LET ME READ YOUR STORY

Writing For Oneself

Feedback on: “The Gift I Never Gave”

These articles provide feedback on stories submitted by brave writers looking to learn and grow. Comments will be provided on anything from title and pictures, to grammar, language, and cohesion. All feedback is meant to help both the original author and anyone else reading this, and general writing tips will be highlighted.

The story we’re looking at today is deeply personal to the author. And in more ways than one. You get the sense that Hilary Tan is a very open writer who, as many skilled writers have put it, “bleeds on the page”. This, she definitely does in her story, The Gift I Never Gave.

For this type of story, it is hard to treat only the writing style, grammar, and structure, and not go into the details of the content itself. So I will warn you beforehand: I did not manage to stick to providing feedback on the writing itself. I simply had to address some of the points in this story. And it might not be exactly the feedback you expected or had hoped for… Read on to see why.

Twists and Turns

These feedback stories often start by describing the first impression imparted on me, the reader. This one comes right out of the box and sets the expectations:

I turn to writing whenever I need to process thoughts or emotions, especially when they’re ugly. It allows me to move on with my day and do more productive things. — Hilary Tan

In other words:

1. This is written for MY benefit and not for yours
2. This is not me being productive. This is not my product.

It’s hard for a reader to commit to a story after that start. However, I believe that this way of writing, or purpose for writing, to begin with, resonates with a lot of writers of a similar “open and personal” style. It also intrigues the reader to figure out what happened, like driving slowly past the scene of a car crash.

The second section starts somewhat abruptly with “One with whom…”, which seems to reference an earlier statement on who the story is about. A simple restructuring could do the trick. From:

“You should know that the idea for this article resulted from an incident with an online blogging friend. Up until this point, the idea of writing this particular article never even crossed my mind.

One with whom…”

to:

“You should know that up until this point, the idea of writing this particular article never even crossed my mind. The idea for this article resulted from an incident with an online blogging friend. One with whom…”

See how the story flows more naturally, with each sentence connected to the previous. Also, the break to a new section or paragraph between two very interconnected sentences disrupts the flow. In contrast, the middle of the paragraph suddenly changes focus by moving on to talking about Hilary’s alleged propensity for creating frenemies. This is where a break to a new paragraph should have been placed.

Tip 1: Be conscious about your use of breaks and paragraphs. Paragraphs are groups of sentences that share a common theme or message. The first 1–2 sentences of a new paragraph are often used to segue from the focus or message of the previous paragraph to that of the new one.

Normally, I want to stay out of the actual content of the stories, but I have to address this sentence:

I think it might be best if I don’t make any new friends for a while since they might end up becoming my next frenemy. — Hilary Tan

This is an extremely unhealthy thought. Unless you are in a certain period of your life (that will end soon), during which making new friends is particularly doomed to fail, you should never actively refrain from making new friends! A more mature and healthy reaction would be to look at how your history might inform your approach going forward. Maybe you should gauge people a little more before telling all of your positions on important matters like politics or religion. Maybe slow down a little. Maybe consider if there are rough edges of your personality that might scrape the other person. We all have those. It takes two to get along and also two to disagree.

Each of us is an acquired taste. New friends should only see the vanilla version of us. Some will never see any other version. Only the oldest and closest friendship can stomach the spicy version of us! But even they need to first acquire a taste for us, over time. — Eric Monk

That being said, I have huge respect for the honesty of this writing. Writing exactly what you think and feel is difficult and scary. And yet, this is what Hilary does here. I find it very courageous.

Writing exactly what one thinks is also a sure way to get a jumbled mess of a story with very little cohesion and many disjointed tangents. This is immediately seen in what comes next: The subheader “Or Maybe It’s Me”. This is another strange shift. The last half of the previous section was already putting all blame on herself, yet the subtitle seems to indicate that something new is being considered by writing “Or maybe…”. Furthermore, the rest of the section seems to quickly move on to everything from random tangents to putting the blame on the other person. So the subtitle is not very appropriate either.

The inclusion of a link to another, related story by the author is a nice detail, including the little emoji. I am strongly considering using this much more in my own writing. Nicely done!

Tip 2: Make sure to find opportunities to link to other stories you have written and/or reputable sources. Linking to other stories can increase views, and linking to reputable sources can improve your SEO score (or so I have been told).

Deep in Thought

What is with the women looking away? Whether it should represent the author reminiscing or the subject of the story turning away from the author is unknown. But the pictures are at once very confusing and also very fitting to the story, and add something to the atmosphere of the story. They mystify me. And I think that is a good thing.

The formatting of a quote right below a picture is a nice detail. — Eric Monk

It makes it seem like the picture is highly correlated with the quote. I’m not sure that is the idea here, but it’s something I will consider in my own writing going forward.

Tip 3: Writing a quote directly below a picture can make it seem like the person in the picture is the one uttering the quote — this can be used as a writing technique.

Everything below the first picture is somewhat messy, in that it seems like an unfiltered, unedited train of thought. And I can’t say I wasn’t warned. Hilary did start the story by stating that she writes stories like this to get her thought down on virtual paper. So this might simply be true to form and as intended.

While I think most readers can relate to the thought process that Hilary goes through and shares in this story, I am unsure what the point is. Who is this written for? Why should anyone read this? This would have benefitted greatly if the author had spent just a few sentences every once in a while, putting this in perspective for the reader. Like an old person, mumbling aloud, deep in thought, suddenly realizing someone is still listening and then going back to addressing the listener. Remember to address the listener! Or reader… You get the point.

Tip 4: It is fine, even great, to go down the rabbit hole sometimes. It opens a door for the reader to understand your thoughts. However, if you want others to take anything with them from your writings (and honestly, why else are you writing at a place for others to see), then make sure to hold their hand a little. Help them relate your thoughts or situation to their own reality.

Oh, the Hypocrisy

Going back to the content itself for a little while: This entire section, until the next header, does not sit well with me. This may be a little harsh, and it is meant as honest feedback(!), but the whole thing gives me an impression of an insulted little girl. Not a mature, self-aware, woman.

On the one hand, the linked story is about how it is important to set boundaries and protect yourself from people (even friends) who seem to drain your energy. It seems this is what the other person did. But the response is “What boundaries, exactly? I honestly feel insulted and attacked”.

The blocking is described as the ultimate “screw you”. While an explanation could have been a little more graceful, it can also lead to more disagreement and arguments. Sometimes, it can be better to just walk away. Here is a direct quote from the story on boundaries that Hilary also wrote and linked to: “By walking away, I am not only setting myself free from pain but I am also setting the other person free”.

For just a second, it seems there will be a little thought to where the other person is coming from: “it is possible that she was experiencing some kind of emotional turmoil at this time”. However, this is quickly turned back to what, for me as a reader, seems like an insulted teenager: “blocking someone as a form of punishment is inexcusable. As someone who spends a lot of time online, I deserve to be treated with respect”. How do we know that this was done as a punishment? Why would anyone who spends a lot of time online deserve to be treated with more respect than anybody else? There are so many questions… Mostly because it all feels so one-sided.

The entire section has multiple references to the arguments between the author and the other person, but only seen from the author's perspective. The reader gains very little insight into what actually happened, and this could indicate a lack of perspective-taking from the author herself. If any introspection was done, very little is described in the story, except for the single header “Or maybe it’s me”. Maybe the impression I get of an insulted girl rather than a mature woman is due to the very fact that the form of this story is an unfiltered transcription of the raw thought process. This might simply be true to form. But as a reader, I expect more.

And this is where we tie this back to feedback on writing stories: It is important to include nuance in what you write. The act of writing allows the writer to be more considerate than when debating verbally. Introspection, perspective-taking, and considering alternatives, are all possibilities if one takes the time to do so.

Tip 5: Make full use of the written form, by allowing yourself the time to go beyond what is possible when debating or lecturing on the spot. Make sure to include nuance in your treatment, whatever the topic. The reader will reward you if you do and punish you if you don't.

And on the topic of editing, a link is provided later in the story, for another blog by the author, but the link is broken.

Tip 6: Always check all links yourself before posting a story. See my writing checklist here (this link should work!):

The Gift She Never Gave — And The Conclusion That Never Came

The last section focuses on a gift that was apparently bought for this person, but never given as a consequence of their falling out. The writing here is a little disjointed from the rest and it is unclear exactly why this added section is needed. It seems out of place. Especially considering how this is the namesake of the story, the reader expects some important point or overarching conclusion to be made here.

Summary

Title

I like the title. It is intriguing and sounds somewhat poetic. It fits the style of the story. I only wish there was a conclusion at the end of the story that tied back to the title and maybe spelled out some learnings for the reader.

Pictures

Strangely mystifying pictures of women looking away seem perfectly in line with the story. While they are not clearly connected to the content of the story, they do seem to add to the feeling of the story.

Formatting

There is a strange mismatch of short and long segments, a non-describing header, and unhelpful paragraph breaks. The flow of the story could be improved by some careful editing of the formatting — especially breaks.

Grammar

The grammar is perfect. No issues here!

Links and Citations

The reference to another related story is a great detail! I really love that you did this to add more substance for interested readers. Make sure to check all your links before posting, as there was a single broken link in the story.

Language

You write in a very speech-like language, which matches the feel of the story as being your unedited train of thought. There are very few places where I’m unsure if I would have used the same word (e.g. how would you handle your debates with a friend with “professionalism”?), but these are very minor issues.

Cohesion and Cadence

This is the topic of most of my feedback on this piece of writing. The danger of writing down your thoughts is that the train of thought is often extraordinarily unorganized and incohesive if you care to inspect it. So extra care must be given to the editing of the writings. Many issues could have been avoided if you had spent a little more time in restructuring your points, without losing your message.

Closing Remarks

I admire the raw honesty and fully exposed feelings in your writing. This makes it almost a force of nature. With a little more editing, and added nuances your stories might gain the polish of an almost poetic glimpse into your thoughts and feelings. For the type of reader you address, I think your content is highly relatable and very visceral. I think you can really make an impact on your readers, so keep working on that final polish and maturation of the story itself.

For more writing tips, read:

I hope you have enjoyed reading this feedback, and if you want to read more like this, please subscribe to the publication. Consider supporting the brave author who submitted this story for feedback by following: Hilary Tan.

If you have a story that you would like to have reviewed, follow the link below and leave a comment with a link to your story. I look forward to hearing from you!

If you want to support me, and the other (actually talented) writers on Medium, please consider signing up to become a Medium member. If you use my referral link I get a small commission at no extra cost to you.