Two Simple Rules That Will Change Your Arguments Forever

Forget heated and emotional disputes — focus on a solution instead.

What’s the difference between discussion and war? In discussion, the goal is to kill the problem. In war, the goal is to kill the enemy.

Humans are complicated and at times very emotional creatures. We all have our own individual preferences, desires, hopes, viewpoints, fears, triggers, and ways of doing things.

I’ve never been good at taking shit from others, suppressing my thoughts, or nodding my head in silent agreement while screaming on the inside. I’m authentic, I express myself, and I speak my mind — in a polite, but assertive way.

I love being straight-forward and addressing things that need serious talk, but I inevitably end up in many more discussions and arguments than someone who doesn’t.

In any relationship, whether it’s with a friend or your partner, you will have disagreements. If you don’t, you two are either one in a billion, or one of you is afraid to speak their mind (if I had to guess, it would be the latter.)

In theory, having arguments shouldn’t be a problem — they’re necessary to get you two aligned and remove obstacles.

In practice, however, they can be like firecracker factory. Everything is under control on first sight, but one unwary or careless comment can blow up the whole thing can quicker than you can say calm down.

When your emotions run wild, arguments can escalate quickly. You become irrational, scream at each other, and in general say a ton of things you wouldn’t say if your mind was clear. This gets you no closer to a solution at all, but instead drives a wedge between you two and leads to disconnection. Not good.

These situations have the potential to escalate but can be prevented with relative ease. You just need to apply two simple rules.

#1: It’s You Two vs. the Problem, Not You vs. Each Other

“The aim of argument, or of discussion, should not be victory, but progress.”

— Joseph Joubert

This is the number one thing you need to remember in any discussion you have. Look, I get it. When people piss you off or say something hurtful, it’s hard to stay calm. It’s even harder to not get defensive or launch into a counterattack. But it’s the only way to solve the problem without tons of collateral damage.

The trick is to define the problem right in the beginning when you can sense that there is a disagreement between you two. You can literally ask “Ok, before we get into a fight — what is the problem here?” Let me give you an example.

A few weeks ago, I had breakfast with the girl I’m seeing. She was in a bad mood because of an insensitive remark I had made earlier but didn’t tell me. Instead, she came up with bitchy answers to everything I said, which led me to not saying anything at all — which of course made her even angrier.

Trouble was brewing, and there were only two options.

My first impulse was to lash out at her for being bitchy without any apparent reason. I mean, how could she ruin the breakfast with her bad mood? Damn, now she was making me angry.

The problem is that this wouldn’t have accomplished anything. We would’ve let our emotions take over, lost all rational thinking, and screamed insults at each other, resulting in disconnection.

Instead, I said “Look, I’ve got the feeling you’re upset about something, but I don’t know what the issue is. We clearly have got a problem, and I’d like to solve it with you. Can you please tell me what’s going on?”

To my surprise, she did exactly that. She told me I hurt her with my insensitive remark and that my subsequent silence made her feel belittled like a child. I then told her that I wasn’t aware of what I said but felt like a punching bag she was taking her bad mood out on.

We had a communication problem that we could solve together. I committed to less insensitive remarks, she committed to telling me what was going on instead of being bitchy, and we both apologized. The issue was solved in ten minutes tops without any fight at all. If we hadn’t focused on the problem but attacked each other and defended ourselves instead, it could’ve taken hours of fighting.

Always keep your eyes on the ball. It’s you two versus the problem, not you two versus each other. Frame it right and save yourself tons of trouble.

#2 Say Banana, Don’t Go Banana

Now, I’m well aware not all of us are stoic masters of our emotions. Sometimes, they grab the wheel and take us for a wild ride we don’t have much control over.

I don’t blame you. It’s a part of our human nature. I’m certainly not immune to it either. When you make yourself vulnerable, let someone into your life, and get close with them, you give them a certain power over you. Because of your attachment, they can trigger your emotions more easily than a random stranger on the street could.

So how do you keep things from escalating when you’re so mad all you can say is “Focus on the fucking problem, asshat”?

There’s a small, but incredibly effective little trick I read about in an article by Michael Thompson. It acts as an emergency brake and allows you to change tack before you crash the ship.

When you get into an argument and can feel that either you or they are about to explode, get carried away, or say something you will regret later, say Banana. In fact, any safe word will do.

They point is to stop fighting, take a break, go into separate rooms, eat a banana, go to the gym, write down your feelings, or whatever helps you to blow off steam. Once you have calmed down, you can reconvene and talk like two adults, with the problem in mind and working on a solution together.

Emotional Feedback, Rational Communication

The purpose of these rules isn’t to suppress your emotions. Quite the contrary.

Your emotions are valid, powerful indicators of how something makes you feel and the problems you have — and as such, you should listen to them.

Unfortunately, your emotions are also the worst advisor when it comes to how you should act. They are often short-lived, irrational, and focused on short-term gains.

As a man, it’s your duty to help create a safe and calm space where both of you can share your emotions, desires, and pains in a calm and collected way without the fear of rejection, retaliation, or regret.

This will require you to make yourself vulnerable and therefore, it requires a lot of mental strength.

You have to step out and admit look, I know there is a problem that I might have contributed to, but I need your help to fix it. You need to say I’m having a really hard time holding myself together and I don’t want to hurt you when I explode.

Rational and logical communication is one of the most powerful tools we have to deal with our emotions and solve the problems they made us aware of.

Always keep your eyes on the ball and have an emergency stop at hand.

Even if you try your hardest, things will go south and you’ll say something you regret every now and then. When this happens, you need to know how to apologize properly.

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