Younger Japanese Women, Older Western Men: How Do the Girls’ Fathers Feel?

I was 13 years older, from a foreign country, and struggled with his language. Would he let me marry his daughter?

“I want you to meet my parents.”

With those seven words, my heart palpitated, my testicles turned to raisins, and my breath got stuck in my throat.

“Meet your parents? Cool.” I said. But I was anything but cool. And this was not cool. The sushi in my tummy was suddenly ready to evacuate. This shit was getting real.

“How old is your dad?” I asked.

“52,” came the answer.

“And your mum?”

“53”

I did the math, first crisis averted — I was 38, my girlfriend 25, which meant I was closer in age to my girl than I was to her dad. Just.

I’d always gotten on well with past girlfriends’ parents but I’d never had such an age gap in a relationship. And to complicate matters further, I was an Australian man in Japan, dating a Japanese girl.

So, how did this Japanese father take to his daughter dating a much older Western man?

The First Meeting

For the two weeks prior to our first introduction, I was beside myself with nerves. At 38, I’d had my share of relationships, but in the two years since Minako and I had started dating, I’d begun contemplating marriage seriously for the very first time.

I didn’t want to stuff things up.

I was also worried about going down to an island in one of the most conservative parts of Japan and meeting parents who didn’t speak a lick of English. Worse, they spoke Tanegashima-ben, a whole different dialect of Japanese that I’d never learned on my CDs.

Being a foreigner with blonde hair didn’t help settle the nerves either.

• Would the language barrier be too much?
• Would my dazzling sense of humour get lost in translation?
• Would they check the health of my hairline under the outside spotlight?
• Would the hair on my arms perturb their smooth-skinned sensitivities?

And to intensify my anxiety further, Minako told me some of her other family members would be there too.

“How many?” I asked.

“About 20,” she said.

Just terrific…

Fast forward to the day, and that very first meeting — an outside night BBQ at Minako’s family home — could hardly have gone better. Amazing people. Uncles, grandmothers, nieces, farmers, fisherman. They all came along.

And we all laughed, got drunk, and fumbled our way through any language issues that arose.

Age Can Be Your Friend

But make no mistake, they were full of questions.

At that time in my life, I had a Bachelors and Masters degree in hand — both from Sydney University — and I was in the middle of a Doctor of Education at Queensland University of Technology.

First box ticked. My education impressed them.

The questions then turned to my job.

I was an Associate Professor at university earning a salary well above the standard for the area and was looking for a promotion or a better job upon completion of my Doctorate. Right answer.

Second box ticked. Good job, good salary.

The third line of inquiry centred around my future living plans. i.e are you going to leave our daughter heartbroken in Japan and return to Australia some day soon?

I assured them I wasn’t.

At that time, I’d been in Japan six years and had no intention to leave. But more than that, I’d been away from Australia for 12 years, so was well-equipped to adapt to life away from my home country.

And I loved Minako!

Third box ticked. A winning trifecta!

In hindsight, I do believe that my age helped immensely in that situation. I wasn’t fresh out of college embarking on my career. Nor was I new at traveling or away from family for the first time.

I was well traveled, well educated, well paid, and well settled into life in Japan. That’s what happens when you’re 38 and you’ve got some life experience under your belt.

And it helped settle Minako’s father’s nerves I’m sure.

Progressing to Marriage

Once Minako’s parents saw that I was serious about her, about us, and about our future, they were very welcoming of me. Her whole family was.

That said, we still had to ask for her father’s permission to move in together before marriage.

In the deep south of Kyushu, especially in the islands, living with your girlfriend before you tie the knot is not typical custom, so my wife insisted we do things the traditional way.

Ask the father.

With meek voice, hushed tones, fidgety hands and forgotten lines, I felt like a naughty little schoolboy when I asked Minako’s father if it was OK for me to move in with his eldest daughter.

He had one question: “Will this accelerate the marriage?”

What could I say to that? “Yessir!”

Fast forward to the days following my accepted marriage proposal, and again I had to take the father out drinking and ask for his daughter’s hand in marriage.

Before I’d even finished my plenty-practiced spiel, he interrupted, said “OK, no problem”, then ordered a round of drinks.

Not to celebrate. Not to wish us luck. Simply because he was thirsty.

I looked at Minako. She looked at me. We both looked at her father.

He looked at me and said, “beer or shouchu?”

And that’s how it’s been ever since: casual and mutually respectful.

The Current Day

We’ve now been married 9 years. We have two daughters, coming up to 5 and 7, I got permanent residency in Japan, and we bought our own home in 2017.

Minako’s parents came up to Miyazaki for the birth of our first daughter in 2016 and sat by my side while my wife went through the pain of delivery in the theatre room.

Then when my wife returned to her hometown for the birth of our second daughter, they were nothing but helpful every step of the way.

I have only ever felt love from them towards their grandchildren and the worries about having mixed-race children and any problems that may cause has simply been a figment of my imagination.

They’ve never said a word nor offered anything but complete support, both emotionally and financially.

I really couldn’t have asked for better in-laws.

Summing Up

So, how do Japanese fathers feel about their daughters marrying older Western men?

I can’t talk for anyone else, but for me, my wife’s father has been wonderful. Her mother too.

The fears I had regarding age-gaps, race, culture-gaps, discrimination, and rejection have been non-existent.

I know they exist for others, but for me, I’ve had no issues whatsoever with my race, ethnicity, or age.

I’m now a father to two beautiful young girls but the day will soon come when they introduce me to someone they want to marry. When that day comes, I’m sure I’ll be like any father.

I’ll want that person to love my daughters unconditionally, to respect them, to let them live freely, and to stand by their side when they need help.

If that person happens to be 13 years older than my daughters, so be it.

Happiness is not a mathematical equation.

If I sense that person will make my daughters happy, then I will accept them.

Just as my wife’s father has accepted me.

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