SATIRE

You Too Can Become a Fire-and-Brimstone Prophet of the End Times

Even if you’re not a people person

Like most of us, you are probably overwhelmed by these unsure days. Do you have a lot to say, but are shy? Do you need an outlet for your opinions? Are those opinions incendiary and judgemental? Want to become the people’s penultimate prognosticator, even if it’s just to piss off your parents who want you out of their basement?

Try Prophet Pal!

Prophet Pal¹ will help you harness those all too normal feelings of insecurity and woe and help usher those sheep even less sure of themselves than you are about yourself — and more scared than Proud Boys are of black-and-white pictures — into the afterlife in style and with money in your pocket.

For 3 small payments of $221.99², you too can stop the humdrum of your boring and unsure life and become an official prophet of the apocalypse.

Like any c̶u̶l̶t̶ religion, you must instill fear in the masses. A scared sheep is a docile sheep. Use Prophet Pal’s Cult-group name generator to help you develop a sure-fire and brimstone-worthy name.

David Koresh knew that no one would follow a man named Vernon. John is already taken and no one will recite the word of Steve. We will develop a name that will incite reverence from day one!

With Prophet Pal’s do-it-yourself scripture tool, you can easily pull the wool over their eyes. Just choose the words and prophecy you want to insert into the minds of your sheep and you will be off and running, leading your sheep off the cliff into the fiery abyss.

Proselytize your ass off and rile your hoard into a frothy, cataclysmic frenzy with Prophet Pal’s ready-made prophecy and scripture tool, accompanied by annotated scripture, complete with ‘firsthand’ testimony, that will lend credence to your holy word.

Call now so you can be a part of the festive mayhem.

Prophet Pal — be a leader — not a follower — into the apocalypse!

Prophet Pal.

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But wait — there’s more!

For a limited time, for an additional $68.99 we will throw in your very own long-flowing, fire-retardant, kevlar-lined ceremonial robe, complete with a commemorative David Koresh wig to really get you in the spirit, and provide the FBI with an easy target.

Call within the next 10 minutes and receive a fifty percent discount at Uncle Mort’s Gun & Dry-cleaning Emporium³. We will also automatically enroll you into the NRA. A well-armed flock is a happy flock.

¹Prophet Pal is brought to you by Jonny Prophet. Johnny Prophet is not affiliated with the Catholic church or any c̶u̶l̶t̶ religion. Johnny Prophet is not a religion. Johnny Prophet is not the same as Johnny Profit. Johnny Prophet is not a small-mouth bass.

²Offers valid in the lower 48 only.

³50% does not include dry-cleaning or VIP laundry service.