You Never Washed the Dishes — I Thought That Was Why We Ended — I Was Wrong
Sometimes we blame others for our relationships ending when the fault is our own — I Iearned that the hard way
It’s a common trope to complain that men don’t help enough around the house, I had a father who was like this with my mother — or so I thought — and so I vowed to never find myself in a similar relationship situation. Yet, the first boyfriend I moved in with never helped around the house.
It infuriated me. I couldn’t believe it had happened. I was constantly shouting at him to wash the dishes, to clean the place up, in his defence he would comply when I demanded it. But he never did it unless it was under my demand, which just infuriated me further. “I shouldn’t have to tell you to do this,” I kept yelling at him.
In the end, after a year of living together, we ended. I told him I felt like I was his mother and that if he wanted to live with a woman, he needed to learn how to respect women. I also believe that I told him that this wasn’t the dark ages and that I refused to live with a man who wanted a housewife. “I’m not a housewife,” I told him.
He tried to defend himself by telling me all the things he did for me. I didn’t listen. That was my mistake and a big regret of mine. He did a lot more for me than I did for him, just as my father did for my mother and me.
The problem was I was blind. I don’t know what it was, whether it was the fact that my mother had been ill most of my youth and so I had had to grow up fast and was angry because of that, I don’t know if it was because I saw myself as an “independent” woman, a “feminist” who was going to rally against the patriarch and bring it down, I don’t know if it was because one of the ways I thought I was going to do this was by making men play their part around the house. I truly don’t know, all I know is that I had become completely blind to reality.
It was like I was reading from the “feminist” playbook 101: if your man isn’t washing the dishes and cleaning up around the house then you are failing women and empowering the patriarchy. It was total madness when I look back. I was so focused on looking at whether people were ticking my clichéd female equality playbook, which was not remotely related to true equality, that I never looked at what the people in my life were doing for me.
If I had done that, I would have seen that I was actually living a rather gilded life and that my father and the first boyfriend I moved in with were the sources of that lifestyle.
Starting with my father, all I ever saw was that he never did any housework and that my mother and me, despite my mother not being well most of the time, were left to do it. What I never saw was the fact that he worked endless overtime to support my mother and me. I also never saw the fact that he sorted all the bills, kept the cars running — including mine once I learned how to drive. He bought me that car as well I should add. He did this, he did that, he literally did everything but the dishes, the cooking, the food shopping, and the vacuuming. He even did all the gardening and we had two big gardens.
All I had to do was help my mother with the housework, the dishes, and the food shopping. That was it. Everything else was done for me. Everything. I didn’t even know other things existed because they were all done for me.
Yet, all I saw was what my father was not doing for my mother, the dishes, the cooking, the food shopping and the household cleaning. I started to resent him for being the, what I saw as, typical patriarchal-style man expecting his wife and daughter to do everything around the house for him.
When I moved in with my boyfriend the same trend continued. All I could see was what he was not doing, and how what he was not doing meant he was not ticking the clichéd boxes that somehow, I thought would mean equality. So, he was not doing the dishes, he was not doing the vacuuming. He was not doing the weekly food shop. Unless of course, I demanded he do each of those.
When I look back it’s just crazy that I put so much into my belief around household chores as if somehow they defined equality. They don’t. Even though I was doing them, I was the one getting more out of the situation and by a good amount. I was the one taking liberties. My boyfriend managed all of the bills, we paid for them equally, but it was him who dealt with them — he found the best deals and set them all up. This included my phone deal, which he put a lot of effort into getting a good deal on. I barely even thanked him for that.
My car, just like my father did everything on it to keep it going, my boyfriend did the same, all I ever did was get into it and drive it. Often, I would get into it and, despite when I got out of it the last time the petrol gauge being pretty much empty, it would be full. He never asked me for the money. I should have offered it now and then or at least properly thanked him, I rarely did. That was not the end of it, if the car got dirty, frequently it would be clean — both inside and out — and I barely would even notice.
All I noticed was me always having to clear up after him. I never noticed that despite all the other cars always being covered in bird poo, mine barely ever had a drop on it, and when it did, it magically disappeared. That was because my boyfriend did just as my father did, the moment he saw the bird poo, he cleaned it off so that it would not damage the paint — bird poo ruins car paint, I never knew that. My boyfriend also, just like my father, kept my tyres pumped up, sorted the MOT and tax out, sorted my insurance out. He literally did everything. All I did was drive the car.
I wish I could say that was all he did. It was not. He did more still. Any time there was any problem with anything in the house, from the heating system to the electrics, magically they would be sorted. I played no hand in any of it. I hardly even noticed if there was a problem, mainly because whenever there was, he sorted it so swiftly it was like there wasn’t one. My father had been the same when I lived at home. Every week, my boyfriend would take me out to dinner which I loved, I never took him out anywhere. He would book weekends away and whisk me off. I never did the same for him. I could go on and on.
Despite all he did for me, all I could ever see was that the dishes were not washed, all I could ever see was when he had not cleaned the house up, or when the fridge was getting empty. I couldn’t see all the things he had done which was why he hadn’t done those things. In my mind it was like all I could see was, I wash the dishes, so he should. I do the vacuuming, so he should. I do the grocery shopping, so he should.
Relationships aren’t meant to be like that, they are about working together. But working together does not mean you both do every task. That is the opposite of working together. That is self-living with another person, it is cohabiting, and it defeats the purpose of a relationship.
For example, in our hunter-gatherer days, one person would source the water, and another would source the food, others would look after the children, others would protect the camp, this worked brilliantly because it allowed people to focus on specific tasks. But, for example, if everyone had to source food and water, look after their own children, protect themselves, no one would ever become an expert at anything, because of this, it would be pointless being around other people. If you’re going to do everything yourself anyway, what is the point of other people?
That’s why now when it comes to relationships I focus on real equality, which comes from balance. Balance is not I wash the dishes, so you wash them. That’s stupid. Idiotic. It’s not even I wash the dishes, you dry them. It’s I manage the dishes because I hate dirty dishes piling up, you manage the cars because you hate dirty cars; it’s I do the vacuuming because I hate a dirty house, you fix things when they go wrong because you hate things being broken. It’s I look after the weekly shopping because I’m a foodie, you manage all the bills because you’re good at doing that and I hate it. It’s I sought dinner most of the time because I like doing it, you take me out to dinner most of the time because you like doing that. It’s I do special things for you that I know you like, it’s you do special things for me that you know I like. Most importantly of all, it’s I actually listened to you, just as hope you will actually listen to me. It is I actually see you, just as I hope you will actually see me.
Final words
A good relationship will always be rooted in two people looking at what the other is doing for them, not what they are not doing. Literally, never focus on what someone is not doing for you, focus on what they are doing, and never make the mistake I made of assuming equality is about ticking boxes — especially clichéd ones.
It’s not. Relationships never end because a person does not do housework or wash the dishes — even when it seems they have, they haven’t. Equality is not people sharing the dishwashing duties. Equality is about seeing everything your partner is doing for you, and everything you are doing for them, and working together to create balance.
All in all, if you want a happy relationship don’t make the mistake that I made and focus only on what people are not doing, focus on what they are doing as well. It’s so easy to not do this. It’s so easy to stop doing this. If you want a happy relationship, you must do this and never stop doing this. So if your eyes are closed, get them open and start seeing what your partner is truly doing for you. Start seeing your partner. It may change your life.
Thanks for reading!