The worst relationship advice you can give (or receive)

There’s some relationship advice that isn’t only toxic…it’s dangerous. Avoid these “tips” at all costs.

by: E.B. Johnson

There is a ton of relationship advice out there, and some of it is good and some of it is bad. Partnerships are hard to navigate, and it’s only natural that we should go looking for answers to some of its more difficult challenges from time to time. Taking on bad relationship advice, however, can result in even bigger consequences for ourselves and our partnerships. When you accept bad relationship advice as gospel, it can lead you to some dark places and it can land us with some truly disastrous results.

It’s all about learning how to balance the good with the bad. Any relationship. advice that asks us to minimize ourselves, or sacrifice ourselves in the name of another person, is probably something that deserves a second questioning. Likewise, there is a lot of romantic advice out there that plays along the lines of gender roles — which can be both misleading and toxic in nature. By learning how to love ourselves and value our own needs, we can build better partnerships; but not before then. Ditch the bad relationship advice and start getting real about what matters to you.

Not all relationship advice is created equal.

Search for any relationship topic on the internet, and you’ll immediately be introduced to thousands of articles from hundreds of “experts” around the globe. They’ll tell you to do everything from incorporating crystals in the bedroom, to looking backward at antiquated gender-ideals. They can be enlightening, but also frightening, and it’s up to us to know the difference and sort through the dross.

Before you go looking for the answer in someone else’s work (including the hundreds of articles here on Lady Vivra) have a general idea of both what you want, and what you think you need from a relationship, or related advice. Know the value of looking for your own answers and don’t trust the first tidbit you see.

Ultimately, there are a few core tenants that can enhance the quality of our lives, and our understanding of romantic relationships. When we learn how to love ourselves, and maintain our sense of independence and identity — we can find ourselves building happier, healthier and more equitable partnerships that help our lives bloom in fulfillment and joy. That requires us to get rid of the bad advice, however, and filter through our authentic sense of need. We alone define our happiness, and we alone can define the relationships we desire.

What happens when we take bad relationship advice to heart.

Bad relationship advice isn’t as harmless as you might think. While the occasional outdated article might give us a chuckle, there are some other far more sinister and subtle beliefs that regularly make their way into the mainstream consciousness. In order to beat them, we have to identify them and embrace them for the poison that they are.

Increased unhappiness

The longer we cling to relationship advice that puts us squarely in the middle of unfulfilling and unsatisfying partnerships, the greater we will find our unhappiness to be. Clinging to relationships that do not suit us is the same as clinging to any other distraction in the life. You’re taking up valuable space in your passions and leaving no room for the right people to come in. If you’re unhappy in relationship after relationship, it might be time to reassess what beliefs you’re perpetuating that no longer suit.

Victim potential raised

When you cling to beliefs that force you to toe the line along outdated gender roles or other relationship stereotypes that hold you back, it can increase the potential that you find yourself becoming a victim. This sort of advice encourages unequal and off-balance relationships that suffer from a disruption of power. When you believe that your role is to make yourself small, or constantly compromise at the cost of your own happiness, you can find yourself in bed with abusers and those who would take advantage in the worst possible ways.

Bent perspectives

Bad relationship advice is poisonous, because it warps the way we see love and our partnerships. When you live by the stories that these toxic tips tell you to believe, it changes the way you see yourself and the surrounding people. You might come to see relationships as a means to getting material wealth. Or you might see the other person as the only way to get the family that you want. All of these beliefs are toxic, and in no way conducive to building supportive relationships that last.

Unhappy families

Perhaps the biggest risk of following bad relationship advice is the creation of unhappy families. In certain circles, it’s not uncommon to be encouraged to get married or have children in order to heal a broken partnership. Unfortunately, more often than not, this results in wounded and emotionally broken children with broken views on love, connection, self and partnership. Marriage and children are never the answer to a partnership that is already beyond repair.

Reinforcing toxic habits

The longer you cling to bad relationship advice like sacrifice or giving up power, the more likely you are to perpetuate and reinforce toxic patterns that keep you stuck and unhappy. Toxic advice breeds toxic habits, and those toxic habits hold us back and prevent us from accessing the opportunities we need to find fulfillment. When we stick around even though we know things are over, or when we pretend that the jealous fighting is normal — we reinforce those habits and those beliefs in our future selves, and any other future relationships we might build. We have to put our feet down if we want the spirals to stop.

The worst relationship advice you can give (or receive).

No matter what kind of relationship you’re in, no matter how serious your partnership might be — these are the absolutely worst pieces of advice that you could apply. They will keep you stuck. They will keep you angry. And they will keep you from attaining your goals and your dreams. If you want to build a future with someone you can trust, then these are the tidbits of “advice” you need to avoid at all costs.

Stick around — no matter what

While we should absolutely stay by our partner’s sides through hard or challenging times, there is absolutely no excuse for tolerating abuse, violence or personal danger of any kind. If your partner’s behavior or decisions put you in risk, or if they threaten you, hurt you, or otherwise manipulate and control you — you have every right to walk away, and stay away. That does not mean that you don’t love them, and it does not mean that they don’t love you. It simply means that you prioritize your happiness and safety appropriately and take care of yourself the way you were meant to.

Giving up power

Depending on where you look for your relationship guidance, you might find yourself being instructed to give up power, or sacrifice your personal identity in some way to your partner. Often, these poisonous pieces of advice suggest that we become submissive to the other person and bury ourselves — be that because of finances, gender, intelligence, etc. The problem, however, is that giving up power is to give up on your deserved needs and desires. You have a right to hold an opinion on your relationship, and you have a right to your emotions and your dreams too.

Jealousy as a tool

There are some out there who tout jealousy as a great tool for inspiring passionate partnerships again. Usually, this advice comes in the form of a suggestion made to a couple who have noticed their spark fading. It might encourage one partner to seek attention from an outside source, in order to reinvigorate the interest of their partner (who has presumably become distracted or disinterested by life). This behavior, of course, is extremely toxic and only works to undermine the sense of trust that you and your partner should share. It’s a juvenile trick for juvenile people.

No work necessary

There’s this idea that long-lasting relationships happen as if ordained by the cosmos. We tend to think that relationships that are really meant to be, are those which happen naturally and without any work. Some of us believe that good relationships are those with no conflict, and no hardship. But nothing could be further from the truth. Relationships that last (happily) are those in which both parties come to the table willing and ready to the do the work it takes to keep going for 40, 50, 60 years. Partnerships are hardworking, and they take a commitment from everyone involved.

Building a family as a fix

One of the absolutely worst pieces of relationship advice you can get is to pursue marriage or family in light of a partnership that’s failing. Marrying someone will not change who they are, and it will not change their core beliefs and their core behaviors. Likewise, children cannot change your failing partnership, they can only add more stress. Beyond that, putting the expectations of your happiness on a child is self-centered and the peak of laziness. If you and your partner aren’t happy together now, you won’t be happy with a marriage certificate, a child and a mortgage to deal with.

Conflict as passion

There are many out there who confuse conflict for passion and abusive tendencies for care. While conflict can help our partnerships to grow, constant and damaging blow ups are toxic and poisonous not only to our relationships but to our core sense of self. Abuse, likewise, is never excusable, and in no way indicates love. Instead, what it indicates is a person who is willing to use terror in order to get their own way, or meet their own needs.

Never go to bed angry

This insinuates the idea that you need to fix everything at the end of the day, without breaks and without taking the time you probably need to think things through. Really consider it. What do you generally feel like at the end of the day? Are you tired? Stressed out from paying bills, dealing with the children, and struggling through another upstream battle with work? When we’re tired or dealing with a lot, we don’t necessarily have the emotional fortitude to work through our relationship problems. Sometimes, going to be angry is just what we need to recharge and get our thoughts straight.

Just try a little harder

We’ve all been confronted with that feeling of failure and the idea that if you just try a little harder, you’ll change the other person and make them see the light. This idea is toxic and pervasive — as well as being untrue. We cannot change or save other people. We can’t even truly inspire them to change. That inspiration is intrinsic, and something that they have to discover and want for themselves. Just “loving someone a little more” isn’t going to make them wake up and stop abusing substances, or make them be faithful. Those are symptoms of bigger problems, which can only be resolved from the inside out.

Love can overcome anything

No. It can’t. Sometimes, our love is not enough to overcome the hardships or difficulties that surround our relationships. If someone has wanted a family their entire life, they aren’t going to end up happy with someone who despises the idea of a house in the suburbs and 2.5 kids. If someone wants to live forever in Alabama, and the other person wants to take a job in Rome…there’s a good chance some major cracks are going to appear along the way. While it can be heart-wrenching to end things with someone you love, it’s sometimes the best decision to make for everyone involved.

Gender roles, gender roles, gender roles

This one is expansive, and can become a major issue for men, women and everyone in-between. Outside of the idea of power structure, there are a number of other toxic gender-related pieces of relationship advice we’re often shunted. Some of them include the idea that we are no longer allowed to be friends with people of the opposite sex, to shifting the emotional responsibility from partner to the other. Whatever the advice is, if it advises you to do something along the lines of gender-only — it’s worth digging a little deeper into, and finding out more.

Put them first with no exceptions

There are few other pieces of relationship advice more toxic than this one, yet it’s perpetuated time and time again. Putting someone compulsively before yourself isn’t romantic, it isn’t passionate, and it most certainly isn’t love. Healthy partnerships and those able to withstand the test of time are those in which the needs of both parties are prioritizedtogether; free of the limitations of stereotypes and gender roles. Being a good partner isn’t sacrificing yourself on the altar of someone else. It’s working together, as equals, to build a future you can be proud of and fulfilled in.

The best relationship tips that equal big happiness.

Drop the bad relationship advice and get down to a few core truths if you want to build better relationships. Slow down, focus on the journey, and focus on who you really are on the inside. When you learn to truly love yourself, you can learn to truly love others. But that’s a process which only you can undertake.

1. Relax…slow down

The minute we find ourselves in a serious or committed relationship, many of us can find ourselves in a frenzied and panicked rush to get to what we deem the next “finish line”. This mad-dash often looks a bit like pushing to move in, followed by the rushing for a family, or some other significant state of forced permanence. These are big decisions, though, and ones which require time, massive planning and forethought. Building happy partnerships isn’t about rushing to the finish line. It’s about learning more about one another (and ourselves) while we build a future as a team.

Stop pushing yourself and your partner into a half-realized horizon. Spend time getting to know one another and spend time settling into the pleasures and joys of a romantic relationship. There is so much to discover within building a life with another person, but we often muddy the waters before we have a chance to fully explore what that means.

Put the rush in the background. Stop listening to your parents, your friends, or even your body — and start listening to one another. Slow down and let your relationship take its natural course. There may be some who know that they are meant to be together from the moment that they meet; others need to time to get to know one another and open up their true personalities. Take that time and let your partnership bloom naturally and in peace. Often, when we let the journey unfurl before us (rather than forcing it) we find an even more beautiful path than we imagined.

2. Take responsibility for your joy

Just as we are the only ones we are responsible for the change that is being enacted in our lives, so too are we responsible for our own happiness, fulfillment and joy in this experience. No one else can make us happy, though they can contribute to the feeling of contentment or peace we might feel. We alone decide how we want to feel, and we alone are responsible for removing the heavy emotional traumas that plague us. We have to take responsibility for our own joy and happiness if we want to build equitable partnerships that last.

Don’t make someone else responsible for your happiness. Don’t expect someone to come into your life and heal a lifetime of trauma, heartache, or regret. You are responsible for your own emotions and your own healing. No one else. Just as you are unable to change your partner, they are unable to change you — and they are unable to take from you the baggage that is yours and yours alone to carry (or cast away).

Take responsibility for your own joy and your own fulfillment in this life. Rather than seeing your partner as a healing wizard, start looking at them as a climbing partner that’s there to balance you out and help you overcome the tough stuff. Only when we come to our relationships with the hope of working together, can we build something real and worthwhile.When you start to open up and step up to the plate of your own happiness, you’ll notice incredible transformations. Don’t put your burdens on someone else’s shoulders. Resolve them yourself and find joy together.

3. Lean into the 90% principle

There’s an interesting principle called the “90% principle” which can dramatically enhance the quality of our relationships. This is the idea that you spend most of your time trying to consider your partner’s needs and feelings, but that you also create enough space for your own needs and desires. As humans, we weren’t meant to sacrifice ourselves on the altar of someone else’s emotions. Find the middle ground through something akin to the 90% principle.

Think about your partner 90% of the time — but still leave a little wiggle room for your own needs and occasional selfish outbursts. Try to put yourself in their shoes each time you make a big decision, or are confronted with a big idea, that might impact them too.

Be compromising and be generous with your empathy and your own emotions. See things from their point of view. Still understand, however, that it’s okay to look out for yourself and the things that you need in your own life. If we can’t come to our partners with our own joy and our own fulfillment, it will be hard to cultivate any with them. Be supportive and loving, but look out for yourself too. Be okay giving things up, but don’t push the idea of compromise too far.

4. Maintain your independence

Independence is crucial when it comes to building a life with another person. So many relationship advice columns advise us to “become one” with our partner, or otherwise meld our lives completely in a number of toxic ways. In order to truly be happy in a relationship, however, we have to first be happy in ourselves; and that requires that we know who we are and maintain that sense of independence and individuality.

Start doing things for you. Be yourself and live in your authentic truth. Don’t put boundaries on your partner, but do place boundaries on yourself and make sure that they are respected at all times. Be direct and clear about both what you want and what you need and allow those boundaries to fortify the lines of your independence.

Communicate your needs and desires honestly and openly. Stop holding back out of fear that what you need might infringe on what someone else wants. Stop hiding parts of yourself out of fear that the other person will run. Live in your truth and fight for your own fulfillment. There is no purpose in sacrificing yourself for others, if you don’t also get the chance to grow, learn and pursue your passions along the way. Fight for your boundaries and let them foster in you a greater sense of independence.

5. Love yourself as much as you love them

There are few powers greater in this life than learning how to love yourself. So many of us have been taught that — in order to truly know love — we have to learn to love people and things outside of ourselves (whether that be romantic partners, children, or an idea of material love and success). Nothing could be further from the truth, however, because the reality is that you can’t recognize real love until you learn to cultivate it in and toward yourself.

If you truly want to be in long-lasting and stable relationships, you have to start loving yourself. Dig into the center of who you are and identify your strengths, and those things which make you beautiful and powerful. Then, embrace your insecurities and shortcomings as the fuel that pushes you to be better.

We have to love ourselves in order to be healthy, well-balanced partners for the future. When we love ourselves, we can come to our spouses as complete and whole people who are capable of tackling adversity and doing the work it takes to build happiness and fulfillment. Loving yourself gives you a light, which glows from the inside out and inspires others to do the same. It’s embracing yourself as a whole, complete and worthy person — while looking to tomorrow with hope and optimism. Only when we love ourselves can we truly know how to love others.

Putting it all together…

There is some terrible relationship advice floating around out there, and it ranges from the idea that creating a family will fix everything, to the idea that you should suffer abuse or mistreatment for some higher (bogus) idea of love. The truth is, however, that learning to love someone else takes a lot more than sacrificing yourself on an altar of unhappiness forever. If we want to build a partnership, we can be proud of, we have to ditch the bad advice and find better ways to build on our ideas of love and romance.

Relax. Slow down. Don’t let society or even your ticking biological clock set the pace for your life and your love. We often feel a pressure to go faster and hit certain “deadlines” with our partners, but that can be toxic and it can drive us further away from one another. Start going with the flow and start taking responsibility for your own happiness and joy in this life. Don’t look to someone else to fix you or fix the things that are going wrong. We alone are responsible for the quality of our lives. Lean into the 90% principle, but don’t lose sight of yourself and your individuality. We have to maintain our own sense of self if we want to partners worthy of a great and transformative love. Be who you are proudly and learn how to love that person with all your heart. We come to know true love when we extend that love from the inside out. Fall in love with yourself and that love lead you to the places you were meant to be.