When the drugs don’t work
10 Calming Concoctions for Medium Madness
Keep your farm well calmed
Warning: The following story contains a GIF with flashing lighting that may affect those who are susceptible to photosensitive epilepsy or have other photosensitivities.
My friend Carlo Zeno is an angry man.
A brilliant one too. But he does get angry.
He flies off the handle so often his partner has banned him from using a frying pan.
Every time he sees a Boost chocolate bar he smashes it against his forehead, takes a selfie, and sends it directly to coach Tony, captioned ‘I’m still f*@#ing waiting!!!’
Most of his rage is justified. Medium’s algo is an antagonising arsehole.
I do worry about his blood pressure though, especially now he has cracked the 40 club.
That’s why I’ve dusted off my copy of MIMS (Monthly index of medical specialties), the LSD edition, and prescribed 10 sedatives that may help.
1. Limit stats checking to once every ten minutes
Frequent stats checking is a known hypertensive. In the good old days, we had to rely on pigeons for correspondence and notifications. This limited the anxiety cycle of constant checking, and the only ones dying of heart attacks were the overworked birds.
2. Reinforce your computer screen with double glazed glass
The average writer on Medium punches their computer screen 5.4 times a week. Having the extra protection means you can punch with impunity when the best article you ever wrote received 57 claps and a thumbs up emoji in the comments.
3. Wear boxing gloves while using your computer
Just because you’ve protected your screen does not mean you’ve protected your health. Keep those typing hands free from broken knuckles and abrasions with a sturdy pair of gloves.
4. Invest in a decent voice-to-text app
Unless you want all your articles to read;
Ejdjfhej djshsbs. -#7 end $($(_+jdjrj d no jk fuckingboostmealreadyyouarsehole djdjdjd
(Which may be an improvement.)
Boxing gloves are great for your health, but not your typing accuracy. It’s more fun to swear out loud anyway.
5. Buy throat lozenges when on special
Yelling ‘Give me a fucking boost or I’ll start writing self-help you uncaring overlord’ 187 times a day is great for the soul, but not so for the vocal cords.
Unless you want your next article to read:
{Inaudible whisper}
(Again, could be an improvement for some.)
6. Take a little break
You deserve it. Listen to some relaxing music and report back in a month. Or find greener pastures…
7. Start your own rival reading platform/Ponzi scheme called ‘Average’
Call yourself Coach Carlo© and write about it on Medium constantly. Tag all articles as ‘This happened to me,’ and ‘Follow4Follow.’
8. Within your new reading platform, create a spinoff platform for shorter pieces based off an extinct animal
Recent research has suggested the average attention span of an internet reader is now only 0.14 microseconds.
Instead of writing interesting, thoughtful content that may boost that dwindling attention span, concentrate on clickbait titles and strobe-like images.
Come up with a viral marketing slogan for your new platform.
May I suggest, Do do the Dodo?
9. Use the earnings from your highly successful new platform to buy Twitter, Facebook and the planet Mars.
Burn them all.
10. If all else fails to quell the red mist: Create a new account under your Grandma’s name and sign up under your own referral link. Your stats page will love you, and you’ll always have at least one fan.
For more of Carlo’s quest to take over the medium-verse, try these:
