5 Ways to Turn Your Open Wounds into Scars After a Narcissist Broke Your Heart

Emerge from the cocoon you’ve been healing within.

“Why can’t you just move on?”

Every victim of a narcissist has heard this question at least once and sunk further into a pit of despair when they realize that it’s just not that easy.

There is no switch to turn off so that we no longer feel anything toward the one who hurt us. And let’s be clear, there is no other outcome but pain when involved with a narcissist, who are self-serving emotional vampires lacking empathy and remorse and who suck the very life out of their victims to the point of trying to make them disappear altogether.

Because of this, feelings that are common among survivors include:

I don’t recognize the person in the mirror.

I don’t know who I am anymore.

I used to be so strong, so on top of things, so fun, so happy, so this, so that, but now…

I feel like I’m living in a fog.

Maybe I am crazy.

These feelings are all a result of the tactics that narcissists use to abuse such as gaslighting, hoovering, love-bombing, and intermittent reinforcement, which condition the victim to expect less and less over time while begging for more. Narcissistic abuse fosters unhealthy attachments between abuser and victim that resembles a drug addiction. Once we’re out of the relationship, we can’t help but still be addicted. We become emotionally bonded to our abuser through the trauma they inflicted upon us.

This is precisely why the healing process after narcissistic abuse is not an easy one. I compare it to being on a rollercoaster…in a washing machine. Some days you’re up and on top of the curve, feeling strong and hopeful as you make your way forward and away from the pain, while some days the rug is pulled out from under you and you find yourself flat on your ass wondering if you’ll ever have the strength to get up again.

This is why so many are unable to see the healing journey all the way through to the other side, where the light is, and end up either going back to the one who hurt them or getting into similar relationships in the future.

One of the reasons that recovery is so difficult after a breakup with a narcissist is because the relationship itself was built on a foundation of abuse right from the beginning unbeknownst to the victim, who is wholly unaware there is a game being played with her (or him) as the projected loser.

When we fall in love with a narcissist, we are like frogs in a pot of cool water, enjoying our natural environment and oblivious to the fact that the pot is sitting on a stove set to Boil. By the time the water heats up to a temperature we cannot bear, it’s too late. And if we do manage to pull ourselves out, a good amount of damage has already been done.

But there are ways to ensure your healing journey is successful and that you arrive at the other side where emotional freedom is waiting.

Think of your pain like a wound. In the beginning, when you’re still recovering from the fact that someone you loved, invested in, possibly married and had children with, is not who they pretended to be, this wound is open and exposed. Perhaps you’ve just learned what a narcissist is and your ex checks all the right boxes. Maybe you’ve been cheated on, lied to, humiliated, insulted, disrespected, or all of the above. You’re exhausted, depleted of strength, and heartbroken.

These are the fresh and tender wounds you must nurse back to health.

As your healing journey progresses and time passes, those wounds that pulse with pain begin to scab over. This is the point in the healing process that requires you to be extra attentive as scabs can be easily picked off if you’re not careful. This is the hard work required. This is the time for going through instead of trying to skirt around or avoid the pain.

The ultimate goal is to turn those scabs into scars. Here’s how to reach that goal:

1. Keep those tires rolling forward.

Think of your healing journey like a road trip. You’re starting at Point A and you want to make it to Point Z. Although the trip is not a straight line by any means, as long as you keep moving forward, even if it’s at a snail’s pace, then that means you’re not staying idle or going back. Though you will be tempted to put that car in Reverse on more than one occasion, remind yourself that you can’t get there if you’re staying here.

2. Do not date.

This is an unpopular piece of advice for many, but it’s also the most important. If you are hurting because a narcissist broke your heart, if you are still figuring out what exactly happened to you (such as realizing you were a victim of any kind of abuse), and if you are in any way still emotionally attached to your ex, you are simply in too tender of a state to make healthy decisions regarding other potential relationships. The fact is, no one else is going to come in and make you forget your pain. Sure, you may be distracted for a while, but all you’re really doing is continuing to pick at a scab that will never heal unless you protect it from the risk of it being ripped open again.

3. Listen to your first voice.

When you’re recovering after a narcissist, you have a lot of voices in your head that you think are your own. These are the voices that tell you you’re crazy, that there’s something wrong with you, that make you doubt yourself and make poor decisions that don’t serve you. But we all have that “first voice” that speaks to us, even if it’s only for a brief second. You can call this your intuition, gut instinct, inner knowing, or even God if that’s your vibe — this is the voice that will lead you to the light. All voices following the first are from someone else still taking up residence in your head. These voices will throw you off course and mess with your already tender wounds. For example, that first voice may tell you: Something’s not right here and I need to be careful. While the second voice will chide you for being so emotional and sensitive and make you question yourself at every turn. The first voice is yours. It is your guiding light; it is your protector and your warning system and the intuitive reasoning that will keep you safe and keep you moving forward. All you need to do is listen and trust it.

4. Do the math.

Looking back on the pain of your past and figuring out how you got here is not the most fun you’ll ever have. Yet if you don’t figure out what brought you to this point, then you can’t ensure you’ll never be here again. In order to fully heal after any kind of abusive relationship, but specifically with a narcissist, it’s crucial to look at the past and connect the dots. We must do the math to see how things added up. We know that two plus two equals four, so there is an equally understandable equation for how we end up in relationships that hurt us and why we stay in them.

When I looked back at my past and my childhood with an emotionally abusive father who cemented my lack of worth at every turn, it made complete sense why I then dove straight into abusive marriages that would last nearly three decades. Adding this up was important because if I could name the problem, then I could fix the problem. All of this self-reflection must be done without judgment, however, and without shaming or blaming yourself for the choices you made in the past. You didn’t know to look at the math back then. But you know now. Now you have all the right answers.

5. Forgive yourself.

This is by far the hardest part of the healing process. Notice I didn’t just say “forgive,” which insinuates that you need to offer forgiveness to everyone, including your abuser. Because fuck that. You have no obligation to forgive anyone except yourself, especially when you may still be a target of your ex and they may still be hurting you. Forgiveness is a gift and it is yours to give to whomever you see worthy to receive it. If it traumatizes you to even think about having to forgive the one who hurt you, then don’t do it. Keep that gift for yourself. What do you need to forgive yourself for? You can find those answers by asking, What are you still angry at yourself for? Are you mad because you put up with the abuse? Do you feel pathetic, weak, or stupid that you stayed for so long? (you are not pathetic, weak, or stupid by any means, but we can’t help but feel that way when we first look back on the past) Are you disappointed that you didn’t stand up for yourself? Or angry because you should have left sooner? These are all the things you need to forgive yourself for. Love yourself through this. Be your own beloved. Look in the mirror and tell yourself, “I forgive you. I love you. You are free.”

Turning your open wounds into scars is a process that demands the greatest of care and attention. It requires you to expose your pain to the light, pushing out the darkness of your past. It requires you to expose your pain to air, giving yourself the room to breathe as you make your way forward. And it requires you to expose your pain to love, holding yourself tight and offering compassion, empathy, and forgiveness to the one in the mirror.

There will never come a time that you simply forget what happened to you, nor will you stop feeling anything at all about it. But there will come a time once your wounds have been tended to with your loving care that only a scar will remain to remind you of where you’ve been and what you’ve learned.

That scar may be tender to the touch for a while. You may forget about it for long periods of time and then something will jog a memory that will remind you that you have a scar. Even then, however, you won’t be pulled back into the past or risk being affected for more than a moment when remembering how you got that scar and who put it there.

This is what emotional freedom looks like.

This is when the darkness has been completely pushed out by the light. This is when you emerge from the cocoon you’ve been healing within and take flight into the beauty of your new life.

This is when, in love, you will rise.

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Want to get expert help, tips, and strategies on recovering and healing after narcissistic abuse? Then join the thousands who have signed up for what’s basically free coaching in your inbox and receive your Real Love Does Not Abuse poster to remind you of what you truly deserve in a relationship. Plus I’ll tell you how to snag a free copy of my bestselling book, “You’re Still That Girl: Get Over Your Abusive Ex for Good!” www.suzannaquintana.com