Do You Need to Forgive Your Abuser to Heal?

Short answer: Oh hell no

Can we just get something out of the way right from the start?

Stop telling victims of abuse that they need to forgive their abusers!

Whew. That felt good. I don’t use exclamation points often, but nothing else will do when speaking about a subject that has re-victimized and re-traumatized so many who have already suffered enough.

I want to clarify that I’m not going to the other extreme and saying that forgiveness can’t include the one who hurt you. But your healing and eventual emotional freedom are NOT dependent on it no matter what any other well-intentioned, possibly self-righteous and know-it-all busybody may tell you.

Okay, now I’ll exhale.

The fact is, I can’t help but end with those exclamation points, use all caps, and drop f-bombs where necessary (wait for it) when continually witnessing the damage caused when a victim of abuse is told that their freedom is dependent on forgiving their abuser.

Because this is fucking bullshit.

We’ve all heard it a million times: Forgiving the one who brought you harm will set you free. Forgiveness will prevent you from being bitter or resentful. You cannot fully heal without forgiving your abuser.

I respectfully disagree. And while we’re at it, who exactly owns the right to define forgiveness for others? Is there some higher forgiveness counsel I’m unaware of that encourages their holier-than-thou minions to go around policing others and telling them how to forgive?

So many of the people I coach, along with hundreds of others who’ve reached out to me over the years, have all watched their journey of healing come to a screeching halt when they even think about having to forgive someone who has hurt them or may still be hurting them.

Someone in an abusive relationship has already been conditioned to absorb all the guilt and shame for what’s happening to them (especially with a narcissist). They’ve been gaslighted, manipulated, smeared, deceived, and possibly physically abused — after which society tells them that their first order of business on their healing journey is to extend forgiveness to the one who has actively hurt them on purpose.

Allow me to interject some inconvenient truths here by pointing out:

This backward system of forgiveness only protects abusers who are very often remorseless and unapologetic for their dirty deeds.

Narcissists, for example, are notorious for continuing their abuse long after a victim has escaped, such as stalking their ex, launching smear campaigns, and using any children they share as tools to further punish and torment.

And we’re supposed to forgive these nasty little fuckers?

The problem is that we’ve narrowed down the definition of forgiveness to such a point where there is no wiggle room. Thus, when a person is unable to “forgive” according to these rules, there is a further burden of failure, guilt, and self-blame that an abuse victim carries.

In addition, all the responsibility is placed on the victim of the abuse instead of the abuser themselves. We are told to focus on forgiving our abuser because otherwise, we will end up bitter and resentful, and ultimately still a prisoner to the past.

Make no mistake about it, folks. This is gaslighting at its finest. And the last thing a person on the healing journey after abuse needs is additional abuse.

When I first began my own recovery after escaping a diagnosed narcissist, I started researching methods on how to heal after narcissistic abuse. And what did I read about first, over and over again?

Forgiveness.

But not just forgiveness in general. This forgiveness was focused on forgiving my ex for all he had done and was very much still doing (cyberstalking me, having me followed, hacking into my entire online existence, and using our kids as pawns to cause me additional pain).

Let me be clear: I have no problem forgiving someone when they make a mistake or own up to their misdeed and accept responsibility for it, or even if they sincerely know not what they do.

In that scenario, I’ve got forgiveness for days to offer.

But how was I supposed to forgive someone who was knowingly and purposely inflicting pain?

This attempt of mine to forgive my ex only further traumatized me because I felt as though he was once again getting away with his crimes while I had to suck it up and “let it go.”

I spent so much time concentrating on him that I left nothing for myself. Then, of course, the guilt set in and I went back to that narrative playing in my head that told me I was a pretty pathetic human because of this one major flaw: I could not, would not forgive the man who abused me and my children.

It wasn’t until I discovered the true meaning of forgiveness that I would be set free. And the gesture had absolutely nothing to do with my ex and everything to do with me.

Because our healing is dependent only on forgiving ourselves

I had to forgive myself for all the crimes I believed were my doing but actually were never mine in the first place. I had carried so much shame for being a victim of abuse that I couldn’t see where the true shame belonged. I was mad at myself for putting up with it, for staying too long, for being weak, and for being a doormat for him to walk all over. When he hurt our children on purpose with the goal to hurt me, I hated myself for making such a bad decision in men — and subsequently hated myself even more because I wouldn’t have changed my choice since my children were a product of it.

You want to talk about bitterness and resentment and not being free if you don’t forgive?

All totally true…if you don’t forgive yourself.

Forgiveness is the solitary act of looking in the mirror and letting yourself off the hook.

In order to fully move on and heal after an abusive relationship, you must forgive yourself for everything you believed you did wrong. Let that judgment go. Stop beating yourself up when you’re already down after being beaten (emotionally and/or physically) by someone else.

This is how true emotional freedom is found.

Now, circling around to my original point and how the definition of forgiveness must remain in the hands of the one doing the forgiving (and only that person, so anyone else needs to zip it, live and let live), there are possible scenarios for an abuse victim to forgive their abuser.

For some people, extending forgiveness to their abuser is a product of their faith or their belief system. And it actually does release them from any attachment so they are free to move on from their pain. To those people I say, do what you need to do in order to get to where you need to go.

Go with God if that’s what feels genuine and good.

No one else has a right to tell you how to get there and how to achieve emotional freedom. So if extending forgiveness to the one who harmed you is what will set you free, then, by all means, have at it.

What will serve everyone best is to understand that each has their own definition of forgiveness. It’s not my place to tell someone else what that is. Nor is it someone else’s place to tell me what it means.

Forgiveness is what you make of it and what serves you.

It is a gift. It is your gift to give.

I have chosen to not extend that gift to my ex or my father (who was and is equally abusive and does so knowingly). I chose not to forgive — by my definition — because it was causing me additional pain to do so.

But I have forgiven myself.

And for that, I now live a life where I am emotionally free from what happened in the past. Because I forgave myself, I harbor no bitterness or resentment. I carry no load on my shoulders or my back. I am not laden with guilt or heavy with regret. I have no hate. I am filled with love.

I am, in every sense of the word, free.

Those who believe they own the definition of forgiveness have certainly tried to sway me of my resolve. I’ve been told in all sorts of ways that I’m wrong for not forgiving my abusers. They say harm will eventually come my way and that I’ll never truly be able to “let go and move on” — words that again mean different things to different people.

For me, forgiving my abusers means giving them a pass. Even if they don’t collect $200, they’re still allowed to pass GO. It means not holding them responsible. Enabling them to stay the same. Keeping them comfortable. It means I choose their welfare and well-being over my own.

This is my translation. Therefore, it is my truth.

Because of the gift of forgiveness that I gave myself, I’ve subsequently released any form of attachment to doing things another way on my healing journey. This is what worked. This is what got me from the depths of my misery to the place I claim in the light today. I can be whole again. I can, on my own terms, move forward and release any and all burdens of hate, anger, cynicism, or bitterness. I am detached from my past experience, untethered to any connections.

Forgiveness is such a powerful savior for those who claim it for themselves. Otherwise, if stolen by others who warp its meaning, it can be a vicious jailer that dangles the key to your freedom in front of you while you beg for release.

Take back your power

If you want to fully heal and feel like the missing piece is tied up in what forgiveness really means, take your power back by defining it yourself. If that means forgiving your abuser in terms you construct, then have at it and taste the freedom that will come your way.

However, if forgiving your abuser is what’s holding you back and bringing you further shame and pain, then consider this your permission slip to keep that beautiful gift all to yourself. And to hell with anyone who tries to tell you differently.

Either way, wrap it up with a big red bow and present it to whom you need to, even if the only one receiving it is in the mirror.

Then and only then will you finally be free.

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