Your sibling relationship is abusive
Stop making excuses for the toxic behavior.
by: E.B. Johnson
Toxic and abusive relationships aren’t limited strictly to those between our partners or our parents. You can also have toxic and damaging ties to your friends and your siblings, too. When we can’t get along with our siblings, it puts an extra strain on our lives. Yet these bonds can be harmful and dangerous to our wellbeing. Are you dealing with a toxic sibling? Don’t ignore the signs. Be honest and act swiftly to protect yourself and your happiness.
Signs of an abusive sibling relationship.
There’s no denying a toxic sibling relationship, and no ignoring it once we acknowledge it. Do you feel drained after every interaction? Do the terrible memories and the unpleasant experiences outweigh the good? Your brother or your sister can be abusive — and that abuse can manifest in different ways.
Draining communication
When simply communicating with your brother or sister becomes a major emotional drain, you’ve got a pretty big red flag. Talking to your sibling shouldn’t be a chore. It shouldn’t make you anxious and it shouldn’t leave you exhausted afterward. Maybe every time you talk, there’s a fight. Or maybe it’s just tiresome dealing with all their judgements and negativity. Either way, you have to be honest about the affect they have on you.
Causing extreme damage
Some toxic siblings are relatively harmless. They cause irritating upsets and annoyances more than anything else. That’s not the case with every toxic sibling, though. Sometimes, our siblings can be extremely abusive or damaging. They can upset our relationships, they can threaten us, or even physically harm us with their abusive behavior. When they cause extreme damage to our mental health or our lives, it’s important to be acknowledge it.
Bad outweighs good
One way to figure out whether your sibling relationship is toxic is to create a pros and cons list. Sit down and lay it all out on the table. What are the good memories that you share with your sibling? What are the bad? Look at what you have (realistically) when you’re done. Are the memories you have of your sibling more negative than good? What about the experiences you continue to have? When the bad outweighs the good, it’s time to take stock.
Zero real respect
Would you describe your relationship with your sibling as a respectful one? If they can’t respect your body, your boundaries, your beliefs, and the choices that you make — then they are toxic. This sibling will have no respect for your boundaries or your feelings. They will mock you and dismiss your feelings. In extreme cases, they make even work to destroy your things and the outside relationships that you hold dear.
Endless, vicious rivalry
No sibling relationship can long-survive the sting of rivalry. While most siblings grow out of this dynamic as they settle into their own lives, that’s not true for the toxic sibling. They enjoy playing the game of favorites in the family. So they will lean into any rivalry encouraged by your parents. Worse than that, they will create and carry on their own by pitting their own children and loved ones against you, too.
Increasing anxiety
Anxiety is another important indicator of toxicity in our lives. Do you become anxious or upset with the mere idea of communicating with your sibling? This is can be a sign of a toxic bond. You should never be afraid to speak to spend time with someone who loves you. No matter what caliber of relationship we have, when we love someone, we make our space and time with them honest, open, and comforting. Toxic people don’t do that.
Feeding the conflict
Conflict — while it can lead us to healthy resolutions — is dangerous when put in the hands of a toxic person. They love the chaos that conflict brings. Does your sibling cause a lot of conflict or upset in your family? What about your relationship with them? Do you struggle to communicate without fighting and major emotional blow-ups? It’s important to be honest when conflict is raging at an unhealthy level in your relationships…no matter who they’re with.
Control and manipulation
Is your sibling controlling or manipulative? This toxic and abusive behavior isn’t limited only to our intimate relationships. Your sibling might also attempt to control your behavior with threats and coercion. Likewise, they may use mental and emotional manipulation in an attempt to control your other family members. This can be extremely damaging both to relationships and our sense of self.
Kitchen table juries
Do you come from one of those families that likes to group around the kitchen table to chat and chatter with one another? These can quickly turn into kitchen table juries, which the toxic sibling readily takes part in. This occurs whenever they talk badly about you or start rumors behind your back. In an effort to boost their self-esteem, or destroy your standing in the family, they slander you and run you down without even having the decency to say their half-truths to your face.
How to draw the line with your siblings.
Being family doesn’t mean you have to tolerate abuse. No matter who the toxic person is in your life, you have to set boundaries and take action to protect yourself. Be honest about the full extent of their toxicity and accept it for what it is. Say what you need to say and don’t force something that doesn’t work. The bonds of blood don’t make allowances for abuse and dismissal. Stand up for yourself and your life.
1. Figure out the full extent
You need to be brutally honest about the damage that your sibling has inflicted in your life before you can do anything to repair the damage. In some cases, the trauma may run too deep. There may be too many wounds that just can’t be healed. In other instances, we find that a lot of focused communication and re-setting does what we need it to do in terms of getting that sibling relationship grounded again. So, take a step back and look at what’s going on. Is your relationship capable of repair or not?
Be honest about the full extent of the damage your sibling has wreaked on your life. Stop running from it. Stop downplaying it and stop denying it. They can be just as toxic as anyone else. Acknowledge it, and be honest about the pain they have caused. How deeply have they damaged the relationship you share with them? The person you’ve become?
Some hurts run too deep. And some hurts need to be addressed in very specific ways. Knowing the difference comes down to acknowledging who your sibling really is and how they have affected your life. Has the mental and emotional abused damaged your self-esteem? Have their antics changed the way you see love and family? Now is the moment for brutal honesty. It takes nothing away from who you are as a person, or any of the happy moments you want to hold on to. Figure out the full extent of the damage so you can work to repair it within yourself as needed.
2. Create some space for self-care
Never underestimate the value of self-care when struggling with a sibling relationship. Through this self-care, you can gain a better perspective on how you want to proceed with your sibling. You can also rest and recharge in a way that allows you to prepare for any conflict or confrontation you may deal. What’s crucial is to remember that self-care isn’t just bubble baths. It’s getting space from toxic people and toxic situations too.
Before you get into heavy confrontations, take some time away from the toxic relationship to nurture yourself. Self-care is crucial when we’re dealing with toxic people. Get away from your sibling and all the chaos. Decompress, recharge, and clear your head of all the confusing thoughts and emotions.
You have a right to take time for yourself. You have a right to step away from everyone and everything that doesn’t suit you. It’s great for getting an outside perspective on the situation too. From there, you can consider how you want to proceed with your sibling. Do you want to attempt to repair things? Do you want to try to set healthier boundaries? All of these things can be considered as you take a beat for self-care and self-assurance. Find peace before you do battle with your toxic sibling (because battle is inevitable).
3. Say what you need to say
Honest conversation is the primary way by which we come to resolution in any relationship that we have. We have to sit down and talk about things. Through this talking, we can express our disappointments and our needs. We can tell our siblings our expectations and get theirs in return. You need to tell you sibling how their behavior is affecting you. And from there, the two of you need to talk it out and figure out how you get back on track for yourselves as individuals.
Sit your sibling down and have an honest conversation with them. Take all thoughts thoughts and feelings you’ve been sitting with and explain them. Tell them you’re not willing to tolerate their toxic behavior anymore and tell them you need them to change.
Avoid using inflammatory language that encourages them to lash out. At the same time, don’t expect a peaceful resolution. Odds are they will not take the conversation very well. Accept that and focus on your own role in the whole talk. Carry yourself in such a way that you are above reproach (no matter how they choose to react). State your thoughts and focus only on your own experience. When you’ve had your say, give them room to respond. But don’t allow yourself to accept a tirade or onslaught of additional abuse.
4. Form iron-clad boundaries
Every relationship requires boundaries, and that includes our family relationships. You need to have boundaries with your siblings. There needs to be a line they know they can’t cross with you — and vice versa. Boundaries aren’t some optional part of the equation. All healthy relationships of every sort start with two people communicating their expectations to one another through their boundaries; which should be respected and valued.
Form iron-clad boundaries and stick to them. Figure out how you want to be treated by your sibling and then demand that. You have a right to hold the basic expectations of respect and civility when it comes to any person in your life. Make sure your sibling knows that and make sure they know there’re consequences when they don’t comply.
These boundaries need to apply to everyone in your life. This includes any enablers who may also be present within the family unit. Make sure they also know that you expect to honor any decisions you make regarding the toxic sibling you’re dealing with. In addition, ensure that they understand you won’t tolerate abuse on behalf of their opinions or feelings. That’s not respectful of you, and it’s not making room for your experiences or feelings. If anyone else in your family can’t respect those boundaries, stand up for yourself.
5. Don’t force what doesn’t work
Listen: Many people don’t like their siblings. More than that, they aren’t close to them at all. They don’t see each other. They don’t speak. It’s pretty common for brothers and sisters to be estranged from one another. If you and your siblings can’t get along, then you may have to consider a similar approach. Toxic influences are toxic influences. If the bond between you can’t be repaired (or isn’t worth being repaired) then give yourselves permission to walk away.
Don’t force what doesn’t work. If they can’t respect you — they can’t respect you. Stop making excuses and allowances for what you know is true. Cut ties and put distance between yourself and your sibling. Not everyone is close to their sibling. It may time to admit you’ll never be close to yours.
Create space. Do it slowly, or do it quickly. You’re the only person who knows what’s right for you. If needed, sit your parents down (or your other siblings) and communicate your new boundaries. Explain where you’re coming from, and make it clear that you can no longer be around the abusive sibling. Don’t put them in the middle, but clarify that you’re no longer willing to put yourself in compromising situations. Take the onus on yourself to remove your person from any environment that doesn’t make you feel secure.
Putting it all together…
The relationships we share with our siblings can be toxic and abusive — just like any other close relationship in our lives. We make a lot of allowances out of the belief that “blood runs thicker than water”. Doing that, though, makes us vulnerable to abuse. Don’t make excuses anymore. Admit that your sibling relationship is toxic and then protect yourself against it.
Take a step back and first be honest about what’s going on. Is your sibling relationship toxic or abusive? Figure out the extent of the damage so that you can take steps to safeguard yourself and repair it. Give yourself some space from the relationship and use that space to recharge and care for yourself. When you feel powerful enough, stand up to your sibling and say what you need to say. Set iron-clad boundaries with them and be explicitly clear about where the line lies. Your sibling can either learn to respect you or find a different space in your life. There aren’t really a lot of other options. If they can’t honor you and be respectful of who you are, then don’t force it. You’re not beholden to cling to any relationship that doesn’t suit you. Let them go, and wish them luck so you can continue on your own journey to happiness.