POLITICAL SATIRE
Yes, Jesus Loves Me and the Second Amendment
The evangelical Bible tells me so
Fellow evangelical pastors,
Welcome to the Bullets and Bible Symposium for Evangelical Gun Lovers. Due to the recent spate of unavoidable mass shootings, firearm crusaders have faced a level of Christian persecution not seen since the days of Nero.
With a record number of people abandoning our faith and questioning the sacred divinity of assault rifles, we prayed for guidance, and God answered us with the ten commandments for preaching the Gospel of the Second Amendment.
10. Keep Heaven Fully Loaded
Mass shootings––while tragic––keep heaven stocked full of fresh souls who get to be closer to the Lord. Always remind your congregants that mass shootings are the lifeblood of paradise.
9. Turn the Other Cheek
In Matthew 5:39, when Jesus commands us to “turn the other cheek,” he means a cheek of stones used for slingshot ammo. That’s the ancient equivalent of a full metal jacket of bullets. So Jesus is saying when you run out of ammo, turn to the other clip in your ammo belt and reload that sucker!
8. Protect the Flock
As I tell my parishioners each Sunday, nothing is more Christian than a good guy with a gun killing a bad guy with a gun. Like Saint Kyle Rittenhouse, we must protect our flock against evildoers and those who favor background checks to own firearms. “Thou shalt not kill” has a get-out-of-jail-free card. Just make sure you shoot one of those Antifa apostates.
7. God-Given Raats
The raat to bear arms is part of God’s covenant with man. When the Holy Ghost possessed Thomas Jefferson and wrote the Declaration of Independence, he declared, “all white men are endowed by their creator with certain unalienable Raats.” That means everyone but aliens (foreigners) should own a weapon. And Black folks are entitled to three-fifths of a gun.
6. Don’t Worry, Be Happy
Our nation’s Founders talked about “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.” And nothing makes devout worshipers happier than being strapped with a hand cannon, except maybe having a rocket launcher or a tank. So urge your followers to arm for the Apocalypse, then do your pastoral duty to make it come about.
5. Old Testament Retribution
Exodus 22:2 tells us that if someone kills a thief or intruder, “there shall be no guilt for his bloodshed.” It sounds like a green light to “cap that ass” in my book. Be pure of heart when you blow an intruder’s brains out, and the Lord will smile upon thee.
4. Thoughts and Prayers
When you need more firepower than thoughts and prayers, the AR-15 can be your savior. Lefties who call AR-15s “unholy” should be reminded that there’s no such thing as an “assault rifle,” and nothing can make a bad guy holier than an ArmaLite Model 15.
3. Sell Your Cloak For a Glock
“If you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one,” Jesus told his disciples in Luke 22:36–38. Peter even had one on layaway at the Wal-Mart in Bethlehem. Guns are the modern-day version of swords. So tell your congregants to sell their cloaks and buy a Glock 19.
2. You Want Me On That Wall
In the book of Nehemiah, private citizens were encouraged to arm themselves in self-defense while rebuilding the wall of Jerusalem. Praise be, “building the wall" was a biblical obligation — even before Mexicans — as is the responsibility to carry concealed weapons when you go to your local Applebee’s.
1. Prince of Piece
So, my fellow pastors, remind your flock that the Prince of Peace was also the Prince of Piece. Though it may seem as though Christ has abandoned us each time there’s another mass shooting or a gay rights law passes, he is sending us a message reminding us to protect ourselves from the wickedness of modern progression and tolerance.
We must be effective in spreading the gospel of guns. Because Jesus loves you, but only if you’re packing heat and truly ready to join the Army of God.
For more political satire by Ryan Zaharako, check out: