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Abstract

eeve and corrected him. The name of the Mushamaguntic Normal School was changed to “Union College” in 1975 — eds], I mean Union College. Never before have we sent so many fine young women and men in to the fields of Mining, Mildew Abatement, and Colonics. While your future may not be bright, we hope it will at least be lucrative.I wanted to give you some little pieces of advice. My “pearls of wisdom” if you will. I am hoping that this can be made into one of those small volumes that are sold on the counters of bookstores in between the chocolates and the teeny tiny editions of the Tao The Ching because, as we all know, I could use the money.I’m well aware that talk is cheap nowadays. I understand that you could Google “advice for graduates” and find endless YouTube videos and listicles more informative and better presented than what you see before you now, just as you could have skipped college and learned all you needed to know about mildew abatement by reading websites and books. You didn’t do that, did you? No, instead, you paid the Normal… I mean Union College so that you could walk around in sweat pants and play beer pong on the weekends. My guess is that you’ll be more than happy to keep snapping selfies and texting mean things about your parents while I deliver the rest of my what I planned to say, amirite?[The Tribune paused, and after a beat the graduates cheered. At the end of the cheering, when quiet was almost restored, a student yelled out ‘hashtag boooring’ and the crowd dissolved into laughter and talking once again.— eds]Here is my advice:If you are going to go out drinking, wear sneakers with Velcro, because the cops will t

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ake your shoe laces when they throw you in the tank.At the dog track I’ve always taken the 1,2, and 8 dogs in a boxed trifecta for the first race. I’ve never won, but if you know anything about streak theory you’ll realize that the 1,2,8 trifecta is the way to bet.A good way of starting a fight is to say, “hey, buddy, you forgot to tie your shoes” and when he looks down give him all you got.Since some of you will be living on your own for the first time, my advice is that you don’t sign the lease. Find an apartment mate and ask them to sign the lease.If you go out to a party at a restaurant with a lot of people, don’t say “you guys give me the cash and I’ll put this on my credit card.”Pay attention to the oil light in your car.TAO can be talked about, but not the Eternal Tao. Names can be named, but not the Eternal Name.If you are in a traffic jam, stay in the fast lane. Chances are it is a problem with a merge and you’ll get to drive faster. If it’s an accident, you’ll get a good view of what’s going on.If you end up living in a house you should know that there is a “reset” button on a furnace. It works like the “reboot” function on a computer. You press it and the monster might start up again. It is very different from the emergency oil shutoff, which is the red switch at the top of the cellar stairs.Since you are young, you should take off your clothes in public often. As often as possible.[At this moment his honor laughed until he became wracked by a coughing fit and had to be led from the lectern by the president of the college. — eds]</article></body>

The 2016 Commencement Address

[Here is the text of the commencement address delivered to the graduating class of Union College by his honor, Tribune Gutbloom, on May 14th, 2016. When asked, the graduates generally agreed that it seemed as though the Tribune had been drinking prior to his remarks. Descriptions of some of his actions have been added in order to preserve the memory of the day’s embarrassing events. — The Editors]

In compliance with a custom as old as the school itself, I appear before you to address you briefly and offer what little advice a man of modest intelligence might afford young people as fine as yourselves. And I do mean “fine”. Some of you are super, duper fine. Anyone who wants my opinion of just how fine they are should come up to the graduation party we’re having in City Hall after the show… I mean, “the ceremonies” and.. [one of the Tribune’s aides placed his hand over the microphone and an animated discussion ensued, after which Gutbloom made a shrugging gesture and then returned to his remarks — eds.]

Graduation speakers are like the corpse at an Irish wake, they are necessary for the party but no one expects them to say much.

[The mayor was at this moment greeted with silence — eds].

I knew it was a bad idea to steal a joke from Anthony Lake.

It is a fine day for the Mushamaguntic Normal School. [Union College president Paul Meyers pulled the mayor’s coat sleeve and corrected him. The name of the Mushamaguntic Normal School was changed to “Union College” in 1975 — eds], I mean Union College. Never before have we sent so many fine young women and men in to the fields of Mining, Mildew Abatement, and Colonics. While your future may not be bright, we hope it will at least be lucrative.

I wanted to give you some little pieces of advice. My “pearls of wisdom” if you will. I am hoping that this can be made into one of those small volumes that are sold on the counters of bookstores in between the chocolates and the teeny tiny editions of the Tao The Ching because, as we all know, I could use the money.

I’m well aware that talk is cheap nowadays. I understand that you could Google “advice for graduates” and find endless YouTube videos and listicles more informative and better presented than what you see before you now, just as you could have skipped college and learned all you needed to know about mildew abatement by reading websites and books. You didn’t do that, did you? No, instead, you paid the Normal… I mean Union College so that you could walk around in sweat pants and play beer pong on the weekends. My guess is that you’ll be more than happy to keep snapping selfies and texting mean things about your parents while I deliver the rest of my what I planned to say, amirite?

[The Tribune paused, and after a beat the graduates cheered. At the end of the cheering, when quiet was almost restored, a student yelled out ‘hashtag boooring’ and the crowd dissolved into laughter and talking once again.— eds]

Here is my advice:

If you are going to go out drinking, wear sneakers with Velcro, because the cops will take your shoe laces when they throw you in the tank.

At the dog track I’ve always taken the 1,2, and 8 dogs in a boxed trifecta for the first race. I’ve never won, but if you know anything about streak theory you’ll realize that the 1,2,8 trifecta is the way to bet.

A good way of starting a fight is to say, “hey, buddy, you forgot to tie your shoes” and when he looks down give him all you got.

Since some of you will be living on your own for the first time, my advice is that you don’t sign the lease. Find an apartment mate and ask them to sign the lease.

If you go out to a party at a restaurant with a lot of people, don’t say “you guys give me the cash and I’ll put this on my credit card.”

Pay attention to the oil light in your car.

TAO can be talked about, but not the Eternal Tao. Names can be named, but not the Eternal Name.

If you are in a traffic jam, stay in the fast lane. Chances are it is a problem with a merge and you’ll get to drive faster. If it’s an accident, you’ll get a good view of what’s going on.

If you end up living in a house you should know that there is a “reset” button on a furnace. It works like the “reboot” function on a computer. You press it and the monster might start up again. It is very different from the emergency oil shutoff, which is the red switch at the top of the cellar stairs.

Since you are young, you should take off your clothes in public often. As often as possible.

[At this moment his honor laughed until he became wracked by a coughing fit and had to be led from the lectern by the president of the college. — eds]