Why Saying “Don’t Come” During Sex to Guys Never Works and Often Kills the Bedroom
Pressure kills bedrooms, the simple phrase “don’t come” brings pressure into the bedroom, understanding the psychology of this has the power to improve your sex life profoundly
Every woman knows the story, you are just getting into a rhythm, it is starting to feel really good. Really really good. But just at this point, you can feel him getting that extra bit hard and you know what that means. In desperation, you say those fatal words “don’t come.” Sometimes through desperate efforts, he manages to last minutes before the inevitable happens, most of the time he lasts seconds.
In my youth, I would get extremely annoyed if I was getting really into sex and I told the guy not to come, and then inevitably near enough right after he did. Firstly, it’s extremely frustrating. Penetrative sex can be amazing. Most of the time it’s just really nice and more about the intimacy and the connection, for example, when I was in a long-term relationship with a woman, we often would kiss and cuddle before bed but rarely go sexual. It was nice to get that intimacy. Penetrative sex before bed with a man — for the most part — is pretty much the equivalent of this.
But not always. Sometimes it is amazing. That time is typically when I am really in the mood, so it is not just about a little quickly before sleep where we share some intimacy together, it is a planned session that I’ve been looking forward to.
I don’t even need to orgasm in these sessions, penetrative sex isn’t really about orgasm for women — despite all the rubbish from movies, porn and popular culture that tries to say it is. It’s a totally different type of sex, if I’m feeling into it and it lasts long enough, when a guy ejaculates inside of me it feels better than a clitoral orgasm. I know this is true for many women — though not all.
This is why it can be so frustrating if, during that time when I am really feeling into it, I miss out on that feeling because the guy, right after I told him not to come, did. So, what gives, guys, you love having penetrative sex and want us to have more. Why the hell so often during the times that we really are getting into it, do you always kill it when we ask you not to come because we are getting really into it?
For years I wondered what the answer to this question was. Then one day I found it.
Real sex is not porn sex
When guys came too soon, I often would rant at them things along the lines of, “You might have got a happy ending, but I did not.” “Sex is not just about you.” “Why do you keep doing this!” They would always try to defend themselves, tell me that they didn’t mean to do it, that I didn’t understand.
They were right. I didn’t. Only when I started truly listening did I come to understand. Paradoxically, it was not from any of the men I have ever had sex with that my understanding came from, it was from a gay man who I became close to. During a discussion I had with him about this topic, he made me realise that my obsessive belief that the men were just being selfish was the problem.
He was right. In my younger years from watching porn, I had seen guys last endlessly and did not understand how difficult it was for men to be able to do this. For example, there is a reason male porn stars get paid more than the majority of female porn stars, being able to ejaculate on command and last for long periods while remaining hard is an extremely rare talent.
I did not know this. When added to me at the time being a devout feminist — not the good kind unfortunately though I didn’t realise it at the time — who believed it my duty to get my fair share in the bedroom from men and that men were selfish in the bedroom, you can see how my misunderstanding of how men worked inevitably completely ruined my and my partners’ sex lives.
Many people’s sex lives get ruined for the same reasons. Either one or both partners get indoctrinated with mass media rubbish about how sex should go, and that rubbish sees them put unnecessary pressure on their partner which kills the bedroom. Saying don’t come and then getting annoyed afterwards if he does is one of the ways women do this to men.
The psychology of why saying don’t come and getting annoyed at guys for coming too soon kills the bedroom
I’ll set the scene, the guy notices that you are really getting into it, this turns him on big style because guys love it when we are really into it. Then you confirm just how much you are really getting into it by telling him, “Don’t come.” This turns him on even more, it makes him really want to last and keep going.
But now he will be feeling pressured to last and keep going. By uttering those simple words pressure has now been brought into the equation. He will start feeling anxiety about letting you down, about you getting annoyed, about him not performing to your expectations, to society’s expectations. A minute ago, he was excited and really into it and getting even more turned on because you were really getting into it. Now he is simply anxious and under pressure. That will not be your intention, it was never mine, but it is what most often happens.
I know this to be true because if ever a partner starts to make clear he wants me to come, I suddenly find it exceptionally difficult to do so — more so than even normal. It’s like the expression of his desire suddenly puts pressure on me, and it makes me anxious because “I don’t want to let him down by not coming.” This will not be the guy’s intent, it was never the intent of any of my male or female sexual partners, the opposite, but no matter what this always happens to me.
This isn’t the only way guys can have this effect on me, if I get the feeling that a guy is trying to hold off from coming so that I can come first, I find it increasingly impossible to even get close to orgasm. It’s like his efforts, as noble as they may be, put pressure on me and make me anxious. Anxiety and pressure in me about the orgasm make it impossible for me to orgasm.
I know this feeling is shared by many women, how the pressure we put on ourselves to orgasm for whatever reason, makes it even harder to orgasm. This is why things like the “orgasm gap” and the obsessive pushing of the ridiculous notion that somehow having an orgasm is a way to fight against male oppression have done such damage to women in the bedroom. They put us under pressure to do something that many women find difficult. That’s not male oppression. That’s just reality.
Before I get into a rant, I best return to the topic at hand. When I feel pressure about an orgasm, I lose the ability to orgasm. That’s why when I have sex, I don’t even think about orgasm anymore. It’s irrelevant to me and to my sexual pleasure. If it happens, awesome. If not as long as I’ve had good sex it’s all good.
It took me a long time and a lot of effort to get to this belief, to escape the indoctrination that society inflicts upon us about the orgasm. Men share this indoctrination but from the opposite side of the coin. Saying don’t come and getting annoyed afterwards if he does, is part of this indoctrination.
Men don’t feel pressure to orgasm — they feel pressure to not orgasm
Just as we women are indoctrinated with ridiculous things about the female orgasm like the need to have as many of them as men otherwise we are somehow failing women or letting men oppress us or take liberties with us — which is total BS — men are indoctrinated with the notion that they need to be able to last forever, and that they need to be able to orgasm on command — also total BS.
The moment we put any pressure on a man about his orgasm we bring all this BS societal indoctrination and the pressures that come with it into the bedroom. This is where what my gay friend told me really comes into play when it comes to us saying the words, “don’t come.”
If we are saying those words, we know that he is close. That means we are saying to a man who is very close to orgasm, don’t do the one thing that society says is bad if it happens because I also think it’s bad. You also have to remember that if a guy is close to the edge, and suddenly feels anxiety, his mind is going to think that an orgasm is a great way to calm that anxiety.
This is why in that moment, rather than stopping him from coming, instead you bring all that societal pressure into the bedroom, guaranteeing that he is going to panic to such an extent that the end is inevitable. In a way think of it like this, what happens if we tell a person not to think bad thoughts, they’re going to think bad thoughts. It’s just a natural response. Get your breasts out and bounce them in his face while telling him not to get an erection, he is going to get a raging one. Tell a guy not to come, he is going to.
To make matters worse, if you get annoyed with him afterwards, you will make him feel even more pressured about being able to last. That makes it even harder for him to last in future, it also makes certain that the next time you say, “don’t come”, he is definitely going to not be able to stop himself no matter how hard he tries or wants to.
Even worse, if you start down this path, it is very difficult to take that pressure that you have now brought into the bedroom, out of it. He may even start to be afraid of having sex with you for fear of how you will react if he ejaculates before you want him to.
I can attest to all of this because, in my early years of dating, I kept unwittingly going down this rabbit hole. It never ends well.
What to do instead i.e. how to get a guy to last when you want him to
If you want a guy to last, you need to take all the pressure off him about lasting. There is a very simple way to do this, you do it together and the benefit is it also takes the pressure off you about your orgasm as well. That means it will also stop you from feeling pressure about your own orgasm.
Okay. Drumroll. Here is what you do. You stop making sex be about the orgasm. It really is that simple.
Stopping yourself from making sex about the orgasm will liberate your sex life
When sex ceases being about the orgasm it suddenly becomes about what it should be about — two people sharing sexual intimacy together. When this happens, suddenly problems that originally had been seen as problems cease being problems.
For example, let’s say you’re having penetrative sex and really getting into it with him, but you can sense he is getting close and don’t want him to come. If he is on top, then immediately without saying anything change positions and get yourself on top. While on top slow things right down. Completely stop if you have to and start kissing him while he is still inside of you, let him suckle on your breasts even. Just keep your hips still.
If it’s clear he’s really on the edge, then pull him out of you and instead take control of his cock with your hands. Just grip the bottom of the shaft tightly (not too tightly) — grab it from the bottom of his balls. Doing this tends to bring men back from the brink of ejaculation. Once calm has been restored, slide it back inside and get back to it.
It can be annoying to have a pause, but it’s better to have a pause than it is to have it end. That means if you sense he is going to come, but don’t want him to, take control of the situation. Not with words. With actions. Don’t ask him to give you what you want i.e. asking him not to come. Take ownership of what you want and stop him coming. You will be surprised how empowering and great it feels when you take control like this. You will also be surprised how much better you both get at having sex.
If you cannot stop him from ejaculating — sometimes there is no stopping it — it still doesn’t matter because remember, it is not about orgasm. That means just because he has ejaculated does not mean that the sex has to be over.
For example, this is where sex toys come into their own. If you’re really into the penetration, and he’s come too soon, get out your dildo, give it to him and watch how happy it will make him to continue pleasuring you. If you want to use the dildo yourself, then use it yourself. I often do this and spoon him while I do it. I use vibrators this way as well.
True sexual empowerment for women is not getting guys to last longer so we can reach orgasm, it’s not putting pressure on them to last longer, getting annoyed at them for not lasting long enough; it is not getting just as many orgasms as them, that’s never going to happen, biology makes it impossible; true sexual empowerment for women is stopping sex from being about orgasms. When that happens if a man ejaculates but we are still feeling it, why would we stop?
We wouldn’t, we would simply change the way we are having sex so we can continue. We wouldn’t continue until we reached orgasm — we might — we would continue until we both reached a place where we felt satisfied. Wherever that may be.
Final words
It is still far too common to sell the notion that a male orgasm equals the end of sex, this assumption simply kills bedrooms not just because it puts immense pressure on men about their orgasm, but because it implies sex is about an orgasm. Specifically, the male orgasm. It’s not. It’s not about any orgasm.
That is the key reason why saying don’t come is so self-defeating. It implies that it is. Letting go of that belief will revolutionise any person’s sex life. It certainly did mine.
Thanks for reading! You may also enjoy one of the following articles:
