I Published a Story Without Proper Title Case and Lived to Tell About It

I still live in fear.

Fuck. FUCK. Fuck.

I submitted an article without proper title capitalization. The number one golden rule of all “How I Got Rich on Medium” stories. It was careless and dangerous. My younger self was so foolish to think she could get away with it.

I thought I did adequate damage control. When I eventually realized my mistake, I went in and changed the title. Looked good on my page so I clicked “Save and publish”.

Little did I know: if you change the title after publishing, the change is only reflected in the page itself. Not when it’s listed anywhere. Like the front page of the publication you sent it to.

I immediately jumped under my desk in anticipation of the helicopters combing the city to find me. Which actually wouldn’t be that hard, with social distancing there’s maybe two spots that I could possibly be hiding. After 6 hours of waiting, I nervously crawled out. I didn’t have much choice, my husband needed help with the kids. He didn’t understand the severity of my actions when I explained my crime to him. He had the nerve to roll his eyes and walk away mumbling, “whatever, I’ll just make them dinner myself”.

Any moment could bring the pitchforks from the Medium Curated Writers, chanting, “Proper title case! Proper title case!” and “Edit your work! Edit your work!”. I had to act fast to spare my family.

I grabbed my passport, my car keys, and a scrunchie. This was no time to mess around; this situation required Hair in A Bun status. I threw my laptop out my window before I left so they couldn’t trace me. It was my work laptop but I knew once my employer found out about my lawlessness, I’d get axed anyway.

I can’t tell you how long I was on the road. I can’t tell you how many nights I disguised myself while I stayed at a hotel. I’m guessing it was a combined total of 2 hours. Maybe 2.5, I stopped to grab a muffin at Starbucks but because we had to stay 6 feet apart the line was long and then some Karen made a scene about wearing a mask, it was a whole big thing.

To the editors of The Haven, I’m so, so sorry I put you in this awkward position. When Medium comes for you, feel free to throw me under the bus. You don’t deserve to be dragged down for my crimes, including the use of passive voice I used in this sentence. Save yourself.

I’m back at home now. I await responses to my story from prestigious writers yelling at me for my felony. The comments will be scary but I must face justice. If you, dear Reader, are going to chastise me for my sin, can you also clap? It would mean a lot. Thanks!