How to Hide in Your House to Avoid Your Family

Socially isolate while socially isolating.

Holy shitballs, I want to murder everyone.

That’s my thought every day around 3pm. The golden time when it feels like it should be the kids’ bedtime and it’s much too early to begin making dinner. Dinner…you know, the thing you dread making because you can’t eat out and Child Protective Services will arrive if you serve your children dino nuggets again.

I’m social isolating (the politically correct term for “quarantine”) with my husband and kids. I’m very hashtag blessed that our jobs transitioned to work from home and we are healthy. Without gas and childcare expenses, we have enough money to have McDonald’s delivered for the kids every other day (don’t judge what I allow my kids to eat; I’m one step from throwing them a piece of salami and calling it lunch).

Compared to other people, I’m living the Quarantine Family Dream. Inside, I’m an introvert in hell. Where am I supposed to go and get away? My extracurricular activity of wandering the aisles of Target sans kids is reduced to a mask and a rushed trip to buy paper plates (I discarded eco-friendly life when I had to do dishes every 10 minutes). I don’t have an office I can hole up in. I can’t go to a park because then my family will say, “we should all go to the park together” and then I’m the dick who would have to tell my family that I’m only going to dodge them.

These are my strategies for family avoidance.

Prep Work

One does not simply get up and hide from family. This isn’t as easy as escaping your house from a fiery inferno; becoming a family recluse needs some planning.

Charge your phone to max battery. You’re going off the family grid, you may need to contact the outside world as well as be able to text your spouse if you think he’s going to look for you. This will be your time to play Candy Crush. Don’t be a fucking noob with 10% battery life.

You’ll need a secondary form of entertainment that is otherwise unavailable. For me, that’s watching my choice of TV shows and reading books. I can get away by using my phone to stream TV, so I have earphones I take with me. It’s been almost a decade since I read a book without pictures, so I bring my Kindle with me as well. Napping counts as secondary entertainment. Don’t bring a pillow because that’s not very ninja. Grab something smaller or foldable, like a towel or a hoodie.

Snacks. Don’t forget snacks. You may be gone for a whole 30 minutes, you can’t risk starvation. The snacks must be at the hideout spot in advance to make a stealth getaway later. Right now, as I type this, I’m eating mini Reese’s cups that I bought weeks ago by strategically placing them in the same reusable shopping bag that held my tampons as I tiptoed upstairs. To snack on chips, put them in a Ziploc bag so that the real bag remains in the pantry. You can’t blow your cover with a child who screams, “where are the barbecue chips MOOOOOOOOM”. Empty half the bag in your Ziploc, leave the decoy bag behind.

Shove a bunch of Kleenex in your pockets for the eventual stress release. This is not the time to rely on your sleeves for tears and snot cleanup.

Give yourself extra security by pre-planning your excuse. I told my husband early last week that I need to work with a lawyer to update our living trust. If my husband comes in looking for me, I can tell him this is legal paperwork instead of an article bitching about how I’m trying to avoid him. Other great excuses include “I have so much laundry to put away”, “I have an important work call in an hour”, and “I need to grab a bag I left in my car”. The advance excuse is nice but not mandatory. Don’t be discouraged if you didn’t think of one beforehand.

One last note: it goes without saying that you’re going underground for a while. Go pee, brush your teeth, refill your water bottle, and whatever else you need to do when luxury amenities are no longer available.

The Closet

The closet is a great option if you used the “I have to do laundry” excuse. Even without it, grab a laundry basket, hide your prep work items within it, and bring it to the closet furthest away from everyone.

If you should get busted, no one would dare challenge why you’re there. If you have a basket of laundry and you’re sitting next to the hall closet that only houses a vacuum, turn it back on the accuser who asks why you’re putting clothes in the hall closet. Act appalled and say, “we have lived here for how long now and you don’t know I have to store clothes in here?!”. Then open your mouth like you’re pausing before going on a rant, which will buy them enough time to say “uh cool, I won’t bug you anymore”.

Success.

Your Car

Your car works well if it’s in the garage or a shaded driveway. This allows you to even sleep in there without your family thinking that you left the house with a vehicle.

If you leave your car outside, keep it parked in a shaded spot. Put a sun shade on for good measure, which allows an extra layer of camouflage like a sloth among trees.

Make sure your car doesn’t beep when you close it. Learn the least amount of effort needed to close the door without a loud slam. And for God’s sakes, do not play the radio.

The Garage

If you’re fortunate to live in a house with a garage, you’ve got a goldmine at your fingertips. Garages are the greatest source of all things that cannot be found. If you work hard to keep your garage disorganized, it will pay off in the long run.

The garage serves double duty. First you can use it as an excuse to find something. Make sure it’s something made up; you don’t need a spouse to come in and offer to help you find it or even worse, actually know where to locate it. Alternatively, the garage is a place in perpetual state of organization. You can’t organize something without making a mess first, right? Surround yourself with boxes, garden tools, and your husband’s hidden Playboy collection circa 1991.

If someone comes in looking for you while you’re reading a book, hide it behind your back and snarkily reply, “Mommy is clearly busy reorganizing these Christmas boxes, what do you need?!”

An added bonus is the garage is usually cool in the summer, so heat isn’t an issue like it would be in a car. Kick back on the cold garage floor, close your eyes, and imagine you’re in paradise.

The Bathroom

Don’t use the bathroom as a hideout unless you have a master bath unused by other family members. Bathrooms are great because they have access to running water, the toilet, and a lockable door.

Bathmats and towels work well when piled into the tub for a makeshift bed.

When your husband knocks wondering why you’ve been in there so long, blame your vagina. Answers like, “I’m dealing with a yeast infection” or “I’ve got a bloody period situation here” will make him run before he can even question your two hours behind closed doors.

The Kid’s Room

Your kid’s room is a perfect Hiding-in-Plain-Site location if your child is in the sweet spot age where they can spend hours with an iPad while ignoring everyone else.

Buy yourself some insurance by depriving your child of electronics time beforehand. Come up endless chores before they have earned the right to screentime.

When you hand the iPad over, they’ll flop on the floor and ignore you for hours. This gives you full access to their bed with the freedom to read or even nap.

If anyone else comes in asking what you’re doing in there, you can reply “Jayden and I are spending time together”. Then Jayden will give a head nod from the mention of his name, sealing the deal. Your spouse can’t fault you for spending time with your child, right? If it’s another child that barged in, it requires a more delicate approach. Try, “Mommy is making sure Jayden isn’t spending too much time playing Minecraft so I’m here to put a timer on him”. Again, Jayden will only head nod at the mention of his name so this threat of a limit will go unnoticed. Madison will back away when she thinks, “oh shit, I don’t want her limiting my iPad time”.

This Too Shall Pass

As I type this, I hear my kids screaming and my husband banging cupboards in the kitchen. My Ziploc of chips is empty and I’ve got a single Reese’s peanut butter cup left. It’s 2:30pm and my hands are in a fist as I white knuckle them to keep my irritation in check.

This pandemic won’t last forever. We’ve already managed to make it to September, we can easily finish the year off. What the fuck, it’s only July? Are you freakin’ kidding me? Well, maybe not easily. Maybe with a lot of tears, a lot of weight gain, and a lot of yelling.

Don’t feel guilty if you need to isolate from your family while isolating from the world. Hiding from your family is the ultimate form of self care.