Your Pre-Teen Needs a Smartphone

No, it isn’t (entirely) because everyone else has one

If you have kids, the inevitable question will arise someday; when should they get a cell phone?

I have a family member working through this issue right now. While I believe they truly are exceptionally good parents, I think they are whiffing on the cell phone topic, and it worries me a bit.

They have invoked a ‘no cell phone until age 16’ clause at their home. They have three children, the oldest is just hitting early teens, so it is time to set some precedents, and this is the hard line they have chosen.

It’s not my place to parent anyone else’s children. I had a difficult enough time with my two, and I consider it a minor miracle that they are grown and functioning really well as adults, simply because raising kids is indeed difficult. For everyone.

But, when I heard about this family’s cell phone stance around the holidays it struck me as a huge missed opportunity, and perhaps even a disservice to the kids. This story is my attempt to lay out my thoughts in a cogent argument to support my feelings. I don’t know if I will actually ever voice these thoughts to the family, but it is something I feel I need to get out on ‘paper’.

Everyone’s journey is different. With respect to cell phones in general and smart phones in particular my parental decision tree was dictated more by cost, availability and practicality. Both of my kids had ‘dumb’ phones before they ever progressed forward, because that was vogue at the time.

This allowed us to employ a graduated approach as technology advanced. The “what age should a kid get a smart phone” discussion hadn’t even begun yet. Now it is a particularly poignant question.

One problem with this question is it presumes an answer that is a number, like 13, or 16. The issue with that idea is that each child is different. One kid at age 13 might be incredibly immature, while the next 13-year-old will be wise beyond belief.

My first piece of advice for parents is to stay away from age-based milestones for internal family policies. Clearly you can’t circumnavigate state laws about driving age etc., but for answers that aren’t shaped by government avoid setting age as a demarcation.

Instead the answer to “when can I…” should be based around concepts such as when the parent judges the child is capable of managing the milestone. Your standards for when your kid reaches this point will be different and perhaps a little nebulous. You will have to explain concepts surrounding responsibility and expectations. But that is exactly the point — to have a conversation about expectations. Probably several times.

Each kid in your family will be different. Tell them that up front, and be willing to engage in the “when can I…” discussion and use it to communicate your parental expectations.

Setting a “don’t even bother to ask until you are X age” standard is a cop out that by its nature side-steps some hard conversations. As much as they suck sometimes, parents should always try to lean into hard conversations with their kids instead of avoiding them.

So, when is the right time for a cell phone?

Parenting is a delicate dance of protecting your child up until you can teach them to protect themselves. Early on we do this through mechanical means like cribs, highchairs, baby gates, cabinet locks etc.

When our child is ready to handle a challenge, we slowly remove the mechanical safety devices and let them work things out on their own.

The cell phone issue is no different, we mechanically restrain them until they are prepared enough to strike out on their own. A poignant metaphor could be that of learning to swim. We physically prohibit the child from being anywhere near water for some time, then we teach them how to swim.

However, after graduating swim lessons we don’t just allow carte blanche access to bodies of water. We let them practice, and we watch them carefully. We set limits “don’t go in the deep end” that we carefully monitor and adapt to their abilities. We make rules “always swim with a buddy”. And we insist on accountability, “tell me when you are going to the pool”.

For most parents, teaching kids about water and how to swim is something done as early as reasonably possible. The idea that you would keep a kid away from water for a large chunk of their childhood is unthinkable. We know they need to learn and practice under our watchful eyes, because the consequences can be devastating if they don’t.

The logic and method for allowing internet and smart phone use should be very similar to that of swimming as we know the consequences for misuse can be similarly devastating. The lessons should be started as soon as they are ready, and they should be allowed as much time to practice as possible under our guidance.

This is where the “everyone else is doing it” argument actually holds a bit of water. For two reasons. Stay with me as we follow the logic here.

First off, you aren’t with your child every second of every day. Part of their growing up and learning to protect themselves involves going to school, activities, meeting friends etc. Even if cell phone and/or internet access is verboten or heavily regulated at your house, it won’t be at you kids’ friends’ houses (or in the hall in school, or on the bus for a field trip, or wherever else).

Your child will have some sort of smart phone access available to them. When your child asks a friend about what they are missing by not having a cell phone, you are allowing that friend to curate the content your child sees on the internet. Think about that for a minute.

Sure, Johnny is a good kid and would never show your darling child anything provocative on the internet, right? Maybe, but wouldn’t you rather have first shot at curating your child’s smart phone and internet access?

Second, along the same lines, but a more important concept is that every day that you miss out on having a conversation about sketchy internet content, cyber-bullying, minor exploitation, social media gaffes with lasting implications, the power of persuasion and influence, and your family’s expectations of reasonable behavior around use of the internet and cell phones is a day you won’t ever get back.

Having a pre-teen with a cell phone in their possession is a parent’s best excuse for having those discussions every day or as often as possible. It allows your kid to practice, learn and develop good habits.

The fact is, they are going to have a smart phone someday. I absolutely guarantee it.

Who is going to teach them how to use it responsibly?

One more point to hammer this home. Let’s say you are the family that didn’t teach your kid to swim. No problem, in fact your child is a fantastic student and model citizen. They make great decisions, are cognizant of personal safety, and are super responsible around all facets of their life.

The opportunity to visit their friend’s family lake house comes up when they are 16. Great, your child can take care of themselves, they know about water safety in general and they know they can’t swim. But it is a hot weekend, the water beckons. Their friend is an excellent swimmer, they have been swimming for years. Who better to teach your son or daughter?

It will probably turn out okay; unless it doesn’t. How awful will you feel knowing you had 4 or 5 years in which you could have had your child practice protecting themselves, but you opted to protect them by keeping the danger away instead?

A stark and extreme analogy, I know. But valid, I think.

The internet can be a scary place. Not just that, but there are nuance and complexities that are difficult to grasp sometimes. And, it is a constantly changing environment. Threats that are present today aren’t necessarily going to be the threats of the very new future. Likely there is something newly dangerous around the corner that we don’t know about yet.

The answer to those threats is not the ostrich head-in-sand technique. Rather it is awareness, savviness and the willingness to communicate about the current dangers in a way that cultivates an ability to spot new threats as they arise.

No one is better suited to teach your kids to protect themselves from danger than you. I say start early. Give them the tools they need, teach them how to use them, create an atmosphere where candid conversations are welcome, provide clear expectations, and talk about them every day.

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Timothy Key spent over 26 years in the fire service as a firefighter/paramedic and various fire chief management roles. Now moving forward to writing and consulting. For more articles like this, join the mail list.