POLITIC HUMOR
The Founding Fathers Clearly Wanted Me to Have a Tank
A Second Amendment American Dream
Well, here they come again, trying to take our guns! As if I, Joe Responsible Gunowner, am personally culpable for all seven mass shootings that happened last week. Pa-lease!
It’s not even a gun control issue if you ask me. It’s a lack-of-access-to-tanks sitiation. You heard me right, I said tanks.
You see, the Founding Fathers––in their infinite wisdom––blessed us with the right to bear arms and the duty to raise our own bad-ass militia. And I’m as sure as God made little green apples that their original intention was for me to own a fully armed, 70-ton military tank.
It’s right there in the Constitution signed by Herbie Hancock himself: “A well-regulated Militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
But how can a red-blooded American male—or female, hell, it’s 2021—become a well-armed, kick-ass, one-man MAGA-Militia, defending freedom with a puny pea-shooting assault rifle? Trick question, there’s no such thing as an “assault rifle” unless you’re into fancy definitions from elitist shills like those Merriam-Webster hotshots.
It’s the real America that’s under assault. With video games causing mass shootings, Commies canceling our favorite racist comedians, and Socialist “President” Joe Biden fixin’ to send the National Guard to confiscate our guns, the only way to protect our freedoms and our families is by me owning a tank.
Don’t give me that worn-out liberal garbage about needing a tank to “compensate for having a small penis.” My minuscule manhood has nothing to do with my American dream of owning a tank.
It goes beyond constitutional raats. Per our glorious framers, it’s my civic duty to amass enough firepower that I can single-handedly check a federal force of socialist super-soldiers.
Short of nuclear weapons––which, honestly, I can’t afford on my budget––a tank is the only way I can level the playing field. If you think those Antifas aren’t preparing for war right now, I’ve got news for you buddy, THEY ARE! Last I checked, they had taken over Portland and burned it to the ground. We barely captured a measly Capitol building. Why? No tanks, that’s why.
Owning a tank is as American as apple pie or wearing only a thong while shopping at Walmart. Up until now, bleeding-heart liberals have insisted tanks must be “demilitarized” and “disabled,” which is sort of like cutting the nuts off a hound dog before bringing him home from the pound. Only even more senseless and degrading.
Those socialist snowflakes are always harping about “safe spaces.” Well, I can’t think of a safer space than sealed inside the hull of an M1A1 Abrams. And while we’re talking safe spaces, it’s a scientifical fact that every mass shooting in American history has taken place at tank-free locations. It don’t take no criminologer to figure these shooters are cherry-picking soft targets that have zero tank protection.
Gun advocates have rightly argued that the only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. I’d go a hop, skip, and a jump over a creek further and say, “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a tank.”
“Now, hold on there Billy-Joe-Jim-Bob!” you say, knowing full well that ain’t my Christian name. “Tanks kill people. We can’t have that in a civilized society.” DemoRAT arguments like that aren’t worth a duck’s fart. Cars kill people too jeenius and you don’t hear people talking about banning cars. Know how many people died in the U.S. last year in tank-related accidents? Not a damn one. Talk about safe.
You know what else? Say you’re driving on the highway in your congested city-slicker metropolis. Traffic gets all gummed up and little Karen, Dallas, and Gunner are screaming right in your earhole.
Then bam, a Leopard 1 A5 appears in your rearview mirror crushing any sissy Priuses in its way. Now picture you driving that sumbitch. Frickin’ awesome, right?
You got Karen navigating, Dallas, as gunner, and Gunner (he’s not to bright) slamming home a 105 mm M456A2 HEAT-T round. You’re locked and cocked, then Dallas, being easily triggered by the sight of electric cars, sends a round down range.
A flash of light and heat expands before you and the HOV lane ahead is now a no-occupancy ditch with eco-friendly sheeplemobiles tumbling through the air like mangled Matchbox cars. Suddenly your path to work is wide open and freedom is restored. Thank God almighty you are free at last.
Owning a tank is my constitutional raat, my patriotic duty, and my path to personal freedom. And you, as a fellow patriot, can help turn this dream into reality. If you’d like to make freedom reign upon liberals by supporting my Second Amendment American Dream, go to www.gofundmytank.com and donate to a truly worthy cause!