12 Powerful Ways to Love Yourself After Narcissistic Abuse

Move from surviving to thriving with expert advice.

Growing up in a narcissistic family, I felt something must be wrong with me for most of my life. One year after discovering I was a victim of narcissistic abuse, I’ve poured thousands of hours into recovery. I’ve taken space from toxic people and sorted through my mental and emotional attachments.

But now I’m face-to-face with my inner love void, like there’s a canyon of emptiness between where I am now and the future me, flourishing.

When narcissists repeatedly invalidate us, we start believing all the good stuff lives in other people. Studying codependency, I realized: I’ve settled for relationships that drain me, just because I’m afraid of being alone.

We can’t have healthy interdependence until we embrace the loneliness and reconnect to self-love.

Remember, anyone strong enough to identify and walk away from narcissistic abuse has unique superpowers. We are more than capable of thriving in life, and in loving relationships.

Moving from a “survivor” to a “thriver” stage of recovery may take years, but we can relax into the process. When we own our inherent goodness and solve our own problems, we stop falling for narcissists’ flattery and start living our dreams.

Through research, experimentation, and expert support*, I’ve synthesized 12 powerful (and novel) ways to love yourself after narcissistic abuse.

1. Love bomb and idealize yourself.

When I dated a narcissist, I broke up with him seven times before leaving for good. I thought he was my soul mate. He used detailed attention, thrilling sex, constant praise, acknowledging my intelligence and beauty, and other romantic gestures to get me hooked.

“We can become biochemically addicted to the highs and lows of dangerous romantic relationships in a way that makes a break-up from a toxic person similar to rehab from a destructive drug addiction,” writes Arabi.

In “Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare,” Arabi describes using love-bombing and idealization on ourselves to nurture our self-worth.

Imagine all the unforgettable dates, flattery, exciting surprises, and thoughtful gestures narcissists use; now find ways to treat yourself. Our brains especially love “intermittent reinforcement,” so embrace spontaneity.

2. Triangulate your story.

Emotional abuse feels foggy. Did it even happen? Am I over-reacting? I have to recall specific memories along with the pain to validate the abuse. But as I own my story through writing, therapy, and support groups, it’s easier to process my experiences.

Arabi suggests using triangulation, one of the narcissists’ tools, to validate your truth and create support for your new self. Connecting with other abuse survivors feels especially validating.

By creating community around our recovery, we move through self-doubt more easily. We can share our truth with people who are on our side and encourage us.

“When we deny our stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending,” writes Brene Brown, researcher and bestselling author.

3. Trust the pendulum swing.

My recovery journal has often felt like an emotional roller coaster, on top of the world one day and crawling through hell the next. During a notable low point, I binge-watched five seasons of a depressing TV series and repeatedly splurged on ice cream. I felt embarrassed. I thought I healed already!

“Narcissistic abuse is cyclical. We experience trauma bonds because of the pattern or manipulation tactics the abuser employs to hurt and control us. Once you leave that structure, a series of ups and downs follow. Know that when you are down, you are growing. You are discovering who you are outside of the cycle of abuse,” writes Karen M. Yearwood, bestselling author and professional hypnotist.

Yearwood calls this process: “the undoing of the nature of your life,” a sign you’re recovering. Have faith that you’ll find the balance you need.

4. Take space to mourn.

When we realize someone close to us is narcissistic, it’s like that person died. It was always a one-sided relationship. They’ll never be the brother, sister, father, mother, partner, boss, or friend we needed. We’ve suffered a huge loss.

“Natural emotions like anger have to be honored and processed when it comes to trauma. These natural emotions are meant to be fully experienced for healing to occur,” writes Arabi.

I’ve started giving myself time to process, listen to mood music as I walk, wear red-tinted glasses, revisit painful memories to reparent myself, or use somatic processing tools. After decades of smiling when I felt like crying or yelling, it feels liberating to own it.

Instead of forcing myself to “get over it” as fast as possible, I’m letting myself be curious and gentle with the process.

Remember, we get to be picky about how we spend our time and who we give our energy to.

5. Get your emotions out.

My abuse survivor life coach encourages creative expression regularly: get it on paper, into a picture, music, or dancing. When I get emotions out of my head and into something physical, I am more objective about what to do next.

“If you don’t deal with your demons, they go into the cellar of your soul and lift weights,” said Amanda Palmer, bestselling author.

Even a journaling activity expresses self-love and helps us process. We are letting ourselves take up space while honoring thoughts, feelings, and ideas.

6. Strengthen your intuition.

About two months ago, I noticed something off with a man I started to date. He seemed thoughtful, talented, and charmingly dorky, but when I felt myself having strong reactions early on, I got curious. If I had relied solely on a textbook checklist, I wouldn’t have seen his narcissistic traits so quickly.

Instead of disregarding my inner voice, I took space, spent time with my feelings, messaged my life coach, and did more research before ending the relationship.

Our gut instincts are the one thing that will consistently alert us when something doesn’t feel right, even when no one else sees it. This insight stood out as I read “The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist” by Mirza.

Find what helps you feel grounded in your intuition and do it.

7. Journal daily

Every morning I fill three journal pages, noting what I’m feeling, thinking, visions, struggles, etc. I use the “morning pages” approach Julia Cameron describes in “The Artist’s Way.”

Others have commented that I seem especially clear about what I want, and they’re impressed by how much I trust myself in uncertain situations.

“You’re becoming acquainted with all the dark corners of your psyche. You are meeting your shadow and taking it out for a cup of coffee. When you put the negativity on the page, it isn’t running through your consciousness during the day,” says Cameron.

Research shows when we document factual and emotional experiences, we increase our awareness and cognitive processing. This practice directly combats gaslighting.

8. Surrender to a higher power

Charles Duhigg, an award-winning author, describes how people in alcoholics anonymous who believe in a higher power are more likely to stick with new behaviors through stressful times.

Though I wasn’t spiritual when I read the “Power of Habit” book, I decided to give it a try; I was still dating my narcissistic partner at the time and trying to leave (for good).

Through prayer, faith, and surrender, I developed the courage to leave him. Since then, I moved to California, transitioned to a new career, dated a nurturing partner, and discovered narcissism through shadow work and my talented therapist.

By nourishing our spirituality, we learn to love ourselves more.

9. Clarify your self-image.

Despite many notable accomplishments in adulthood, the decades of criticism and neglect made me feel small. I’ve often craved more appreciation, then struggled to accept the compliments I received. They don’t really know me. It wasn’t a big deal.

“Start recalling the compliments others have given you, and instead of dismissing them, begin to integrate them into your own self-perception. Start to celebrate your accomplishments instead of minimizing them,” writes Arabi.

We are stronger than we realize. Our incredible assets attracted narcissists in the first place; they choose people they perceive to be better than them.

Take time to acknowledge the goodness within you. We deserve recognition.

10. Pursue authentic dreams.

I am a highly creative person, but growing up, I felt pressured to pursue more noteworthy accomplishments, i.e., academic honors, impressive career, successful partners. Now, I use my creativity with writing and music-making.

Narcissistic parents typically set unrealistic expectations, ones they can show off to their friends.

“You were rarely celebrated for who you truly were and what you could accomplish; instead, you were forced to meet impossible, arbitrary, and ever-shifting goal posts that instilled in you a pervasive sense of worthlessness,” writes Arabi.

Get clear about which dreams are yours and which ones came from a need to please narcissists. Find a way to pursue your authentic desires, even if it’s on the side.

11. Cultivate self-compassion with mindfulness.

Deepening my mindfulness practice has been critical to recovery. By slowing down, I notice my thoughts and emotions clearly. I recognize when I get into victim mode, self-judgment, or obsessing about others. This clarity makes it easier to interrupt unhelpful patterns with self-compassion.

Self-compassion seems so simple and powerful, yet it often feels like the hardest thing to do.

“If you really want to motivate yourself, love is more powerful than fear,” says Dr. Kristen Neff, self-compassion researcher.

Whether it’s a meditation you like, book, podcast, exercises, hypnosis, or bodywork, find what helps you access compassion and keep exploring it.

12. Become a self-care warrior.

Despite having empathy and compassion towards others, I still feel guilty sometimes when I spend time and money on myself. But pouring into workouts, prayer, healthy foods, and adventures nurtures me.

Reading abuse recovery literature, I find this suggestion constantly. Consistently pouring into self-care is one of the best ways to love yourself.

Try numerous self-care and healing methods to find what works for you. Explore mixing and matching things like yoga, affirmations, running, empowering music, prayer, candles, incense, meditation, massage, etc.

We get to be selfish. Self-care is how we take our power back.

Sometimes the journey to self-love, self-trust, and self-worth feels elusive. Like we’re almost there but so far away.

As I’m writing this, I struggle with self-judgment. My inner critic has moving goalposts, conflicting expectations, and zeroes in on my “negative” qualities. Sound familiar?

Abuse survivors typically have high self-judgment, toxic shame, and self-blame; these are trauma symptoms. Remembering it wasn’t my fault helps a lot. I take deep breaths and look for the opportunity in my pain.

Building self-esteem and self-love from the ground up makes me powerful. Through dark canyons of emptiness, I get to experience the subtle beauty of self-knowing.

“There will never come a time that you simply forget what happened to you, nor will you stop feeling anything at all about it. But there will come a time once your wounds have been tended to with your loving care that only a scar will remain to remind you of where you’ve been and what you’ve learned,” writes Suzana Quintana, an abuse survivor and recovery coach.

As I recognize my assets and make myself a priority, I experience greater freedom. Strong people with good boundaries repel narcissists; it’s working. In the words of Mirza:

• What would it feel like to know you are truly good at what you do?
• How would it feel to know that you will always have more than enough money?
• What would it be like to believe that you can handle anything that comes your way?

Each step brings us closer to transformation. As we heal ourselves, we heal the world—what a beautiful love story!

*Abuse experts and psychologists like Shahida Arabi, Melody Beattie, Thomas Moore, Eleanor Payson, Debbie Mirza, Lara Novack, and my Jungian therapist helped inform this article.

I write inspiring, uplifting, and empowering content on transformative topics. Join the Weekly Love News on my website to receive creative offerings each week (Tuesdays) in your email inbox.