SATIRE AND BRAAAAINS
Vegans Crave the Taste of American Flesh!
See — this is how you get cannibalism
It began innocently enough. But we have ignored the red flags and just like every other liberal plot — it has mutated into something that threatens the very fabric of American society — and our lives.
We’ve been gaslighted, patriots!
Disgusted with processed meat and its delicious bloody mess, certain groups of people decided to nix animal products altogether. Originally thought to have been developed by conservatives to starve out all the treehuggers, veganism was found to actually be a sustainable way of life and good for other beings besides humans, an American anomaly if there ever was one.
And just like that, America’s sweethearts nestled into American society, endearing us, lulling us into accepting the slow infusion of their food into our hearts — second only to cross-fitters — and onto our menus.
As they lulled meat-eaters into a false sense of security with plant-flavored burgers, they turned the other cheek when we pointed and laughed like Nelson from the Simpsons. They merely politely informed us of their life choices.
But then they had to go and complicate things.
First, it was the meat-shaped items namely veggie patties and veggie sausage. I think it was because they were jealous of all the euphoria and endorphins meat-eaters were obviously oozing at family gatherings and block parties. Or maybe they were just angry that Uncle Jim kept ‘losing’ their veggie dogs in the charcoal.
They even tried to make us feel safe nudging their way into America’s most sacred institution — McDonald’s. They told us they didn’t want to change the menu, just provide alternatives to partaking in our slaughter-fest. Then McDonald’s gave them the McPlant.
— And that’s just in America.
Then there was the meat-flavored food.
They wanted more of it.
They craved it.
And now they’ve got it.
We’re on the Menu!
Oumph! in Sweden released a limited edition human-flesh-flavored burger.
The chef and Sweden-based Oumph! co-founder Anders “The Duck” Lindén said before the premiere of the faux flesh, “No one’s going to die — no one’s going to jail.” The Swedish Food Company and restaurant even received awards and accolades for its new flesh-flavored burger.
How do they know how it tastes? Well, how do you think patriots taste? Like America. Like patriotism. Just like our way of life — they have become ravenous for it. Nothing tastes better than the meat of a meat-eater, especially an American meat-eater.
Science — that’s how you get cannibalism!
I imagine the revelation of the succulent taste of patriot-infused meat took place in the same scenario as in Dawn of the Dead, except instead of a mall, it all takes place outdoors in their vegan commune-like labs.
There’s no telling when they took the plunge, but I do know they would not release such an award-winning burger without the proper research and science behind it. We’ve been saying it for years.
Now, it’s only a matter of time before the world is taken over by hordes of flesh-eating vegans.
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