Denial On Steroids
10 Sedatives For Medium Rage
Repeat after me
- Tell yourself that your earnings are not so bad and that you could be making even less money per month writing for Medium than you already are. Try to encourage your pissed off inner child that you could be making $11 dollars per month instead of $17.70. If your inner child responds by choking on your coffee, pretend you didn’t notice and take another sip. Maybe then start humming.
- Tell yourself those 1,000 claps on your latest story are a standing ovation of 1,000 fans giving you a round of applause. Instead of a paltry 20 fans clapping 50 times each, sweet talk your inner child into thinking you have captivated and floored 1,000 fans with your masterstroke. If your inner child isn’t buying it, double down and start shouting out loud, ONE THOUSAND FUCKING FANS! UNBELIEVABLE! WOW! Then start clapping your hands, whistling out loud, and dancing. If you are in public and people start staring at you, give them your best what the fuck are you looking at glare, until they look away. Then continue to shout and celebrate.
- Tell yourself that the very definition of success is when 0.02% of your followers notice and clap on your story. When 20 out of your 1,000 followers (that is, 1/50, otherwise spelled ONE FIFTIETH, or 0.02%) clap on your story, then gaslight your gullible inner child by saying you are killing it, champion. If that doesn’t make you feel even an ounce better, remind yourself that you write poetry and satire for adults, not click-baity children’s stories like that conniving millionaire, JK Rowling.
- Treat yourself to the cheapest bottle of red wine on the rack when you realize the gross amount on your Medium Tax Statement is so miniscule that you virtually owe no tax. When you make no money, you will owe no tax at the end of the year. TOUCHDOWN!
- When your partner asks exactly how your monthly Medium earnings of $27.17 are going to contribute to paying the bills, put on the baroque master Alessandro Marcello’s Oboe Concerto, Adagio in D Minor, and dream meaningfully out the window looking at the night sky. This strategy will help you tune out the negativity and inspire you to write yet another Medium poem that will pull in another $1.29.
- Tell yourself and your partner that Medium has just announced a new boosting policy where the best talent will be scouted out by a small handful of secret editors that only the CEO knows about. Get your hopes up. I mean, let them go really wild. Tell your skeptical partner that this could potentially mean instant fame and cash, and that it is only a matter of time that your irresistible genius will be discovered and spread en masse.
- Tell yourself Dostoyevski was also unknown once — until he wasn’t. Just sit back and let that sink in until you are about as high as a distant floating cloud.
- Tell yourself your stats are doubling every week. They’re not, but it sounds nice. Who says you shouldn’t lie to your inner child? Think of it as one of Plato’s “noble lies.” It will make you more heroic than your dreamiest Don Quixote. You will feel so good you will think nothing is impossible.
- Tell yourself that although Medium and the rest of the world don’t realize it yet, satire and poetry are soon going to be the most viral cash cow of the 21st century, making self-help carrot dangling completely redundant, and even outdoing exhibitionism on Tik Tok. Said in a certain tone of voice, your inner child will believe anything.
- When all else fails, tell yourself that sometimes the greatest talents die unnoticed in a ditch only to be discovered and celebrated after their deaths. Remind yourself that even someone as hard working and talented as Vincent Van Gogh died insane and poor and largely ignored and unknown during his life, only so talentless wealthy investors could sell his works for billions of dollars after his death. This won’t necessarily make you feel any better about yourself, but it will at least be somewhat sobering.
© Carlo Zeno 2023
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Thanks for your sustained attention. I invite Michael Burg, MD (Satire Sommelier), Brian Lageose, Captain Obvious, Victor Cardenas, Patrick Eades, and Smillew Rahcuef to divulge their secret sedation strategies for taming their Medium rage. For similar unlikely listicles, try these 👇
