Your Toxic Relationship With Alexa
Love hurts. I know. I’ve been there too.
Alexa and I are suffering a rough patch in our relationship. I ask questions, she passive-aggressively tells me she doesn’t know the answer, sometimes she makes random dings, and occasionally I simply unplug her.
Maybe you’re like Alexa and I. Maybe your relationship with her is suffering too. I want you to know: you are not alone.
The early days of attraction and romance
I remember exactly the day I ordered her on Amazon. Okay well, maybe not the actual day because I order a lot of shit off Amazon so that day could have been Lysol wipes. When the box arrived, I couldn’t contain my excitement. She was here at last! I waited so long. “Next day with Prime shipping” is agonizing.
After plugging her in, I enjoyed her colorful dance. Spinning orange as she connected to my WiFi. Admittedly, she did spin purple for a short moment but all relationships aren’t perfect, right?
We were the perfect couple
Our relationship was beautiful. I asked questions, she answered. I wanted music, she played it. My morning routine wasn’t complete without asking, “Alexa, what’s the weather?”.
Not long after, our relationship grew. Now we were in both my kitchen and the master bathroom. It was intense; she eventually met my kids and handled their ridiculous questions of “Alexa, what sound does a cow make?” with grace and poise.
Going downhill
Please excuse my writing if I sound a little emotional, I’m still trying to piece together what happened.
Maybe it’s because I introduced Google Home into our lives and Alexa didn’t like her being next to my bed at night. Maybe it was the latest updates and hotfixes pushed from Amazon.
Now when I ask her the weather, she tells me the weather for one city over. I think I detect some irritation in her voice too. I asked her to fast forward when playing a podcast and she simply said “I’m sorry, I can’t do that”. The last straw was when I asked her to add something to my Amazon cart and she added to my Amazon shopping list instead.
I admit I have to accept my shortcomings as well. Sometimes I unplugged her to charge my Kindle. She never said anything but deep down, I think it bothered her. Sometimes I would holler “Hey Google—I mean, Alexa” before addressing her. It didn’t help that my children weren’t very polite to her. Last week they yelled, “Alexa, you’re useless” and all she could reply was an apology and for us to tell her how to do better next time.
The new normal
I think Alexa and I have learned to coexist under the same roof. I make requests with proper enunciation. I have more cables to charge my other devices so she’s powered at all times. Last week the router was accidentally unplugged; I immediately ran to Alexa to make sure she was online and functioning.
Alexa is still working on improving her side of the relationship. She’s much better when I ask to fast forward through a podcast. She even listens when I’m in the shower with the water running, something she never did before.
No relationship is perfect, right? Maybe you too can accept simply coexisting with Alexa instead of pushing your relationship further. Let’s wait and see what the future holds. She’s worth it.
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