Your Kid on Zoom is Obnoxious

Hate to break it to you…

Times are tough. We’re still not out of the woods from what seems like a thirty-year battle against COVID-19. I’m over it. You’re over it. Regardless of where you fall politically, we can all agree: we are all so very, very over it.

Our kids’ school is 100% virtual until infection rates drop or I stab myself in the eye from boredom, whichever comes first. The more affluent, private schools got waivers. I can’t imagine being a rich housewife, stuck at home, alone, no kids, not working…that’s my ultimate wet dream.

My first-grade daughter’s little ghetto computer setup is in my bedroom so that I can work and still be involved with her online learning. I say “work” very loosely. I can’t focus on my job when Aiden has ducked out of the class and all I hear is the teacher yelling, “Aiden? Aiden honey? Aiden where did you go? Did we lose Aiden? Does anyone know where Aiden went?”

I have nothing but utmost sympathy for parents that don’t have the luxury as I do to work a chill job at home where I can spy on my kids’ classes. There’s a good bunch of you that give your kids headphones with mics and figure they’ll call you if there’s a problem. I assure you, there’s a problem.

Kids in online classes are the most obnoxious hell on earth.

Yesterday, the teacher gave the kids a ten-minute break to get the wiggles out. Two kids unmuted their mics and sang It’s a Small World for the entire fucking ten minutes which felt like a decade. While I could have gone over and turned off the volume, I needed to hear when the teacher returned. They ruined Disneyland for me forever.

During another break, the kids took an interest in a classmate drinking water. That led to all of them yelling, “Chug! Chug! Chug!” which I guess is good because it shows they’re on the right path to college?

Older kids aren’t any better. In my son’s classes, the kids keep unmuting to talk about their pets. No one gives a shit about your cat Madison, shut the fuck up and focus on the Native American lesson.

The kids with the headset/microphone combos are the absolute worst. The. Worst. They unmute themselves on Zoom and then blow into the mic. I would rather hear a fork on a chalkboard while simultaneously eating glass.

Why are kids unmuting at the wrong fucking time? They obviously know how since these little shits unmute themselves constantly. Then when the teacher calls on them, they suddenly get Zoom amnesia. “Lexy honey, can you unmute the mic? I can’t hear you sweetie, can you unmute? Lexi, you have to unmute for me to hear your answer.” Good lord, this teacher has the patience of a monk.

Then there are the technical issues. I tell my daughter once she’s logged on, do not touch the mouse. To mute/unmute, she knows to press Alt+A, no mouse needed. These kids must be clicking their mice like frenzied monkeys, they keep clicking onto another tab or window and then freak out that they can’t see the teacher’s video. These teachers are not equipped to teach children how to fucking put a Zoom window back in focus. It usually ends up with, “Julie sweetie, do you have a mom or dad around? Julie? Do you have a parent or a grownup who can help? Yes, I know honey, I know you can’t see the video, is there a grownup nearby?” I don’t know where any of you are, but it’s definitely not near your technologically-incompetent kids.

It doesn’t stop with the children. The parents are just as bad. I get unmuting to ask a quick logistical question. I’m guilty of that too, unmuting to confirm which book we’re grabbing or which printout we need. Short and quick. I’ll also unmute to give the teacher a heads up if she’s having technical issues, like when her desktop is shared instead of her face. I’m a good person like that. Other parents interrupt for technical problems.

Parent hollers on screen: Mrs. P, the video is all black.

Mrs. P: Oh no, am I not sharing video? Wait…it says I am…I wonder what’s going on…

Parent: We can’t see anything!

Mrs. P: (frantic) I’m just…I’m just umm…trying to figure it out.

Me, ever the savior: We can see you just fine. The problem isn’t on your end Mrs. P.

How is that not the subtle hint to the parent to deal with their own computer shit and let the poor woman teach? Instead, the parent continues complaining until Mrs. P. resorts to a typical IT answer and instructs them to restart their computer. I secretly think she does that to drop the parent from the Zoom call.

People, your child’s teacher is not Bill down in your company’s Info Tech department. Figure your shit out.

That also includes the asshole parents who interrupt a class to get into specifics of an assignment. If you want to ask, “Hey, are the kids allowed to do the assignment on fish as well as mammals?” that’s cool. If you want to hijack the class for ten minutes about how your kid prefers penguins over the assigned task of researching jungle animals, you’re just a dick. Just simply, a dick.

I think my kids may have picked up on my irritation. Now when another kid does something annoying in class, they yell “Get it together Jackson! Sheesh!” That can’t be good.

A brief summer to learn the intricacies of ten different educational websites and tools is not enough for these poor teachers. As soon as life returns to normal (my guesstimate is May 2023), I’m buying each teacher a Costco-sized bottle of vodka. They deserve it.