Signs your new partner is a bad fit
Before you fall head over heels make sure your new partner fits into your vision of a future.
by: E.B. Johnson
New love is exciting, but it can lead us into painful places when we’re not careful. Occasionally, we find our pulses rushing and our stomachs tumbling for someone who isn’t quite the right fit. Despite our instincts, many of us continue on — heedless of the heartbreak that is inevitably coming our way. We have to stop picking the wrong partners and start picking the right ones. But how? By waking up to the reality of our needs and getting real about the patterns that are keeping us small.
Whether you’ve found yourself with someone who is abusive, or someone who just speaks a different love language from you — building a happy relationship is up to you. We choose who to surround ourselves with, and we allow people to treat us with either disrespect or respect. Only when you get honest and proactive about what you want from a partnership, can you get real about kicking the mismatches to the curb. Radically accept what you want and use that acceptance to find a relationship that makes your heart sing.
Not every relationship is meant to be.
Though we like to think of ourselves as omnipotent and infallible masters of our own little universe — nothing could be further from the truth. As humans, we are flawed, and that leads to flawed decision making and flawed relationships. We pick the wrong people sometimes, and that has a big impact on our happiness and our state of wellbeing. If we want to pick partner that are better suited to our needs, we have to embrace those needs and the knowledge that comes with them.
Our relationships have a profound impact on our beliefs and the way we see ourselves in the world around us. They inform our world views and shape our opinions on self. Not every relationship is meant to be though, and that requires accepting some personal responsibility.
We don’t just wake up one day and decide to stay with someone who is wrong for us. It’s a process that happens slowly, and it’s one that’s impacted by a number of factors (not least of which can be our history of childhood trauma). Part of cultivating the courage we need to kick these partners to the curb is learning how to embrace and understand our needs and desires. Something which requires some radical self-acceptance as well a massive dose of personal courage.
Missing the signs right in front of us.
We might be able to accept that we occasionally make the wrong romantic choice, but do we always consider the deeper reasons behind those choices? Before you can accept the warning signs, you need to accept why you keep attracting less love into your life than you want or deserve.
Endless insecurity
If you can’t respect yourself, it’s hard to find other people that will respect you either. Feeling good about ourselves is important; loving ourselves even more so. Poor self-esteem is one of the number reasons people find themselves trapped in relationships that don’t suit them, but that self-esteem too comes from a number of different places.
Rather be unhappy than alone
We live in a society that constantly tells us that our worth is a direct correlation of our relationship status. Clinging to relationships simply because you’re too scared to be alone is no justification. As humans, it’s natural to want a partner, but it has nothing to do with our true happiness, as this can only be defined by ourselves alone. Making your happiness dependent on another person will always result in failure. Learning how to make yourself happy, though? That lasts forever.
Fear of breaking the cycle
As humans, we’re creatures of habit, but those habits can quickly become corrosive or self-defeating. The real problem, however, is that even when that’s the case — we often don’t walk away. Why? Because the familiar is more comfortable than the unfamiliar; a known bad is perceived to be safer than an unknown potential good. So many of us fear breaking the cycle of bad partners because it’s all we’ve ever known. So we stay in poor fits and wait for a miracle that never comes.
Signs your new love interest is a bad fit.
Having doubts or second thoughts about the person you’re about to commit to? These are the warning signs that they might be exactly the wrong fit for your life and your future vision.
They don’t want kids
Family planning is such a crucial part of figuring out our love match compatibility. Children and family-building is one of those no-go compromise zones. It’s not fair to expect someone else to give up so much of their life for your dreams alone. The family question is a big one, and it’s one that has to be answered…rather than ignored. If they don’t share your expectations of family, they’re not a good fit. Have the conversation soon and candidly. Don’t hold back or expect the other person to “change their minds”.
They’re abusive
No matter what form it takes, abuse is always a sign that you’re falling for the wrong person. There is no excuse for consciously hurting other people. There is no excuse for isolating them, coercing them, or otherwise terrorizing them into doing things against their will. If your partner hits you, emotionally manipulates you, or otherwise uses campaigns of fear and shame to control you — you’re in an abusive position and you need to escape. No excuses.
They don’t allow free expression
Expression is an important part of any relationship, and we should feel free to express ourselves in any way needed when it comes to healthy and stable companionships. If you feel like you have to wear a mask or otherwise pretend to be something that you’re not, then you’re not in love and you’re not dealing with someone who is the right fit for you. Happy partnerships come with the guarantee that we can be who we want to be and live our lives authentically.
They avoid you
Are you dealing with someone who regularly avoids you or disappears for days at a time? A partner that only has time for you when it’s convenient to them is toxic, and they don’t value you for the full scope of your worth. Instead, they see you as an accessory and demonstrate — through their behavior — that they do not hold your needs in an equal space with their own.
They have a different love language
While some love languages are compatible — there are some styles that can result in major disconnects when we don’t carefully manage and balance them mutually. Our love language is a culmination of our desires, behaviors, reactions, words and deeds. When one partner has drastically different desires and behaviors, it can clash with the other person and result in toxic reactions, words and deeds. Part of picking a good partner is making sure our love languages are aligned.
They drain you
Does your new partner or love interest drain you? Do you feel exhausted (in a bad way) whenever they come around, or whenever they leave? It’s not normal to feel this overwhelmed by someone, especially not someone you’re planning on building a life with. When it comes to love, you should feel invigorated…not destroyed.
They can’t communicate
Partners that can’t (or won’t) communicate are never a good fit, because it takes a lot of communication to make a long-term relationship work. Without communication, it’s impossible to stay open and honest with one another. It’s also hard to maintain a healthy physical and emotional connection when one or both parties are unwillingly to just open up and express themselves as needed.
They’re at the center of everything
It’s one thing to like a bit of spotlight now and again. It’s another to have a partner with a compulsive need for attention. They have to be the center of every situation and it’s an absolute requirement that everyone around them must sacrifice their own needs. They might always be the victim of “monsters” or circumstance; they might just be full of drama or have a compulsive need to be admired. Whatever the reason, this toxic partner brings drama with them wherever they go.
How to choose partners that better fit our needs.
You don’t have to stay stuck with belittling, dismissive partners. You can attract thee right kind of romance into your life — and build your joy and meaning — by figuring out your own needs and getting proactive about changing the patterns that lead you to heartbreak.
1. Figure out your needs first
The first (and most crucial) step in choosing better partners comes down to figuring out your own needs and desires. Too often we get caught up chasing the things that society or even our loved ones tell us to chase. In these moments, we lose sight of ourselves and lose touch with the experiences and connections that might otherwise bring us joy and fulfillment.
Sit down and take some time to yourself. Close your eyes, clear your thoughts and take a few deep breaths. Slowly — and when you’re ready — form an image of the ideal person you want to be standing next to at the end. Build them from the ground up and imagine all their qualities.
Record these things in a diary or journal and compare them against the relationships and partners you are picking now. Dropping any extreme fancies of the imagination (like celebrity status or outrageous expectations), why are you settling for people who don’t meet up to your standards? The more time you spend figuring out what you really need from a partner, the easy it will be to identify them when they walk into your life.
2. Acknowledge your patterns
Whether we realize it or not, our romantic relationships fall within sets of patterns and these patterns hold the secret to building happy partnerships. Patterns are the habits or customs we grow accustom to, and they are formed in childhood with the examples that are set by our parents and caretakers. We have to acknowledge these patterns in order to find whole partners (and wholeness within ourselves).
Take some time to look back over your past relationships. What were the common denominators or “threads” that tied them all together?
Perhaps it was rough-around-the-edges partners that didn’t treat you with the respect you deserve. Or maybe it’s a habit of losing yourself in the shadow of another person. Whatever your bad habits are, detach from your current state and identify them. Embrace all the reasons you keep reaching for the wrong people so that you can get to the point where you’re healed enough to reach for the right ones.
3. Break the cycle
Simply identifying our patterns isn’t enough. You have to embrace them for what they are and then commit to stopping them in their tracks. That means breaking free of the toxic people you’re attracted to and actively changing the poisonous beliefs that keep bringing you back to the shores of misery.
Before you make any commitments or invest a dangerous level of emotion and energy — take a step back and take a detached view of the decisions that you’re making.
Are you falling back into old habits? Trying to heal old wounds with new people who have the exact same toxic behaviors as the last one? These are all things we have to consider. Break the pattern by actively comparing where you were to where you’re at right now. What’s the same? What are you going to do differently?
4. Listen to support networks
It’s very rare that we find ourselves in a poisonous partnership in which there were no warnings. More often than not, when we look back at the origins of our partnerships we find that not only were our partners sending us red flags, but our support networks were trying to warn us too. Want to pick better partners in the future? Listen to the perspective of the people you love right now.
Our loved ones can supply us with an entirely different outlook on our partners and the bonds we share with them. Just as we see different angles from within our relationships, they see different aspects from their perspective too.
If a loved one tells you your partner is a bad fit…listen. Understand, however, that their judgement doesn’t have to be the final decision. At the end of the day, we decide who fills the space in our lives and in our bed. It’s always valuable to have the opinions of people who love us, though, and the people who have our best interests at heart.
5. Don’t cave on yourself
So many of us have a bad habit of giving up on ourselves the moment a romantic relationship doesn’t work out. We blame ourselves, internalize, and make it all about the pain we’re feeling — rather than just accepting the fact that some people are just wrong for us. If you want to find better partners, you have to stop giving up every time you’re attracted to the wrong ones.
Don’t settle and don’t sell yourself short just because you think you’ve got to reach some specific milestone by a specific date. Everything in our lives happens for a reason and happens in its own time. Allow things to unfold naturally and understand that you don’t have to give up just because this one person didn’t work out.
Stop compromising the things that you want from your life for people that you don’t want in your future. Be realistic about your own happiness and understand that you alone are responsible for navigating the journey you’re on. Don’t give up. Don’t give in. Keep fighting for your joy and keep fighting for the authentic love you deserve in your life. Love that will come when you finally allow yourself to make room for the right person.
Putting it all together…
Romantic relationships are full of ups and down, heartaches and tribulations. That’s especially true, however, when we pick the wrong life partners and make the wrong decisions for our marital beds. Picking the right partner means knowing how to spot the wrong one and embracing your needs for what they are. Something which can only be done when you get committed to building happier partnerships for yourself.
Spend some time getting familiar with your own romantic needs before you go looking for a partner. Get clear on what matters and what doesn’t and form a clear picture of the relationship and partner you want to have 10 or 20 years from now. Familiarize yourself with the patterns that keep bringing you back to unhappy shores, and proactively and aggressively get conscious about changing those patterns. Break the cycle of your past heartbreaks and listen to your support networks for the powerful opinions and perspectives they can offer. It can be hard to see the truth when you’re spiraling down with someone who’s a less-than-ideal fit. Keep going and don’t give up or give in just because you get it wrong a time or two. True love is out there, and it’s waiting for us. We just have to open our eyes and embrace our desires for what they are to find it.
