Dance Like A Butterfly, Sting Like A Bee
10 Ways To Avoid Getting A Boost
Ducking and dodging your way to anonymity
As your craft and productivity levels begin to improve, your chances of getting boosted start to increase. So the theory goes.
If you don’t like the lime light, and you joined Medium for its profound and brutal gift of anonymity, look no further than these tips below I am about to share to show you how to remain invisible.
I speak from experience, as I have still managed to evade getting boosted, despite one of my recent pieces getting a little too much attention.
Fortunately, the thousand odd reads it racked up were anonymous, unpaid, non-member internal reads, and so definitely not a product of being boosted.
How do I manage to persistently win the bad luck lottery of never, ever getting boosted, you might ask?
I am about to tell you.
- Season your piece with sarcasm. Nothing scares the algorithm away quite like irony or sarcasm. I mean, when was the last time you read a self-help writer who had a sense of humor? I rest my case.
- Write about failure. The algorithm stays away from failure like a toxic investment. Are you trying to make the algorithm panic? Then keep writing about failure.
- Write a descending listicle about depression. The algorithm is programmed to only recognize ascending listicles about happiness and victory. Think Hollywood and happy endings. If you want to avoid getting boosted, then write the opposite.
- Tag other completely off the wall writers who you know damn well have no chance in hell of ever getting boosted. I’m thinking of writers like Victor Cardenas, Ann James, Captain Obvious, Grimsby Hackney, Patrick Eades, Krystal, Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier), Brian Lageose, and Smillew Rahcuef. These are the kind of writers that write such baffling incomprehensible material, they only manage to make the algorithm overheat with anger and irritation.
- Offend the ego of any writer you suspect might be among Coach Tony’s hand-selected secret 12 editors. Editors who carry unfair, disproportionate, and arbitrary power prefer to have their egos stroked and massaged. Offend them instead. Simple.
- Write a piece so damn good that it will make Coach Tony’s 12 secret editors both embarrassed and jealous. Editors don’t like writers who are better than them. How dare you make them feel like they don’t deserve their job. To get even, they will make sure you are never boosted. It’s a win-win.
- Instead of using tags like ‘life lessons,’ ‘writing advice,’ ‘this happened to me,’ and ‘master of the universe,’ try using tags like ‘failure,’ ‘death,’ ‘humiliation,’ ‘anonymity,’ and ‘smillew is invisible.’ You will virtually be ignored by both the algorithm and the 12 sublime editors.
- Write about how little money you are making on Medium. When was the last time you saw a story titled ‘I Just Made The 12 Dollar Per Month Superstar Club And So Can You’ that was top trending on Medium? Honesty on Medium is treated the same way as irony and sarcasm are treated — like garbage.
- If you do all of the above and still manage to get boosted, make a direct complaint to the CEO demanding you want to know which secret, sublime, powerful editor you managed to inadvertently kiss the ass of. This will at least ensure it will never happen again.
- Write a romantic piece titled, ‘5 Ways To Make A Grand Exit From Medium’. At a time when Medium is on a desperate campaign to retain membership, this story will be sure to be swept under the rug.
© Carlo Zeno 2023
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Thank you to Smillew Rahcuef and The Pub. For two more pieces that are in no danger of being boosted, check out the below 👇
