin® If you are interested in joining my private equity, maid’s quarter’s hedge fund that sells shares in Brocoin® options leveraged against a volatility index statistic we call “vomit”, you should meet me at the Knick right after the ceremony.
Oh, I forgot to mention management. I guess I should say something about management, since most of you are being awarded your MBAs today. Two things to keep in mind; kiss the asses of the people above you and shit on the people below you. I know that sounds like bad advice, but that’s what John Bolton has done his whole life and look at where he is now!
The second thing I’ll say is, be careful of creating #metoo moments. If you’re going to be in power, understand that absolute power corrupts absolutely, and what you think is absolutely charming is probably absolutely creepy to the groundlings. If any of you are not sure what a #metoo moment is and would like to do some “role play” exercises to better understand the dynamics of privilege and power, you should meet me at the Knick right after the ceremony.
Last, I’ll close as I always do with a a set of banal aphorisms and pieces of “advice” that I used to hope would be turned into one of those little books sold at the point of purchase in Barnes & Noble stores. I’ve updated that desire to hoping that I can turn these bullet points into a “self-help” or “life-hacking” essay on Medium that garners 10K “claps” and earns me enough money to not only pay off my bookie, and the loan sharks, but also leave me enough money to start my own micro-financing payday lending scam.
Here goes.
Gutbloom’s Financial and Management Advice for Recent Graduates
- Don’t sweat the fine print
- It’s all fine print
- There are friends, and then there are friends who have a notary public seal
- Box the 1, 2, 8 Trifecta at the dog or race track. I’m not sure why this works, but a guy from Brighton Beach told me to do it and I’ve had good luck with it.
- If you are sharing an apartment with roommates, you want your name on the lease and their names on the utilities. A good way to get their names on the utilities is to say, “I called Comcast and the number was busy” over and over again until they get fed up and call themselves.
- When you go out to eat with a lot of people and it looks like there won’t be separate checks, it’s a good idea to ask, “Does anyone want the points on their credit card?” Then pick up the check and say, “I think this is enough to get a free flight to Newark on Southwest.”
- You should invest in low fee, widely diversified, index funds. That way you’re just betting the on the U.S. economy. When that gets too boring, you should take the money out of the fund and put it all on the Patriots to win the AFC Championship game.
- A good way to pick stocks is to buy the stocks of companies you use and like, but since most pornography companies are not publicly traded, another way to pick stocks is to look in your wife’s underwear drawer and buy the stock of whoever makes the stuff that’s in there.
- If you are at the convenience store and a guy who looks like a loser buys a scratch ticket in front of you, buy five of the same tickets right after him, because what is the chance that two losers got on the same line at the exact same time?
- When you move up in management and someone on the board of directors asks you why something went wrong, remind them of the time they blacked out at the annual meeting and then say the word “piss” with the final “s” extended like… “pissssssssssss”.
- When you take your car to the mechanic, you should ask them to call you before they make any repairs. When they call you and say you need new part, ask them “is there any way you could get a used one?” When they say “no”, ask them, “Do you have any interest in buying this car?”
- You should buy life insurance. Life insurance salespeople always try to oversell you, but don’t be shy. You should have enough life insurance so that you honestly see dying as “winning” and can say, “Hah, I fucked an insurance company” with your last breath.
- A good way to finance a vacation is to use the equity in your house.
- If you watch Mad Money, listen for the times that Cramer starts to slur his words. He is often insane and totally wrong, but when he gets so into his schtick that he can’t even talk right, that’s the time to listen to him.
- Only play Megabucks when the jackpot is more than 100 million dollars. The odds are better that way.
- If any of you want to learn about naked default swaps, come join me at the Knick right after the ceremony.
[One of the Tribune’s aides placed his hand over the microphone and an animated discussion ensued, after which Gutbloom pointed to his crotch and then staggered off the stage. — eds.]
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