GUN VIOLENCE
A Thought and a Prayer for More Thoughts and Prayers
Armed Father, who art in heaven, hollow-points be thy aim
Dear God, as we mourn another unavoidable tragedy, grant us the strength to think and pray for more thoughts and prayers to end mass shootings.
Our merciful Savior, let your loyal flock of God-fearing, gun-loving, true believers open our hearts to your grace so that we might see the light. Help us find the wisdom to pray away the terrible evil of demonic mental illness — that has nothing to do with access to sidearms.
Prince of peace, lead us not into the temptation of violent video games but deliberal us from anti-gun people and bring us peace on Earth if it pleases you, oh princely one. Even a weekend devoid of the hellfire of hot devilish lead would serve as a sign of your divinity and approval of firearms.
Lord on high of great acclaim, as we kneel before you, locked and loaded at the rifle range, we responsible gun owners praise your name and glorify your power with our own firepower. That we may let freedom ring and send these rounds upon a righteous path. “And those bullets shall make their dwelling in the flesh of unrighteous men,” sayeth the Lord.
Yahweh, the unpronounceable, let your devoted Second Amendment crusaders summon the courage to smite Beto O’Rourke and his army of gun-control Commies with unholy designs to disarm the devout.
As Charlton Heston parted the Red Sea, so too let those who come to take our guns by prying them from our cold, dead hands be drowned in a sea of MAGA red.
Holy Queen Hail Mary, mother of football mercy, who protects our sacred Sunday sports with unsullied virgin purity, leap into our hearts like the heartburn from Sonic chilidogs. Blessed art thou among women who know their place, be they a handmaiden Catholic, adorned with the silk robe of the Supreme Court, or saving patriots from the scourge of Jewish space lasers.
Mother, may I pray for the lost nonbelievers who refuse to pack heat? That they might find the courage to pick up thy rifle and stop thy bad guys with a gun.
Sweet swaddled Baby Jesus in a donkey manger, though you cannot comprehend our prayers because your tiny underdeveloped baby brain is still growing strong in the light of the Lord, your own light as it were, give us this day, in our daily thoughts and prayers, the clarity to think deeper and pray harder for even more thoughts and prayers to save the souls of the unarmed sodomites.
Oh omniscient mythical sky-wizard, allow us to persevere as the repetition of thoughts and prayers become routine and cliché, setting the hearts of men to stone. Gift us the ability to let go of the things that do not matter, like petty grievances or the latest massacre. May we cast it out of our minds with the passing of a news cycle. As the great book says, “Let not now be the time which our congressionals attempt to pass gun legislation, for it shall be a time only for grieving, and praying, and thoughting.”
My King of Kings, my Lord of Lords, my Jesus of Jesus Christ Superstar, show us the wonders of your love by ensuring every biologically born man, woman, and child, and some service dogs, are well-armed.
Forgive my brethren for failing to offer more thoughts and prayers in the aftermath of your fiery wrath. They know not what they do. Let them find solace in words of Marco Rubio, patron saint of Biblical tweets.
Great and mighty gray-bearded Jerry Garcia Father, yea, though I walk through the valley in the shadow of the latest of deaths, I shall fear no active shooter: for mine rifle and thy full-capacity clip do give me comfort oh Grateful One. Let us give Tanks to the multitude who put America First and hold fast in their sacred Anglo-Saxon traditions, such as the communion of the consecrated mayonnaise sandwich.
From ashes to ashes and election to election, we call upon all that is holy rather than holey, so that our wise and benevolent father whose image was made in the depths of Mordor may Stop the Steal and prevent the taking of our anointed weapons whilst strengthening our boundless, unbreakable faith in the infinite power of thoughts and prayers. In Jebus’ name, we pray.
Amen. 🙏
We will now pass around the offering bowl to prevent gun violence.