Your Funeral Deserves a 5-Star Review

Hire me to croak in style

Do you hate going to boring funerals? Do you want YOUR funeral to be interesting and hilarious?

You’ve come to the right place.

Hire me to ensure your funeral is an absolute riot. I’ll work with everyone from the undertaker to the gravedigger, ensuring your special day is a HOOT.

Here is just a sample of my offerings:

Coffin

As a fun gag, I’ll place a “Fragile” sign on your coffin. Who cares if an usher drops you? You’re dead!

Clothing

I’ll make sure you’re buried in an old lady’s frock and a gray wig.

When family members ask the undertaker where he got the outfit, I will instruct him to say “your mom.”

Your kin will be slapping the coffin as they wheeze with laughter. Your corpse might even show a little smirk, thanks to my trick involving Krazy Glue.

Hands

I will position your hands so your thumbs are pointing toward you. A recording I’ve hidden in your coffin will say, “Who’s dead? This guy!” every 3 minutes on a loop.

The crowd will go ape shit.

Photos

I will Photoshop a black hat and wand into all of your pictures at the funeral. Mourners will think you led a double life as a magician. Abra Cadabra? More like Abra Cadaver!

Grave

“Here lies blah blah blah” is BORING.

I will have “I’m with Stupid” and an arrow engraved on your tombstone. A large mirror will be placed next to it.

Your uncle will follow the arrow, see himself in the mirror, and “die” with laughter!

Need more reasons to hire me?

Take a look at what my recently deceased customers have to say! I contacted them all via Ouija board:

“Kristen was an absolute nightmare. She played Achy Breaky Heart on repeat at my funeral. Everyone was visibly upset because they were expecting a solemn affair.” — Christopher Robin

“Zero stars. I hired her for the old lady frock/wig gag. She told me she’d just use one of my ‘ugly ass dresses’ and then she called me an old bat.” — Raine Lore

“I didn’t even hire her. She just showed up at my funeral visibly drunk and called all of my family members “rat bastards”. She also Photoshopped Jeffrey Epstein into my photos and now everyone thinks I’m a piece of shit.” — Uvebruce

Contact me today at 1–800–6 FT UNDER for a quote.

Act now, before the grim reaper gets ya!

I would include some of my other stories here but I think I can safely assume you are all done with me at this point.

Here’s one from another business-savvy hustler, Smillew Rahcuef:

Have a blessed day!