The 2019 NFL League Pass Rankings, Part I — The Bottom 16

Who are the least watchable teams in the NFL? We rank every team, starting with the Redskins and Giants at the bottom…

IT’S THAT TIME OF YEAR AGAIN. October is the peak of the sports calendar. Football is in full swing. The baseball playoffs just kicked off. The NBA is just around the corner, and hockey and soccer are still a thing. This is the one month of the year when every major professional American sports league is happening at once, and it’s impossible to watch all of it.

Football is still king, and the NFL gets our highest priority. Sundays are for football, and sometimes Mondays and Thursdays, too. But what happens when the Dolphins and Steelers play on Monday night at the same time as a big NBA match-up and Game 5 of the World Series? Football might be king, but we just don’t have time to watch every single game.

Enter the NFL League Pass rankings. The first few weeks of the season are for consuming every spare second of NFL goodness, but now that we’ve settled in and the sports calendar got busy, we’re going to have to be a bit more choosy.

So which NFL teams are top priority, and who isn’t worth planning your night around? Rajan Nanavati and I ranked every team’s watchability in order, then created a composite ranking to help you prioritize. The Kansas City Chiefs unsurprisingly came in at number one, but how did things fall out from there?

Time to unveil our 2019 NFL League Pass Rankings, starting at the bottom…

TIER X — EVEN THE HOMERS WON’T WATCH

32. Washington Football Men

BA

I have precious little to say about the Washington football franchise. They’re boring, pointless, and largely irrelevant. So I’ll turn it over to our resident Washington fan, who deigned to rank them #30 instead of dead last like me.

RN

How dare you refer to us as pointless and largely irrelevant… and end your list with so few derogatory adjectives. I mean, how can you leave incompetent, unintelligent, petty, and hopeless off such a list? Those feel like the lowest of low hanging fruit when it comes to this God-forsaken franchise.

Oh, and for the record: I am, and have been, a diehard fan of the Washington Redskins for literally the last three-plus decades.

BA

Which begs the question… why? What did Mark Rypien and Doug Williams do that Dan Snyder and decades of racism haven’t driven away? What keeps you rooting for the Washington No Names?

RN

I blame my mom. She sat 5-year-old me down in front of the television during the 1987 NFC Championship and taught me to root for the Redskins because they’re from my “hometown” of Washington, D.C. They won that game against the Minnesota Vikings (sorry, Brandon) and won Super Bowl XXII two weeks later thanks to Doug Williams orchestrating 35 points in the second quarter alone. And from then on, I was hooked.

Now, why I’ve endured the last 27 years of self-flagellation since Joe Gibbs retired? Chalk it up to a misplaced sense of loyalty, ever-present stubbornness, and that faint hope that Dan Snyder will sell this team and free us from his cursed ownership.

BA

Hate you forever, Darrin Nelson. That was the first of five NFC Championship appearances for the Vikings in my lifetime. Guess how many we won?

Let’s just say there’s a reason I hate the Redskins, Falcons, Giants, Saints, and Eagles. And Cowboys. And Patriots. And obviously Packers and Bears. Sigh. Thanks, Raj. We’re off to a good start.

TIER IX — THE RECENTLY FALLEN

31. New York Giants

BA

The Giants took a huge hit with the Saquon Barkley injury. The NFL will forever be a quarterbacks league, but Saquon is one of the most watchable non-QBs in the league. With Saquon and Daniel Jones, the Giants were interesting for the first time in years. Now it’s just another privileged white quarterback with no help at RB or WR, at least for another couple months.

The Giants ranked #17 on our list before the Saquon news broke. Did we penalize them too far?

RN

In a word, no. When Barkley and Eli were in the lineup, the Giants might as well have been running the wishbone. So they weren’t ever high on my intrigue list.

And as far as Danny from Duke (I refuse to use his dimes nickname), to borrow from a Hall of Fame coach who once led the Giants: let’s hold off on the anointing oil when it comes to Daniel Jones, shall we? He looked good against a Tampa D that stopped playing with 20 minutes left and a Redskins team that emphatically and hilariously demonstrates week after week they have zero clue how to play anything remotely resembling defense. So, let’s not start thinking Jones is the second coming of Peyton Manning.

BA

I can get down with Danny Dukes. I think you’re missing the boat on the imaginary Saquon Giants though. That team with Barry Sanders Jr. and The Second Coming at QB was downright interesting. I had them #13 in my rankings but I think it will be ugly without Saquon, and I don’t think we’ll learn much about Danny Dukes either.

But I guess we’ve learned one thing: Danny Dukes is a heck of a lot more ready than Dwayne Haskins right now. 24–3? To the Giants? Up next for the G-Men: my Vikings. Is Danny Dukes about to beat both our teams back to back and make us quit football for the year?

RN

Daisy Dukes — I mean Danny Dukes — doesn’t need to do much to make me want to quit football for the year. Between Jay Gruden’s efforts to submarine Haskins’s career before it even gets started, the glaring hole at tight end on my fantasy team (why did I buy the T.J. Hockensen hype?), and the worst year of Virginia Tech football in my adult life, I’m halfway there already.

TIER VIII — I MEAN, SURE, I GUESS IT’S FOOTBALL…

30. Denver Broncos 29. Miami Dolphins 28. Cincinnati Bengals 27. New York Jets 26. Tennessee Titans 25. Detroit Lions

BA

You know how every NFL team gets at least one national TV game each year? These are the teams they cram onto Thursday night. We watch because it’s football and so sure, I guess we’ll watch.

Raj, if you had to trade in your Washington rags for one of these teams, which would you pick?

RN

I’d rather abstain from football choose literally any other sport to start following, versus becoming a fan of any of these teams. Curling. Field hockey. Jai alai. Anything.

Because any of those sports sounds more entertaining than witnessing Joe Flacco join a new team only to not land passes anywhere within a 10-yard radius of his receivers again. Or watching the Dolphins field a group of players who collectively would be the 4th-best team in the SEC. Note to Matthew Berry: thanks for the hot fantasy football tip about Kalen Ballage!

And then there’s Marcus Mariota going out each Sunday looking like he completely forgot how to play the game of football. If we started a fancy cold-pressed juice bar and named all our juices after NFL quarterbacks, Mariota would be the one made from turnip juice.

BA

I was gonna say you’re being a little harsh, but it’s still September and you already couldn’t pay me to tune in to two of these teams playing on Thursday night. I finally sold my last small private investment on Mariota Island in July. Lived there a long time but sometimes you gotta cut bait. At some point it’s not the system or the coach or the injuries. He just ain’t it.

I’ll push back on the Dolphins though. I’m in on Fins games this season because they’re our one chance to watch every opponent at their 1000% best, like if you turned the game on Rookie and just let them go. Lamar Jackson video game mode? Check. How good can the Patriots defense be? Now we know. Josh Allen might hang 10 TDs on this team in two games. The Dolphins are fun because at least twice every Miami game, you have to Google some perverse record of futility. Futility is fun!

RN

But is it really fun to pick on a team that’s been outscored 81–0 in the second half this year? When does our collective sympathy mechanism kick in?

I feel bad for Dolphins like tackle Jesse Davis, linebacker Sam Eguavoen, fullback Chandler Cox, and defensive lineman Lennox McManus. They’re glorified versions of the scabs that used to play in the NFL when the actual players went on strike in the 80s. Nobody in or outside the greater Miami area has any clue who they are or where they came from. In fact, I literally made up one of those guys, and you have no idea which one. Does anyone?

BA

If I had to vote one team out of this tier, I’d go with the Bengals. The Jets will be out once Sam Darnold is back, but they’re putrid right now. But the Bengals are… kinda fun? Andy Dalton is always exactly as good as the talent and system around him, and right now the talent and system are pretty okay. Bengals vs Steelers Monday night? Sure! I’ll watch.

RN

Even though he’d have more luck gaining positive ground if he ran head first into a concrete wall, I still think the Bengals are marginally watchable because of the talents of running back Joe Mixon — reprehensible human being off the field notwithstanding.

Not even Adam Gase’s crazy eyes or breathtaking ability to find new ways to throw his players under the bus every press conference can make the Jets offense watchable — especially as Sam Darnold remains sidelined with a medical condition that usually afflicts barely-pubescent teenagers.

These teams are the litmus test for hard core football nerd-dom. Congrats if you can sit and watch these teams for any other reason besides fantasy football implications.

TIER VII — INTERESTING, BUT NOT NECESSARILY IN A GOOD WAY

24. Pittsburgh Steelers 23. Oakland Raiders 22. Tampa Bay Buccaneers 21. Carolina Panthers

RN

Wait, you’re telling me an offense WON’T get better after they rid themselves of one of the best dual-threat running backs in the NFL and one of the most productive wide receivers in history? Imagine that!

BA

Crazy, right? Turns out Mason Rudolph is not as good as Big Ben. He also made me get Christmas songs stuck in my head for three hours Monday night, so minus points for that. I know Pittsburgh still thinks they can win this year. That doesn’t mean we have to agree.

That said, the teams in this tier all feel set to move like 7 spots up or down in the next month. I’m kinda weirdly intrigued by these NFC South teams, especially in a wide-open division. What if this Bruce Arians thing is real? What if the Panthers are decent now that they got a real quarterback?

RN

I refuse to acknowledge a world where the quarterback of the Panthers doesn’t look like Little Bo Peep decided to take up freelance pimping.

As someone who’s always been an Arians supporter, it feels like he came back to coach the Bucs because they’re located in Florida, the perfect state for retirees — though I’m sure the exorbitant amount of money the Glazers paid him was certainly a factor. Why else would you want to take on the Herculean task of coaxing Jameis Winston to stop throwing interceptions?

BA

It’s hard to believe these teams all played in a Super Bowl this century the way they’re constructed right now. Pittsburgh thinks they can just substitute any old player into the black and gold without any drop-off. Tampa is fine throwing it to the other team all game. Carolina runs the wishbone. And Jon Gruden sorta speaks for himself. Which one of these teams wins a playoff game next, and how far into the future are you peering?

RN

I really, really want to say the Buccaneers. The receiver tandem of Chris Godwin and Mike Evans have been dominant. More importantly, Todd Bowles has done an excellent job with his defense, headlined by Shaq Barrett, who’s currently playing like the best pass rusher in football. My only hesitation? Asking Arians to get Jameis to stop throwing interceptions might as well be asking him to turn water into wine.

So, I’m going with the Panthers. They’ve quietly got a top-five DVOA defense, and I love the talent at the skill positions. If Kyle Allen keeps on doing his current “diet Jared Goff” impression, that just might be good enough to sneak out an NFC South title in a division in flux.

BA

Diet Jared Goff? Woof. If Jared Goff is Crystal Pepsi, does that make Allen Tab?

TIER VI — GOOD FOOTBALL ISN’T NECESSARILY INTERESTING

20. Chicago Bears 19. Seattle Seahawks 18. Buffalo Bills 17. Atlanta Falcons

BA

The Falcons don’t really belong, but for the other three, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It’s all defense and just enough offense from an outdated system. That may be a winning regular season formula, but that doesn’t mean I have to like it. Be honest — do you actually like watching good, fundamental defense?

RN

It depends on who is playing said good, fundamental defense. I do enjoy the Bears and Bills. Buffalo has the most under-the-radar fun NFL defense, with young blue chippers like Tre’Davious White, Tremaine Edmunds, and Ed Oliver. And the guys on the Bears? They need no introduction.

BA

I have little interest in watching the Bills. I watch plenty of college football already on Saturdays, and my roommate has all the old Tebow film I need. I’ve seen this movie before. Prove me wrong, Josh Allen. And by prove me wrong, I mean more than just beating bad Jets, Giants, and Bengals teams.

I’d rather watch the Falcons. Their games are almost always close, and Julio Jones is still among the 10 or so most dominant receivers I’ve ever seen. I’ll always prefer good offense to defense when it comes down to it, especially with competent NFL quarterback play.

RN

You’re far more bullish on the Falcons than I am. Bringin back Dirk Koetter feels like advice you’d get from the “How to ensure your NFL team remains 7–9 every year,” written by Jeff Fisher (with a forward by Mike Mularkey).

You’ll notice I left Seattle off said “entertaining defenses” list. They’ve got Bobby Wagner and… a bunch of guys. The only noteworthy thing about the Seahawks is the fact that they’ve saddled Russell Wilson with an offensive coordinator who’s leading an outright assault on the idea of “new and innovative offensive schemes” in Brian Schottenheimer.

BA

It physically pains me how Seattle’s wasted the best years of Wilson’s career. There’s no player in the NFL I’d rather have with four minutes left in a close game, when the script is out the window and you just need a guy to improvise and make plays. But you’ll notice I said four minutes, not two, cuz you still have to account for five runs straight up the gut. Schotty, Darrell Bevell, it’s all bad. Wilson will win an MVP if he ever plays in a real system.

Speaking of MVPs, they ain’t gonna come from these bottom 16 teams. So let’s hit publish on these League Pass bottom feeders, and come back next week for the 16 most watchable teams in the league… ■

Follow Brandon on Medium or @wheatonbrando for more sports, television, humor, and culture. Visit the rest of Brandon’s writing archives here.

Rajan Nanavati is the editor of HailToTheDistrict.com. You can follow Rajan on Twitter, find the HailToTheDistrict Podcast here, or view his writing archives here.