You’re Not Angry — You’re Weak

Strength lies in mastering your emotions, not giving in to them.

“Keep this thought handy when you feel a fit of rage coming on — it isn’t manly to be enraged. […] A real man doesn’t give way to anger and discontent, and such a person has strength, courage, and endurance — unlike the angry and complaining. The nearer a man comes to a calm mind, the closer he is to strength.”

— Marcus Aurelius

Like most of you, I don’t remember much from when I was young. The memories are blurred, except for a few key events that somehow survived in the corners of my brain. But I do remember one thing: I had serious anger issues.

I was a severe case. If anything didn’t go as I wanted to, I’d throw a fit. In second grade, the teacher got so desperate that she hung up a piece of paper on the classroom wall for me to rip apart and wreak my anger on it. I threw chairs and punched a sofa for hours instead.

In the years that followed, I wrecked my room more times than I can count, and I broke a few doors, plates, and other objects in the process.

Whenever I felt rage coming up, I gave in and was consumed by it.

I was an extreme case, but we’ve all been there. You bang your pinky on a chair and start cursing. Someone says something rude and you can’t keep yourself from snapping back at them. Some jerk cuts you off in traffic, and you give him the finger. Your spouse has left dirty dishes in the sink again? Get your fucking shit together, I’ve already told you five times!

Look, I know how it feels. You feel frustrated. The angry feelings build up inside of you and come to the boil. Your body tenses up, tunnel vision replaces rational thought, and the little raging devil inside your head takes over. Sometimes just for a brief moment and a mumbled fuck, sometimes for much longer and many more angry words and actions.

It’s a relief to let all the rage flow out and to give in to your emotions. When you bang that door, scream that curse, or punch that wall, you feel strong, manly, and in control.

In reality, it’s the exact opposite. You are weak. Your emotions control you. Both aren’t manly or impressive at all.

Not only is throwing a fit immature and won’t get you anywhere in life, but it comes with a ton of problems.

It feels good in the moment but won’t help you accomplish any of your goals. It’s a waste of time and energy you could put to good use instead.

And if other people are involved, anger can cause psychological or even physical hurt, and corrupt or destroy your relationships.

Today, I’m a bastion of calm. It takes a lot to set me off. It’s been a long journey that included a lot of painful memories and tons of work. But now, I can proudly say that most of the time I can control my anger — not the other way around.

There is one sentence that has helped me improve more than anything, and it has become my go-to mantra whenever I feel like I’m about to go off.

Anger is weakness.

The Source of Your Anger

Anger is usually born in pain and frustration. Something doesn’t work the way you want it to, which makes you feel angry. As a result, you use force, violence, and aggression to relieve the frustration and get what you want.

The frustration might result from the situation, like when someone cuts you off in traffic. It might also result from underlying issues you have. My dad left when I was four years old, so I felt unwanted. I was an overachiever at school and didn’t receive as much attention as I would’ve liked to because the teachers spent more time with the kids who actually needed it. Throwing fits and raging was a great way for people to notice me.

The problem is that this creates a positive feedback loop if it works. You feel relieved after letting it out, and sometimes you even get what you want. Your spouse will clean up their dishes when you scream at them — but at what price?

The Difference Between Humans and Animals

The paradoxical thing is that anger itself is neither good nor bad. It’s a simple emotion — a feedback mechanism of your brain that tells you how you feel about certain events that are happening around you.

The part that makes anger harmful is your relationship with it. See, your emotions are just pieces of information your brain gives you. Your friend is late and keeps you waiting for the third time in a row this week, so the bright red lamp in your brain starts blinking. You can feel the anger.

But now comes the crucial part. The difference between humans and animals is that we can apply reasoning and rational thought before we act. Hit a dog, and it’s going to bite you. It doesn’t stop to ask “Why did this guy hit me? Is biting him really the best response?”

We humans can make that distinction. We can think before we act.

But just because we have the ability to think rationally doesn’t mean we do it all the time. When your emotions run strong, you often give in to them, resulting in irrational and imprudent behavior that satisfies your short-term emotional impulses, but can seriously mess with your life and your relationships.

If you still think acting with anger is strong, manly, or being in control, think again.

Anger is weakness.

You let yourself be controlled by your emotions instead of acknowledging them and then acting with rational thought.

You give power to external influences and situations instead of being your own boss.

I don’t blame you — I’ve been there as well. It requires a ton of mental strength to stop giving in to your impulses and instead think and react with reason.

How to deal with your anger like a strong, authentic man

“Strength is the ability to maintain a hold of oneself. It’s being the person who never gets mad, who cannot be rattled, because they are in control of their passions — rather than controlled by their passions.”

— Ryan Holiday, The Daily Stoic

To deal with your anger in a healthy way, you have to treat it like you should treat any other emotion.

Notice that Ryan Holiday says you should be in control of your passions, not suppress them. The goal is not to be an emotionless robot that doesn’t feel anything at all. The goal is to be a rational human being who is in control of his behavior instead of a slave to his emotions.

Think of your emotions as walking a dog. If you suppress it and keep it on a short leash right next to you, neither you nor the dog will enjoy your walks. The dog wants to roam, and you want to watch it play and have fun. But if you let it off the leash and haven’t trained it properly, it will run off without any thought, and you’ll have to chase it, causing a lot of trouble.

Instead, you need to have your dog well-trained. It needs to roam and play, but when you see it run off into the forest, it has to listen to your reasoning voice and command.

Acknowledge your anger. Feel it. Examine it. Use it to find out how something makes you feel and what frustrates you. Don’t suppress it. Let it flow through you.

But before you act, apply reason and think about the consequences of your behavior first.

Sure, your friend has messed up because he forgot you were supposed to meet and you waited more than an hour for him. But cursing, raging, and getting in a lather for hours won’t accomplish anything. It will only waste your time and energy, but not get you one inch closer towards your real goal: A better connection and relationship with your friend, so he doesn’t leave you waiting anymore.

Instead, pull yourself together and reflect. Why are you angry? Because you feel like he doesn’t respect your time or you as a person, or because you have some underlying issues that were triggered by his behavior.

Then, communicate this in a calm, but assertive way. Tell your friend that what they did upset you and you won’t tolerate this behavior in the future. Be authentic, let it out, and tell them everything you want to tell them. Not with the goal of hurting them, but to show how they made you feel and make them understand.

This will improve your relationship and lead to connection and mutual understanding instead of screaming, insults, and disconnection.

Use Your Emotion as Feedback, Not Guidance

I’m not going to lie. I’m no holier-than-thou saint. I still sometimes find myself in situations in which I give in to my anger and throw every rational thought out the window.

And every time I do, I regret it.

There is no feeling more humiliating than to look at something you’ve destroyed and turned into rubble because you gave up control over yourself.

Look, we are humans. We are imperfect. We will mess up. But when you do flip, try to take it out on something that will take the beating well. Lift some weights at the gym, take a run, write down your thoughts in your journal, eat a banana, or throw fists at a punchbag or mattress until you’re out of breath.

Your emotions are awesome feedback mechanisms that tell you how something makes you feel. They’re great scouts and show you what’s going on in and around you. Acknowledge and listen, don’t suppress and silence.

But letting an emotion such as anger control you and make you do things you regret later is weakness.

Be authentic and acknowledge and express your emotions instead of suppressing them.

But be mentally strong and think before you act. Apply reason and rationale.

Anger is weakness. Being in control of your behavior is strength.

When you’re angry, you say things you shouldn’t say. When that happens, you need to apologize. Often, that’s easier said than done — unless you have a guide that shows you how to.

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