Yoga Poses That Can Improve Your Sex Life

Has your copy of the Kama Sutra been giving you one hell of a Charlie-horse? Try these Yoga maneuvers to improve your sex life.

The Bridge Pose:

1. Start out by laying on your back. Try not to fall asleep. Snoozing during sex is never appreciated.
2. Now, bend both of your knees, positioning your feet approximately hip-width apart, with your knees in line with your ankles. Warning, there will be farting. Women’s farts typically contain significantly contain a greater concentration of hydrogen sulfide. It is a little-known fact that the scientific term for this rather odorous phenomenon is Chick-Reek.

(People who get turned on by the funk of farts are called eproctophiliacs. If your sex partner happens to be into eproctophilia, count this as a bonus. Remember: couples who toot together, root together.)

3. Next, place your arms flat on the floor with your palms against the ground and spread your fingers as if you were about to brag about how big your hands are.

4. Lift your pelvic region up off of the ground. Your torso should follow. If your torso does NOT follow, you have somehow lost a seriously significant part of your anatomy. Lower yourself down and try and find out where you dropped it. Meanwhile, try and keep your shoulders and the back of your head against the ground.

5. Hold the pose for five seconds. You can count Mississippi if you have difficulty using whole numbers.

6. Lower yourself back down to the floor. You get bonus points if you do NOT grunt loudly as you are lowering yourself. Resist the urge to make a Bruce Lee kind of sound effect. You might think you look cool, doing it, but trust me on this.

The Bridge Pose will strengthen your pelvic floor. If you have to ask me what you use your pelvis for during sex, you really ought to ask your partner if you are doing something drastically wrong.

The Happy Baby Pose

1. Lie on your back.
2. Exhale right from the bottom of your belly, while bending your knees up towards your stomach. If you are doing this with a partner you might want to seriously consider gargling with a good, industrial strength mouthwash before you get to the exhaling. You might also want to consider sponging out your bottom end as well. Farting will ensue. Have you ever wondered why most yoga studios burn a serious amount of incense?
3. Inhale and reach up to grab the outside of your feet, and then widen your knees. like you were trying to give your gynecologist a cheap thrill. For you fellows, just try to imagine you are trying to show off your balls to your partner. If reaching for your feet gives you difficulty, you might want to try using a belt or a towel looped over to your feet to make things easier. A rope can work too, but you’re running the risk of finding your partner decides to indulge their long-concealed urge to experiment in bondage.
4. Flex your feet, pushing your heels upward as you pull down with your hands to stretch.

This is sometimes known as the “stripper stretch” It is useful for limbering up and stretching your butt cheeks and lower back.

The Cat Pose

1. Start this pose out on all fours, making sure that your wrists are placed directly underneath your shoulders. Keep your knees in line with your hips. Repeat to yourself silently — I am a table, I am a table, I am a table.
2. Hum the theme music from Rocky quietly to yourself. Inhale as you look up towards the sky. Let your stomach curve towards the floor. Then lift your eyes and your chin up as you stretch trying to mentally envision the washboard abs that are concealed beneath the cottage cheese curds of your tummy. Repeat to yourself silently — I am an upside-down letter “U”. I am an upside-down letter “U”.
3. Next, exhale, while tucking your chin into your chest like you were trying to hide that double-chin you inherited from your sainted Aunt Gertrude. Exhale, tucking your chin into your chest, and draw your navel (that’s your belly button, not some random sailor that you’ve tucked up against your mid-riff, which not be all that bad of an idea, come to think of it) toward your spine. Round your spine toward the ceiling.
4. Move slowly between the two of those positions for about one minute. Unless you’re between two sailors, in which case you might want to opt for a more vigorous approach. The cat pose is an easy starting position and is a dandy way to loosen up your spine and basic flexibility.

If in doubt, consult with your nearest yoga expert, meaning your cat.

Full disclosure — I am a writer, not a yogi. Don’t try anything of these maneuvers without consulting with a yoga instructor or a physical trainer.

Ginger Bangs is complicated. She’s as changeable as a prairie fire. She writes humor, erotica, horror, recipes, slice-of-life, and EVEN poetry! Please follow her today. Once you’ve read one of her stories you’ll DEFINITELY want to stay on her tale!